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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU that OH shouldn't speak to office emotional affair person

19 replies

user748239573 · 04/08/2017 16:48

In the relationship before DP and I got together, they were married for a number of years. Very unhappy in the marriage and got close to someone at work as "friends".

But the sort of friends that went out and got drunk a lot. And shared hotel rooms (assured nothing else went on).

When DP and I got together, stopped seeing the friend at work, although still speaks/messages.

That was an EA, right? Am I just being paranoid they still speak lots?

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 04/08/2017 16:55

Well does it matter?

He has been speaking to her for the whoke duration of your relationship. If you felr uncomfortable with it (which i probably would) you could have endes it sooner.

Why is an issue now?

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 04/08/2017 16:57

Pre dates your relationship?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2017 16:58

I'd ask him if he thought I came down in the last shower if he honestly thought I believed he shared a hotel room with a woman he was having an EA with and nothing happened.

And I'd be more upset at the constant lying and blatant lack of respect then that he still talked to her, but really, that tells you everything.

Original poster
user748239573 · 04/08/2017 17:02

"Pre-dates" the relationship is an interesting one as kind of yes I suppose, although OH says it was never a "thing" anyhow and they still talk. OH wants me to meet them as well.....eeeek....

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/08/2017 17:27

How is it an affair if it happened before you got together? Presumably he was single then so if he wanted to date this person then he could have

I think you need to meet them and try to befriend them . Don't be jealous

BadPolicy · 04/08/2017 17:30

From your OP I don't see anything that makes me think it was an EA, is there more to it?

CinderellaRockefeller · 04/08/2017 17:31

So your DP had an emotional affair with this woman, when he was married to his (presumably now ex) wife?

Then he got together with you but is still talking to this woman, but you don't want him to?

Is she married? If not presumably they could have got together when your dp split with his wife?

What's the timeframe on this? How long has he been split up from the ex-wife?

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2017 17:33

Don't make assumptions about gender. The use of "they" is telling.

OnionKnight · 04/08/2017 17:33

He's not hiding it so what's the problem?

ButchyRestingFace · 04/08/2017 17:41

I take it you're in a same sex relationship? I had to read your OP 3 x to make sense of it. Confused

Nothing about what you describe screams "emotional affair".

SpartacusSaiman · 04/08/2017 17:48

If its a same sex relationship, i really dont see the Ops problems at all.

I have shared beds with female friends, loads of times. And hotel rooms. Borhvstraight and lesbian friends.

BossyBitch · 04/08/2017 17:56

And if it's not a same-sex thing: likewise!

I don't share hotel rooms with my male co-workers (for starters because the company pays for single rooms, thank goodness!) but I do go out with them, sometimes get drunk with them, talk about stuff with them (including personal stuff at times).

I don't sleep with any of them and I'm not in love with them either. We're just friends. And, as it happens, I prefer to work in an environment where being friends with the people I spend 9-12 hours a day with is an option.

I get quite upset when friendships woth female co-workers are considered inappropriate. I'm female and reasonably attractive. I also work in a heavily male dominated industry. What am I supposed to do? Keep to myself and refuse to make meaningful connections with my co-workers in order to avoid upsetting wives and girlfriends whom I don't know from Adam? Frump myself up and risk violating company policy on grooming standards?

LuLuuuuuuu · 04/08/2017 19:08

I have shared beds with male colleagues , female friends . To Sleep.

I am getting on in years so what is an emotional affair please ? I think I get the gist of it but if anybody could tell me I would be grateful

supersop60 · 04/08/2017 19:15

An emotional affair is an affair that is not (yet) physical. Inappropriate closeness, sharing stuff that one doesn't share with one's partner/spouse, lying, hiding, deceiving, secret and frequent emails, texts etc.
Same sex or opposite sex - the feelings are the same.
OP I can't help you - the relationship pre-dates you. What is it that's bothering you now?

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 04/08/2017 19:16

I hate the whole concept of an emotional affair tbh. If I confide in a female friend and spend time with them it's seen as fine if I have tge same level of friendship
With a ma n it's an emotional affair!

LuLuuuuuuu · 04/08/2017 19:22

Thank You supersop60

SpartacusSaiman · 04/08/2017 19:22

Thats not my definition of an emotional affair. For me its when it gets to a point you are hiding things from your partner. Or investing more time in your friendship and freezing your partner out. Usually one would be aware the feelings were more than friendship and its close to being physical.

Your description, just sounds like friends to me iwant

MissionItsPossible · 04/08/2017 19:30

This is the first time I've heard of this term! I still don't quite understand it though, is it basically friendship with flirting?

SpartacusSaiman · 04/08/2017 19:42

I would say its more than flirting. But not physical.

So if your friendship has gone into manufacturing excuses to spend time together (thats more when its an EA at work) lying about spending time together, checking out of your relationship etc.

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