to be so upset that DP forgot anniversary of my DF's death?

[Hassled]

It was 4 years yesterday that my Dad died - we were very close (my mother died when I was 16), he died very suddenly so there was no time for goodbyes, I really miss him and the date was a big deal for me. It's probably rawer at the moment as we're getting married very soon and all I can think about is that DF won't be there. Anyway, DP forgot - he's working away, rang yesterday and said "You seem a bit low - what's up?" and I exploded at him. I know it's just one date out of 365 to him, I know he feels like shit and has since apologised many many times but I just can't get my head around the fact he forgot. I feel like I'm about to marry someone who thinks about me so seldom that he can't remember a really important date - and I know I'm probably over-reacting and I need to just move on but how do I get past this?

Did you know your DP when your father died, ie was your DP around then?

If he wasn't, I think it's an awful lot to expect for him to remember that anniversary. And, in fact, I think it would be just fine if you reminded your DP in the run up to anniversaries that they are ahead. I don't think it is reasonable to expect our DP's to read our minds.

Yes, DP knew my father well - we've been together 12 years. Basically I know I am being completely unreasonable, I just can't seem to stop being unreasonable IYKWIM

Sorry but I think whatever relationship you had with your Father is not automatically transferred to your DP. I normally remember the first anniversary but pretty much after that my head is filled with other things.

Sorry that you feel so bad though

well I can't remember when my husband's mother and father died, and both were definitely since we married . Pretty sure FIL was shortly after halloween, and MIL in spring, but no more accurate than that.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable, but I understand your feelings. He could tell from your voice that you were low, and asked what was up, so it's obvious that he cares.

If it bothers you so much, buy him a diary and mark significant dates in it.

Sorry, but try as i might I can't remember the dates that my um's parents dies and every year when she tells me I am shocke dit's come round again so soon. Please don't judge whether he cares about you by whether he remembers these dates or not...

Hassled - I'm so sorry about your Dad. It's completely understandable that you are feeling raw at the moment.

Had you mentioned it to your DP recently? Was he around when you lost your dad? I'm just thinking that a date can be just that - a bunch of numbers - unless you have actual memories of it, or it's vivid in your head for some reason (ie you mentioning it).

If you had said 2 weeks ago "god I'm not looking forward to the 27th" and he had said "why?", would you have been so angry? or do you think the emotion of the day coloured your response?

You're not unreasonable to be upset, but it does sound like DP just plain forgot - pressure of work, wedding plans, all other sorts of things in his head - and he is obviously very upset that he's hurt you.

I don't know if this will help you at all; my friend lost her dad very suddenly 4 months before her wedding, and I know she was desperately missing him in the run up to the day. So the day before, we sat down and talked about him, and looked at pictures, and said how much he would have loved the day, and how embarassing his dancing would have been and yes, there were lots of tears but she went into the actual wedding day with lots of great memories of him in her head and feeling like he was with her in a way.

I think it's a very difficult thing to deal with though I don't think I'd be angry with him, Men don't remember dates & things as well as Women.

No real advice on how to cope with it sorry but in future I'd give him some prior warning re the date to make him aware.

My Grandmother died 8yrs ago & my Brother probably couldn't tell you which month it was never mind the date!

I hope you feel better soon.

hassled - so sorry . I shouldn't imagine for a moment that he thinks of you seldom and doesn't care. My DH lost his father 10 yrs ago last summer and it is still painful on the anniversary. I love him dearly and I know how important the anniversary is but I am guilty of forgetting the date. However when I find him a bit low and quiet it doesn't take much to put mood and time of year together and work it out. He's been away, distracted, out of synch with you a little, oblivious to the calendar probably. Don't take it too much to heart. He's sorry and that's what counts. If he forgot and didn't see what all the fuss was about, then you'd have grounds to worry.

Hope all goes well for the wedding.

Well I don't know the date my DH mum or dad died, and I can guarantee DH won't know the date mine died (although would be able to tell you the month)..

I think the fact that he has apologised shows that he does care about you etc (some men would have shouted back that how was he supposed to know etc)..

I learnt a long time ago that just because my DH doesn't do anything special on special days - it doesn't mean that I don't mean anything to him..

He shows he loves me in many other ways, and to be honest in more important ways..

This must be very hard for you getting married without your mum and dad around, but don't take it out on your DP, it isn't his fault...

And remember that your mum and dad will be there with your in spirit and that I am sure they would be very proud of you..

perhaps it would help if you tried reversing the situation. What are the three days in the year your DP is lowest? And the three happiest days? Check with him if you got it rights (like a Mr&Mrs quiz ).

