...to worry about potentially uprooting our lives?

[ABitQwerty]

NC but long term poster and would be very outing with my posting history from my usual username. Sorry, this will be long but I don't want to drip feed.

So basically, now my dparents have retired they've decided to sell the family home and move southwards, to the coast. They're talking about moving some 100 miles away.

Whilst they are happy for my dsis to stay around here as she has a partner who she is house hunting With, dm is putting the pressure on me to come with them.

I am disabled (EDS) and single parent to ds10 With ASD. Dm is convinced I won't manage alone even though I largely do now.

Dm has spoken to ds about moving and as he dislikes school and likes the seaside he is very amenable to moving. However, having looked at schools in the county they want to move to I'm not thrilled by their Ofsted or league table rankings, let alone the lack of SEN provision. The only outstanding schools are Grammar or private. Ds will not cope with exams yet - he freaked out when school mentioned the 11+ and you can't even talk to him about SATs - so I don't think he'll get in to a grammar, and there's no way we can afford private. He is bright enough to be in a mainstream and repeatedly turned down for EHCP.

Currently we're on the doorstep of an outstanding state school that specialises in STEM which ds is strong in. I've said I'd rather stay here alone and rent for longer if ds can go to this school but dm is going on about how will l cope without a husband or them to look after me and dangling the "if you move down with us we'll give you enough for a house deposit" (she also says that the amount they'll give me won't get a house here - it will, but may be a stretch and I may have to go for shared ownership fjrst). Dm has always been very anti me having any involvement from SS even though we more than qualify, as she thinks they'll just take ds off me, but I'd happily self refer to get some support and respite every now and then.

The other thing is after a hard fought battle with my own mental health I now have a good group of Mum friends and a good group of hobby friends. It took a lot for me to go out and make those friends and I don't know if I can do that again. If I move 80 miles away and end up isolated only with dparents I'm worried for my MH. Dparents also go on holiday a lot and leave me alone then (last time dm told me not to call with any dramas) so if I move away from friends and dparents keep going on their jollies then what?

I don't know what to do for the best. I want what's best for ds and me but is that house ownership in a cheaper area where I know no one (I probably wouldn't even be in the same town as dparents as there is not even a 'good' school where they want to go) or is it trying to cope alone where ds can go to a great school and I at least have some friends and a workaholic dsis? I fully admit I have ASD traits myself and am not a fan of change.

Has anyone here uprooted their lives on their own and it's been a raging success? Or regretted it massively? AIBU to worry over this and should just take dms offer to buy me a house? I realise I'm very lucky to have parents that care and want to keep me close, but I don't think this is right for me any more. 5 years ago when we first spoke about it, I was isolated and my MH was bad then maybe yes, but I've spent the past 3-4 years building connection and a life to keep me sane whilst waiting for 'the move'.

This all smacks time of your mother wanting to either control you or still feel needed or both. It sounds like you have a great life and are coping well so no I wouldn't move. I would make sure that I had adequate help though if needed to take the place of parents..is that feasible?

Stay.

There was a great thread on here recently about "do you regret moving house?". One poster said she did regret it. During her decision-making process, a friend had told her: "if you're on the fence or 50/50 about moving, then don't move."

I'd say you're well under 50/50! Stay!! If you DO end up finding it harder with your parents, you can always move later on.

But you'll miss your friends if you go, and friends are vital.

I'd stay.

PS: I moved, and I regret it!!

It sounds like friends and schools trump the need to have your parents nearby and stability will be better for your mental health and ultimately your DS. I'd stay put.

The friends alone would make me stay.

Is your sister in your current town?

It sounds like you and DS have a great set of supports and opportunities where you are now. That's not easy to build, not even for someone who finds it easier to put themselves out there. To me, it sounds like you should stay.

Also, it seems to me like your mum is putting pressure on you to move against what seems like your own best interests. Did you know she was going to talk to your DS about moving? That doesn't sound great to me, honestly, it sounds like she was trying to influence you via him and really it should be your decision and your call when and how to broach it with your son. I'd worry that this dynamic would get worse if you were more isolated with only your parents to depend on.

