To think that this isn't my problem - so why do I feel like I'm the one being punished?

[contrary13]

My daughter (21) went out with friends a few nights ago, got drunk (which she shouldn't do, due to her medications), came home, rang her boyfriend of a year and had a screaming row with him. Something to do with her instinct telling her that he's cheating on her, from what I could gather. Subsequently, she stormed off into the night, and it took a lot of 'phone calls to convince her to come home (I couldn't leave due to my 12 year old), but she did. I told her how disgusted I was/am with her behaviour, she went to bed... and that should have been the end of it.

Except, the boyfriend called the police. Said he "was concerned" that she was undoubtedly heading in his direction.

The next day, the police called me, rather than my daughter, and demanded to know what was going on. I told them what little I know, before having to convince my (very hungover/ashamed) daughter to call them back. At which point, they insist that they need to see her. She started being very rude indeed to them down the 'phone line. Her main argument being that it was an argument over the 'phone, and why do they need to talk to her (I have my own theories, but... I don't know. I do know that the law on DV has changed - although she won't grasp this fact).

My daughter is 21 years old. Legally, she is an adult. Even though she is still residing in my home, I am not - in any way, shape or form - responsible for anything that she says/thinks/does... so why do I feel as though I'm the one being held accountable for her (disgusting) behaviour?

She has a history of severe mental health issues, the boyfriend and she are a toxic combination, and she's been violent towards me in the past. I've posted about this before. My parents both claim that I'm being selfish, because I keep pointing out that she's an adult and it's about time she realised that her behaviour/attitude towards others needs to change.

AIBU for thinking that, as much as I love her, as much as I don't want her to be with the boyfriend (who is just as bad as she is, quite frankly), as disgusting as I find her behaviour and attitude... she's an adult and needs to understand that she is the only one who can change the way she behaves/reacts? AIBU for thinking that if my enabling parents think there's nothing wrong with her behaviour, they should try living with her for 6 months? AIBU for thinking that I have a 12 year old, and I'm not being selfish in putting him first in this situation?

abi - nope there were no threats made, whatsoever. Had I heard any being made... I would have called the police when she left the house, because as much as I dislike the boyfriend, I would also have been concerned for him.

As I've said above, the boyfriend - from what I was told last night by my daughter - instigated the row entirely, by refusing to leave her alone whilst she was out with the last two friends she had (apparently they've both said they don't want to see her again because of the constant calls from the boyfriend during their meal), and sulking because he wasn't invited along. He also has been cheating on her.

A few months ago, my daughter told me the saddest thing. I am the only person who has ever told her that they love her. And she's been dating the boyfriend for 16 months now.

So yes, whilst I agree, if threats of violence, retribution, who knows what had been made, the boyfriend might have needed protection (although she doesn't have a key to his flat and it's apparently a complicated process of getting to very steep stairs which, in the state she was in, even if she'd been able to get in through the front door, she wouldn't have been able to cope with)... the fact remains that he's lied to her. He's told her that he only rang the police because he was concerned about her safety... but the police officer who rang me, definitely said that they'd had a call about the boyfriend being concerned for his own safety.

The police officer had no cause/reason/interest in lying to me. And I have no cause/reason/interest in lying to my daughter. She knows I don't like the boyfriend, she's known that for almost a year now. She continued to see him. Her choice. A bad one, granted, but her choice nonetheless. I can't lock her in her bedroom - and even if I could... I wouldn't.

I shall simply continue to do as I have been doing. Telling her how loved she actually is, by us, and listening to her as/when she needs to talk. Because that's all that I can do.

I am, however, not responsible for her choices/actions/decisions.

Just as - as an adult - I am wholly responsible for my own.

My little brother was a terrible handful, drugss, violent, the lot. Eventually my father chucked him out. My grandparents were the same, you can't do that, is awful, how can you chuck him out etc. They took him in, it lasted no more than a couple of weeks where they too chucked him out. They were told but had refused to accept it until they witnessed it themselves.

Sometimes I think people simply can't see the reality until they experience it themselves.

abigcupoffuckyou would you say the same if OP's daughter's boyfriend had been the unstable one making threats?

abigcupoffuckyou would you say the same if OP's daughter's boyfriend had been the unstable one making threats?

AGAIN, nobody made any threats! Could you stop making things up to suit your own narrative?

If it was the other way around in the context of what actually happened, not the version you invented then yes, I would say the exact same.

You're a liar.

I'm not, but what the fuck are you blithering about?
You haven't even understood the thread, so please don't tell other people what they think. You don't even know what you think!