I find it quite humbling when I see that a lot of things that really annoy me about dp - I actually do back to him (such as, tune him out when he goes on and on about some new gadget thing that he wants to get for the living room, then lay into him for not being enthusiastic about planning a party, or whatever.. )

oh dear

ime men just aren't great at this sort of thing (remembering in general in fact )

hope you have a better day today

Thank you everyone - and I know I'm asking too much to expect one random date to be remembered. I think I reacted so badly because of the wedding - it's a registry office do, so no walking up the aisle, but I just know how delighted DF would have been that we're finally getting married. We've settled on Fly Me To The Moon as the music when we sign the register, which was one of DF's favourites so he'll be there in some way. Thank you again.

Hassled I am sorry about your dad

It's not unreasonable for you to be upset, but it's a little bit unreasonable to expect your dh-to-be to remember imo.

I always avoid any situation like this with dh by saying the week before 'the anniversary of x is next week'. We chat about it, and I never know whether he would have forgotten if I hadn't mentioned it, IYSWIM.

I know dh does care about me, but he is useless with dates. Or to put it another way, his crapness with dates does not mean that he does not care about me. Suspect your dp is the same.

Don't fall out with him over this - the whole issue is probably mixed up with pre-wedding nerves and of course your mum and dad not being there.

I bet your dp is now really gutted that he is away and can't be there to look after you.

x-posts hassled.

Think your choice of song is a lovely idea.

Poor you Hassled . imo it's probably the actual upset of the day and the stress of the wedding that's upset you more than him remembering the date. If he had remebered it it wouldn't have made you feel any better. Nice thought about the song. Big occasions like this always bring home the loved ones who are missing. My sister got married just over twelve mths after my mum died and we gor through the day by mentioning her in the speeches and toasting to her. And it was a really nice upbeat day which we were all worried about. Have you thought of releasing a balloon/dove after the service or placing his favourite thing on a chair where he would have sat in the reg office in memory of him ?

My dhs mum died three years ago and i still have to remind myself of the date.
It was such a terrible time because she had a brain tumor and lung cancer. It was too late for them to cure her so she just lived out her final months as normally as she could. She even made it to our wedding thankfully. When she did pass away we were with her, me, my dh and dhs dad. I can remember the details very clearly, but the date is always a bit hazy for me.
As youre about to marry him these issues, among others, will play on your mind becasue you are planning to spend the rest of your life with him.
He sounds great though, he obviously just forgot.
Don't dwell on it, just look forward to your happy day.

Blokes can barely remember their own birthdays so try not to be too upset with him. Sorry to sound awful, but the date is not as significant to him as it is to you IYSWIM.
Talk to him about it and perhaps make plans to do something next year to remember your father (with it being 5 years etc). Give him plenty of gentle reminders.
He's mortified he forgot.
Have a lovely wedding day. Drink a toast to your dad, maybe even put a photo of him on the top table so he's 'there' on your day.

Every now and then I give myself a stern telling off (a trip to the virtual naughty step, if you like ) for wasting so much of my time lurking and occasionally posting on MN when I could be doing something more constructive - but at the risk of sounding too gushy, responses like yours have made me realise exactly why I'm so addicted, and why MN is so important.

Message withdrawn

it's SO horrible to lose someone you love so deeply, and no-one can understand the pain until they've suffered too. forgive your dp, because he just doesn't realise. my dad died 6 years ago and i still cry whenever i think of him. i miss him dreadfully - it's still a physical pain i feel in my chest. but i bet my dh doesn't remember the year he died, let alone the actual date. that's not to say he doesn't care, he's just unaware.

enjoy your wedding, pay a tribute to your dad and forgive your dp. unfortunately one day he'll understand.

Sorry to hear about your dad (and your mum). You said you know your DP feels like shit. He can't change it honey. It is the fact you are still getting used to not having your dad around that is mixing you up and making you feel crap. Not your DP. He's just the one you want to take it out on because he's there. I hope you have a lovely wedding day, your dad will be proud.

Hassled, so sorry you have been feeling low, seeing that you are having "fly me to the moon" at your wedding made me well up. My DF is fortunately alive and well, but it is also one of his favourite songs and makes me so grateful for what I still have.

My DH does not remember ANY important dates, sweeping generalisation but men tend to be worse with dates and especially as he was working away it just slipped your DP's mind. The fact that he was apologetic and feels so bad shows how much he cares about you. If he had said "oh for god's sake, pull yourself together Hassled" then perhaps it would be time to rethink the wedding.

Hope your big day is fabulous.