It's hard to turn down monetary gifts in this economic climate but moving away from everything you have is a pretty big string attached to that down payment. I can't imagine it'd be worth it in the long run, for you or your DS.

I'd stay. DS an visit in the holidays and enjoy the seaside then.

Your mother sounds very selfish and self serving. She clearly doesn't want what is best for you and/or your DC. If she did, she'd want you to be where you're happy and have support. It seems you have both of those things in your current locale, so it would be silly to move.

Thanks for all the replies.

Peppa That was my thought too. A bit of both definitely. I'm potentially taking more of a leadership role in my hobby group in the coming months and she freaked out that I'd get bullied once I took it on. I'm in my mid-late 30s ffs! Dsis has always been more distant and as she's healthy and has a partner dm feels she can manage even though dsis can't cook or do her own laundry at 30!!!

7Days Yes, dsis and partner currently live with dparents. After years of saying they wouldn't kick her out they've now offered her the same deal as me to move out. But as sis and dp have 2 salaries they can easily afford a mortgage and it may be a little trickier for me, although I earn ok and with what they're offering df reckons I could still put a 15% deposit down in this area or nearby enough for ds to take the bus from. Df is generally more supportive and willing to let me try things, dm has always been overprotective of me.

Beach a lot of it is dm being caught up in enthusiasm and df is extremely happy with the current valuation of their house. Dm has been the driving force behind where they move and I think is just happy that df is on board as he wanted to move somewhere else initially. I didn't know she was going to talk to ds, no, and was a bit annoyed by it. We'd talked about moving in broadest terms in the past and the whole seaside/garden/pets/own decor appealed to him, but the reality is he struggles with friendships and he has friends here as well as friendships and activities with a wide circle of other SEN children (from my mums group, which was set up for that purpose).

Honestly with all our activities we've never been so busy! If I could transport ds' groups and activities I'd move in a heartbeat (I can join a new hobby group), but I worry we'll go back to how we were 3 years ago when he had no one and said he wanted to die.

MsMozart that's what I've said to ds - holiday visits at first and maybe we'll move down later. He doesn't see any of his df's family so his grandparents are important to him and me saying that made him sad, but I told him that later he could do the apprenticeship he currently wants to do anywhere in the country, including down there, but he might not have such a good school as he will have here if we move.

Dparents do help me out frequently - they had him whilst I had a hospital appointment today and babysit for me, but he's getting older and I will be able to leave him home alone in 2-3 years as he's pretty responsible. Other times he comes with me and could have come with me today but they offered to have him. So I don't think the babysitting argument that's been thrown up is really even valid.

Well you haven't said a single positive thing about moving - so surely that tells you all you need to know.

It is 8 years, six if he wants to move for the apprenticeship. Have seen what a poor school can do to a child. I would suggest that you will reconsider after GCSEs.

Do you think that it is also partly that they want family nearby and so looking out for their own interests. It will be quite a lifestyle shift to go from looking after you and dsis to a house with just the two of them. Soon too the balance of care will shift and they will need looking after. It might not be conscious on their part but might be a factor.

I think I may be in a negative headspace right now and had you asked me five years ago I was all "Everything will be better when we move". Of course things have changed in that time and it could be that things have changed again so suddenly that I'm a bit freaked out. Only a few weeks ago this was all just fantasy and now my parents are talking about being settled in 6 months time, which wouldn't work for ds with his SATs anyway, but I'm sure dparents are thinking I'd be as to move down this time next year in time for ds to start year 7.

I think I need to do more research first and maybe we'll move down later. But I want to really make sure I'm making the right decision for us both.

It's possible should - as much as I'm the disabled daughter I'm also the homebody. There was originally talk of them buying somewhere with a granny annexe that I'd live in and then when they got older we'd swap. But part of the reason they're giving us both a good part of our inheritance now is because they don't want to lose everything in care fees and leave us with nothing.

I do also wonder at how they'll be without me and dsis to act as buffer - we're already doing that a lot!

