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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nobody wants me and DD do they?

28 replies

PeppaPigObsession · 05/08/2017 21:58

Well that's how it feels.

Husband left 5 weeks ago without a backwards glance. Left his job and is living rent free with a friend.

PILs only contact me if they want DD, they never tell me if they can't have her until I'm on my way to take her round, they never contact me between, they never even like my photos on Facebook.

A group of local mums I thought I was friends with had a big meetup for one of the childrens birthdays today, neither DD nor I were invited.

And when I moaned at my DM she told me I needed to grow up and deal with it because this is my life now.

No-one wants us around, and I feel so awful. DDs so lovely I know I'm bias and although has her issues isn't badly behaved, her Nursery tell me she's great with other children and will happily let them play with her. She shares packs of crisps or sweets with her cousins or little friends.

I just don't get it

OP posts:

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 05/08/2017 22:07

Aww you sound so sad! It's their loss.

It will be ok, it really will!

nomad5 · 05/08/2017 22:10

I'm sorry your DH left and your family and friends have been less than supportive! Sounds like you need some new friends - any other friends or playgroups for children a similar age? Your daughter sounds lovely. What about cousins that you mention?

You and your daughter are very special to many people around you, I'm sure. Reach out to others and tell them you're feeling lonely. xxx

Rossigigi · 05/08/2017 22:15

You sound really lonely. Have you said anything that may have upset one of the mums or do you talk a lot etc which they may find annoying?

DancingLedge · 05/08/2017 22:17

What a rotten patch for you.
You've been left by DH, and maybe that rejection is making you feel not wanted, even where it's not true.
Your Dd sounds lovely. It must be very hard to be left by DH, but I'm sure there are others who do care about you. Be kind to yourself, life will get better.
We're here, wishing you well, any time you need to let off steam.

AdaColeman · 05/08/2017 22:25

Aww you sound so sad.
Shame on your Mum for not supporting you when you need it, five weeks is very early days after a break up, she could have shown you more sympathy.

But gather yourself together for your little girl. one step at a time. Slowly things will get better, though it may be hard at first.

Make sure of practical things like maintenance from your Ex. Take care.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/08/2017 22:30

You will have to accept now that even though it was your DH that left his parents will remain his family and many PILs will not consider their child's ex to be their family anymore. They will want DD but not you.

Perhaps the other friends did not invite your Dd because you are very down at the moment and they didn't want to put a dampner on the event (harsh but perhaps true).

It is awful when you find yourself in this situation but it will get better, you will get your mojo back, maybe one day you will find a lovely new partner but in the meantime try to pick yourself up and throw yourself into loving your DD and finding new interests to help you to move on. Do you work? If not, perhaps even find a job and make new friends there and give yourself something to be involved in. I have been there and out the other side.

Armadillostoes · 05/08/2017 22:31

Am sorry things feel so rough at the moment, it must all still be very raw. I am sure that lots of people do and will want both of you. It may just take time for life to feel normal again. It must suck right now, but you will get through this.

starsorwater · 05/08/2017 22:41

Your DD sounds gorgeous.
Two is a team!
There are people who want you both, you just haven't met them yet.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 05/08/2017 22:43

You won't always feel like this, I promise. Better things will come to you, just keep on keeping on for the sake of your beautiful girl.

Petalflowers · 05/08/2017 22:44

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Regarding the birthday party, possibly they didn't invite you because they were giving you space after what has happened. They didn't want to intrude. Five weeks is not very long, and I guess everything is still raw.

Things will improve. Time is a great healer. Keep yourself busy, go for walks, spend time with your dc and look after yourself.

HoldOnHoldOn · 05/08/2017 22:51

When my exH left us it was an eye opener which 'friends' stuck around and which weren't interested. But the friends that did were amazing and it made our friendship stronger than ever. You will get through this and those that do stick by you are the only ones worth having around.

BitofaPoorEffort · 05/08/2017 23:05

I'm really sorry. 5 weeks is still very, very soon. It must have been so hard for your husband to leave like that. It must be strange and confusing for your DD too, how is she coping with it? Not great support from your mum either...do you think she is trying to help in a 'stiff upper lip' kind of way?

Gingerbread is a great organisation for single parents. Local Children's Centres also have loads of groups for parents. Other people will know and understand how you feel. Don't be shy to reach out. If you start to feel worse, talk to your GP. None of us are alone, we live in neighbourhoods and communities, but we sometimes have to step out of our comfort zones a little to find the friendship of others. Do ithey because you deserve to be happy and so does your daughter!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2017 23:06

I think a PP above is correct about your PiL. They probably don't really consider you part of their family any more. It's a shame, but it's not uncommon. Or do you think they're secretly ashamed of their son and are embarrassed because they don't know what to say? They could be torn between loyalty to him and feeling you were done wrong.

As far as the mummy group, are they all married? For some reason it seems that newly-widowed or -divorced women get 'distanced' from social groups of mainly married women. My mum noticed it when she was widowed and my cousin noticed it when her ex left her. Both said they felt that the groups thought widowhood/divorce was contagious or something.

I know it's hard but try to soldier on a bit. You may find the women in the group drift back or you'll find new friends who value you and DD.

BitofaPoorEffort · 05/08/2017 23:06

Do it (damn you phone)

honeyroar · 05/08/2017 23:07

At horrible times like this you find out who your real friends are, and often it's a surprise, it's not the ones you'd think. Try and focus on the two of you initially, go out and make some good memories together, even if it's only a nice walk together or something cheap.

