to get in touch with this ex friend

[SimplySusan]

Ex friend and I were really good friends and then we both went through quite traumatic life events at the same time and instead of being supportive of each other, we took the stress out on each other and fell out badly. I hold no bad feelings and try to remember that we were once good friends but last time I saw her she made it clear that she disliked me and I should keep out of her way.

I hadn't seen her for about a year and then for various reasons I've been in the same place as her 3 times in the last couple of weeks. Each time I've not spoken to her and actually left a party early so that we avoided any odd interactions.

WIBU to send her a message suggesting we meet for coffee and try and clear the air so that next time we are in the same place (we share mutual friends so it's bound to happen), things are less odd?

Yeah, I probably would do the same op.

Yes. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry we both went through a hard time and weren't able to be there for eachother. I have seen you a couple of times recently didn't know what to say. I very much wish we could be friends again. Would you like to meet me for a coffee sometime?"

You could try but I wouldn't hold your breath. Sounds like she just associates you with bad times.

Tred lightly OP, she may not see the past or view the friendship, even previously to the stressful time, in the same way.
She may well have moved on and it could cause her distress.

What outcome do are you hoping for?

slowyourroll I'm not sure what outcome I expect.The 3 times I've seen her there have been lots of other people there and she hasn't come to talk to me and vice versa. But in the future I might run into her at a smaller gathering and I guess I'd just like to find out if she still feels the same way about me without having to do it in front of other people. I'd be lying if i said i didn't miss her as a friend but I have no expectation that we will be friend again.

I'd be lying if i said i didn't miss her as a friend but I have no expectation that we will be friend again
Ah, that's sad in a way, but I'm glad you're not setting yourself up for a disappointment.
It's a toughie though, I get it. It's all based on presumptions I guess - you don't know for certain that she feels hostile towards you, she may think you feel that way about her and that's why you left that party early. It'd be wrong to drag mutual friends in to it - but have they ever given you any indication that she'd be open to an approach?

I guess I'd just like to find out if she still feels the same way about me without having to do it in front of other people.

You may be opening yourself up to rejection and hurt by getting her to open up. Why not say you want to draw a line and see if you can move forward together without 'raking over old coals'.

Sometimes it's better to start afresh rather than agonise over the past.

You could make an overture of friendship so that she knows the door's open (for now) if she's interested in a better relationship with you. It might work if she feels similarly, but you did say that last time she saw you it was clear she diskliked you. I think you would have to be prepared either to be blanked or to hear something hurtful (as you were once good friends you may have a sense how she'd handle something like this). The idea of meeting for coffee, clearing the air and then being fine with each other on the next social occasion might be a bit optimistic at the moment, but you could consider a brief, warm message. Then it's up to her. Do you have any mutual friends who might be helpful / supportive in this?

redcar we have mutual friends but I've tried to not involve them in our falling out and I'd rather not start now, particularly as I'm not sure how things might play out.