Oh and they're moving to be closer to family - albeit slightly older family!

If the county they're moving to is Kent, tread carefully. There are pockets of schools with very challenging intakes and poor results- this is of course polarised by the 11+ system.

Everything you're saying suggests you want to stay.

How can your Mum come out with such nonsense as SS will take your DS away from you?

Total misinformation, scaremongering and probably designed to control you!

And how come they 'are happy' for your sister to stay put because she hasva partner... it isn't up to them, ONLY up to your sister. She would have as much right to stay whatever her circumstances. They seem very overbearing in your lives!

I definitely would not uproot your son or yourself, and the school he can go to sounds great.

I moved to my DH home (European) country. I moved from a tiny London flat to a large house, huge garden and a barn but I massively regret the move.

I think your DM was unreasonable to discuss the move in an attempt to lure your DS. It is up to you to discuss any possible move with him. It sounds as if your DM treats you like a child. Let them make the move first you can go and stay there, get to know the place, see if you like it. There is nothing to stop you moving there later on if you want to.

I have "uprooted my life" on several occasions and I have never regretted it. It is possible to start again. However, in the situation you describe, I think you should stay put. It's obvious that you don't want to move, and the fact that your parents want you to follow them isn't a good enough reason. You have worked hard to build a life for yourself, despite some challenging circumstances. Don't throw that all away to assuage your parents' guilt about the move. This is their dream, not yours.

I do also wonder at how they'll be without me and dsis to act as buffer - we're already doing that a lot!

Google retired husband syndrome. Many couples have never spent 24/7 together. It sounds as though you know the answer at least at first.

Stay put.

You have SO much going for you where you are. Great school, good friends, familiarity. You are in a 'good place' with your MH.

I'm sure your parents have helped a lot over the years, but it sounds like they've probably not been too great for your MH tbh. I know it's hard when you have a child with a disability, but some parents find it impossible to accept you've grown into an adult & are not still a child. (I'm not disabled & my mum still treats me like I'm closer to 4 than 40!).

Also, to be very blunt, your parents aren't always going to be able to help you & will possibly need help themselves.

You need to be clear & firm. Your home/life/DS's school is HERE & you are STAYING. What they choose to do is up to them (stay or move). It is THEM moving away, so don't put up with any guilt tripping.

As for DS, I'm sure he'd love to move to the seaside😊 But YOU have to do what's best for him, and that's s good school. He can visit them loads and it'll be a treat.

Stay strong.

You are an adult and a parent and it is YOUR choice and your choice alone where you live. Where your DPs choose to live is up to them, but your DM sounds very controlling and actually rather mean, insinuating that you can't cope without them. Where you live now sounds much better for your DS and 100 miles isn't that far (my DPs live 100 miles from me and it takes just over 2 hours to get there). In your situation I'd stay put. Moving to another area is a big deal and having done it more times than I care to remember I can tell you that it takes years to build up a good network of friends and support, school, service providers, etc. If you need practical support, by all means contact SS. Again, it's YOUR choice to do this, it's actually nothing to do with your DM.

I do also wonder at how they'll be without me and dsis to act as buffer - we're already doing that a lot!

I wonder if this is the reason your DM wants you to move with them?

It sounds like you've got a stable and happy set up right now for both you and your DS. I'd stay. You and your DS can always visit them at the seaside. You don't have to live there.

PS. Moving house is considered one of most stressful things you can do. Don't do it unless you have to/want to.

You are a mum in your 30s who doesn't sound like she wants to move and is happy with her social life and future for her ds where she is.

You should definitely stay- rent a small place and enjoy your happy sounding life! Ds can visit your parents by the seaside in the holidays.

Another one suggesting that you stay. I moved (approx 80 miles) just over a year ago as a "disabled" single mum to give year old DD (I am deaf). BUT I was ready to go, very excited about it all, keen for new challenges and as it happens I was moving closer to one of my brothers. However I do now have to work at rebuilding local friends etc which I know will take time.

You don't sound ready at all. Personally I'd stay put!!