Next time your PILs change the arrangement at the last minute tell them that if they persist in messing you and your DD around like that you won't be making any more arrangements with them, as you've both had enough bad treatment for one year, and mean it. If they grumble tell them you really want them to have a relationship with her, but you won't accept her getting let down, you'd rather they left her alone completely than mess her about. Be firm. And get on with setting out a proper set arrangement with your ex so she has regular set visits with him. You don't have to run around after these people and play things their way anymore..

Your mum is right, but pretty insensitive to say it! You need time and it's natural to feel sad and hurt still.

Georgieporgypuddinandpie · 05/08/2017 23:10

Oh bless you it sounds like a crap time and it's not surprising you're feeling low. Try to remember though that there's a world full of friends that your dd haven't met yet. This is a rough patch, that's all. It's not "your life now" at all!!

HeddaGarbled · 05/08/2017 23:22

It's your bastard of a husband's job to take your daughter round to his family, not yours. If they aren't demonstrating any compassion and support for you, don't put yourself out for them.

Next time they contact you, tell them they need to arrange it with their crappy son.

Now he's behaved so badly, you don't need to do anything they say ever again. You certainly don't need to deliver your child to them.

wobblywonderwoman · 05/08/2017 23:24

Five weeks !!!! Honestly. Your mother was being very cruel. I would hide pil from seeing all of Facebook - edit the settings. They don't need to see everything / you won't be upset that they haven't said something nice.

Just take your time. It I'd really rough. Plan something nice for you and your dd

Earlyriser84 · 05/08/2017 23:45

Yes there will people who want you both and of course you both want each other.

You will meet new people and life won't always be like this

If it's any consolation, PILs never can be bothered to walk the five minutes round the corner to see our DC and DP and I are still together. My own parents show little interest either to be honest!

It will be hard but you'll find those who will be worth your time and for the rest, sod them.

Beebee7 · 05/08/2017 23:51

WE WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please chat to us and moan and rant and have a giggle on here.

We are all here to listen, and many people understand!

I am so sorry for how shit you feel OP. But it will get better.

What a nasty and cuntish act for your DH to just fuck off and leave! How come men find this so easy to do? So many men do this, and then wonder why, later in life, their kids want fuckall to do with them!

You will find some pals soon OP, but right now, the universe wants it to just be you and your lovely little girl.

Do you have family? Parents? Siblings? You mentioned in laws but not your own family.

Italiangreyhound · 06/08/2017 01:04

This sounds so unfair. Your husband is a fool, he has swapped a wife and child for life as a scrounger (probably on someone's sofa).

If he laying maintenance for his daughter?

Please make new, better friends.

If your in-laws are unreliable you will need to decide (long run) if their 'When they feel like it' help is worth having.

Your mum's comment may be true but it is harsh and unfeeling.

Maybe, she wanted to encourage you to feel stronger. In my opinion caring and compassion go a long way to making people feel stronger.

Make time for caring people. Search for clubs and activities, things like Gingerbread for single parents, or church groups if you are that way inclined.

Good luck.

Wallywobbles · 06/08/2017 07:00

Your ex Pils need to sort access with your ex. Time to grow a bit of a shell. Takes a while to get used to the new situation but you've got a lovely DD and it'll be ok. But the singledom being contagious is 100% true. My friends who saw my through were 2 or 3 couples who were MY friends pre my being married.

Changeofluckneeded · 06/08/2017 07:53

OP 5 weeks is so recent! Give yourself time to adjust to what has happened. It will take a while to transition in to your new circumstances and allow yourself that time, there's no rush. Of course you feel sad, of course you feel lonely, of course you feel rejected at the moment! But you won't always feel like this. Have you heard of the seven stages of grief? Google it, you will find everything you're feeling is normal.

Take small steps everyday. Just managing to look after yourself and your DD atm is an achievement! You will find as time passes you stop looking backwards and suddenly realise you're making plans for the future and you're feeling happy and positive again.

Sadly, I also found friends weren't as supportive as I expected them to be when I split with my DH and many disappeared altogether. I even had one friend tell me she didn't want me around her husband anymore as I was now single! You may find your mum friends just feel awkward and don't know what to say to you. This also happens when someone dies, people don't know what to say so they avoid seeing the person altogether.

The same goes for in-laws. DH and I were together for 14 years and I had a good relationship with all his family and yet after we split none of them ever contacted me. I also expected them to ask how I was, but they never did. If your DH is still seeing his DD then he should be making sure his parents see her rather than arranging contact directly with you.

Your mum sounds like she's gone for the tough love option, which might be a good idea after a year but not after 5 weeks!

A DH who leaves his wife without a glance, quits his job and freeloads with a friend, sounds like someone whose having some kind of mid life crisis and trying to recapture his responsibility free youth. Men who do this often go out with their mates getting drunk like they were 18 again, shag about or at least try to, before realising the grass isn't greener and trying to crawl back. By then you will probably feel very differently about him and won't want him back.

You will get through this x

Smeaton · 06/08/2017 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2017 08:30

It sounds as if you have been focusing your attention and energy onto the wrong people. These people have all shown you their true colours. The positive in this is that now you're rid of all of those, who don't deserve your care and respect, you have space to find people, who do. So take some time to yourself to heal and let yourself get upset while that's going on. Spend some quality time with your lovely dd and regroup. I know things sounds so negative and down. But really this could be the start of a great new chapter in your life.

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