To not tell my BF **TW - SELF HARM**

[ShouldITellHim]

So I'll try and give brief details, I have name changed for this. I have OCD and aspergers and have been on anti depressants since last September when I had a breakdown. (I had my aspergers assessment in March this year and now understand the link)

I used to scratch my leg in primary school (when I was in the bath) until it bled so I could pick the scabs in assembly as I was bored.

Last year I started to scratch my arms (not breaking the skin) with a pen lid, in the months leading up to the breakdown, as the pain was a distraction.

I didn't realize until after it was a form of self harm.

This week I've gone into shutdown after a stressful 4 months which involved my assessment, my husband leaving and other things on top.

My best friend lives 200 miles away and has had a tough year and we've been there for each other while going through really difficult times. He could tell on the phone last night I wasn't myself (we speak everyday at the moment) but normally I would hide myself away, but I wanted to talk to him.

I didn't tell him that I scratched my arm with an earring last night, I had some wine after not eating much but I wasn't drunk (less than 2 glasses) but because I was low I scratched my arm.

The thing is he goes on holiday tomorrow and I know if I tell him he might not go. I've joined a group on FB who are very supportive and I know there's someone there 24/7 and they also said to ring Samaritans which I will if I need too, and I'm referring myself for counseling but this time I'm going to be honest about the self harm. But if I keep it from him and tell him when he gets back he'll be upset I didn't tell him.

Yesterday shocked me so I won't be drinking again and I scared myself last night, this was the shock I need not to go down the road I did last year. I'm confident I won't do it again now.

Should I tell him when he gets back?

Not unless you really want to. It sounds like you're in control and you don't need his support desperately right now. See how you feel when he's back from holiday?

A big part of me wants to tell him, but I would feel so guilty if he then didn't go on holiday? It feels almost selfish to tell him?

Don't tell him and ruin his holiday.

You realise the gravity of what you did, and you know you aren't at risk of really injuring yourself. So let him enjoy his holiday.

Hi OP, I'm an aspie with depression and anxiety too. I also self-harm in a similar fashion to you, enough to cause mild pain but not enough to break the skin. To be honest I wouldn't say anything over the phone as it is easy for people to misinterpret the motivation behind the behaviour and the function that it serves. You've had a very rough time of it and scratching your arm with an earring or pen lid is a coping mechanism of sorts, and a very common one for people on the spectrum, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Counselling is a good idea and one of the many things you can work through with a good therapist is the scratching. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to stop until you've discussed it with a professional and they have offered alternative coping mechanisms, otherwise you could experience further distress having removed something that momentarily helps with nothing else to replace it.

Be kind to yourself

Thank you for understanding Matt I just hope I can be honest when I phone for counseling but I know I need too

A GP should be able to refer you for a mental health assessment with CMHT. In my are CBT is offered, but it didn't help me particularly. I'm now on a year long course of Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which is excellent. Originally it was designed for people with borderline personality disorder, but it's had very good results for people on the spectrum, especially the distress tolerance skills.

You don't need to tell him. Sometimes we must keep things to ourselves to allow those who support us a break. Not that I'm suggesting he needs a break from you, not at all, but he needs his break from everything -- his holiday. Let him go and enjoy himself. I almost guarantee he will appreciate this and will not be angry if you decide to tell him when he returns.

I won't tell him, I know it would be selfish of me, which is why I posted as I had to hear it?

CBT never worked for me either but I believe that's quite common for people on the spectrum too? Thanks for the suggestion Matt I will ask about that.