Mil always mentioning my race

[rainontheflowers]

My mil and I get on well and are close, but there is one thing that sometimes bothers me.

I'm mixed race, and this often seems to be the first thing that she tells people about me and likes talking about it. She's not racist, but almost seems amazed that her son didn't marry a white woman and it can make me feel uncomfortable. When I was pregnant she kept saying that she would love our baby to have dark skin, and if she's telling a story about someone who isn't white she'll always mention it (for eg. "and the lady in front me in the queue, she was black, let me go ahead as I only had two items"). Dh and I also have some black friends who she's met, and she seems to love telling people about this.

I have never mentioned anything as I wouldn't want to upset her. I've told dh before it makes me feel uncomfortable, but he said it's just one of his mum's quirks and she means nothing by it. Aibu?

I think if she's always been lovely to you then she's just one of that generation who is particularly proud to not be racist, and needs other people to know that.

I can understand why constant comments about race are irking you though, maybe just drop a comment or two about not having to mention race? I personally wouldn't make a big deal out of it if you get on well, in law relationships can be so fragile but maybe ask DH to mention it off hand if it is something that relly bugs you.

I think she's probably over stretching on showing she doesn't discriminate but I can see how it would make you feel uncomfortable. My DP isn't the same race as me (I'm white British and he's Born British but with Vietnamese parents) and my Irish family mention it all the time if they talk about him to me. Not in a bad way, but just mention it and it makes me feel uncomfortable too. I 100% get you

She's just trying too hard. My mum does this, it's incredibly embarrassing but she means well. She was gutted when none of us turned out to be gay.

I wonder if she's had a lot of negative comments from friends and is going overboard to show everyone how not racist she is compared to other people she knows?

Thank you both. That's it, she doesn't mind I'm not white and has always been very kind to me and treated me like a daughter, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and seems unnecessary.

Perhaps that's it. She has told me before that she was shocked when she moved to where she lives now (from a very multi cultural area, moved in the 80s to a very white area where there were protests over a black teacher), so I wonder if she's trying to over-compensate.

I think she's just trying to prove to you that she's not racist, that's she just being a tad clumsy. If she kind in lots of ways I really wouldn't worry

I agree she is trying too hard to show you that she loves and accepts you, her comments are out of order in that it's very very rude to keep mentioning it but it probably comes from a good place.

It's not unreasonable of you at all to be bothered by it. What do you think would happen if you mention it to her?

What about if you started mention ridiculous similar things, "oooh I was sat next a white woman on the bus this morning". Would she get the hint or would it go over her head?

I'm imagining her as a 'Pam' type character from Gavin and Stacey!

I agree, she sounds like a product of her generation. She thinks she is doing the right thing by going overboard in her 'acceptance' as she sees it.

Next time she needlessly drops in a comment about race, I would calmly say that she really doesn't have to mention it, it's irrelevant etc. Perhaps let her know that you have noticed she does it a lot and you're not sure why she feels the need to continually mention it?

My mum will mention someone's race like in your example if she's telling an anecdote - "oh there was man in front, a black man..." etc and I'm always a bit as it's not relevant to the anecdote, but I think she does it as an interesting detail and to give the listener a fuller image of events ifyswim!

I do think some people can be so desperate to be seen as tolerant as they fear for whatever reason people may assume them not to be, that they sometimes go a wee bit too far and insist upon drawing attention to how tolerant they are.

While not wanting to upset anyone, it can sometimes be a generational thing. I'd just ask if it bothers you! Just gently say she doesn't need to mention it all the time.

She was gutted when none of us turned out to be gay. Got to you your mother, really made me smile.

I agree with the others that it's a generational thing & she's trying too hard. I totally understand why it would bother you though.

When my lovely nan met my OH for the first time she gave him a run down of all the black people she had ever known.
It was pretty funny but I can understand why your MIL's 'quirk' makes you feel uncomfortable.

It sounds as if she is adjusting and vocalising her pride that she is so liberal that she doesnt care you are black.
Which is double sided because it suggests that she does have feelings around race or she wouldn't be making a big deal about it.

I don't mean she is racist but sounds as if there are deep seated cultural (how she was bought up) issues at play.

Not sure if that makes any sense

thefirstmrsdv that did make me laugh!

Thanks everyone, I think I understand a bit more now why she does it. No one I've met before ever have done this, so I think I just struggled to understand. I do actually remember telling her how a past boyfriends mum didn't approve of us because I wasn't white, and I wasn't allowed in her home. I wonder if she's gone a bit ott trying to prove she isn't like that. Dh and I have been together for years now though, so she really doesn't need to prove (and never did) that she likes me, I know she does.

I also agree that while trying to act as though race is irrelevant to her, always mentioning it shows the opposite. Next time she does it I may gently say something, but she really is lovely I wouldn't want to upset her.