...to be resentful of non driving sil?

[katelyle]

My brother and sil live quite near us. he works long hours and she doesn't drive so I do a lot of ferrying about. I love doing it - I've got 8 seats in my car and I like them to be full, so I drop neice home after school, take nephew and neice to trampolining club with mine, do the Brownie run - if there's anything going on that needs a car I always offer a lift. I drive them places at least 3 or 4 times a week. I didn't think twice about it til last week, when my brother said something about a house they had seen that was too far from school to walk. I said - oh what a shame O (sil) doesn't drive - why doesn't she learn? To which my brother replied "Oh, she wouldn't want to learn to drive just to end up being a taxi service to the kids" I didn't say anything at the time, but now every time I drive nephew and neice anywhere I find it hard to stop myself feeling resentful. Which is rediculous, because I would be going to the places anyway with my two so it's no trouble.....BUT! AIBU???

Is it possible that your brother has got the wrong end of the stick/misreported what your SIL actually said?

If not, then she's taking the p*ss.

Probably.

You don't really know why she doesn't want to learn, you just have your DB's word for it.

It's a throwaway comment which he might have dreamed up just at that particular moment. Ask her yourself why she doesn't learn to drive, point out the freedom of it.

She may feel scared, or perhpas is being discouraged by your DB - who knows.

Your sil is Spanish, right? (just seen you on another thread)I live abroad and am too scared to learn to drive becuase i perceive the local drivers to be mad bad drivers. Maybe she would like to but needs encouragement? Maybe you could offer to take her practising?

Sorry but lol - I know exactly what you mean. My sister learned to drive last year, and now bil will not learn - his excuse - 'if I learn to drive I will get fat and become lazy because I will just drive everywhere' Well ok then - but what about growing some willpower and helping out your poor wife who is now designated driver for evermore?!

Anyway, sorry for hijack. Don't be resentful of your sil for something your db said - not really fair. Ask her non-confrontationally why she doesn't drive. Do it in a chatty way and point out the positives.

btw you sound like a lovely sister/sil to them. I hope they appreciate you!

Maybe you are a little. It took a hell of a lot of pushing to get me to take driving lessons. I came up with all sorts of spurious excuses before admitting the real reasons behind not wanting to learn.

Dh and mil used to nag me all the time about taking lessons and I would find any and every reason to stop them nagging me. Cars pollute the environment. I like getting the train / bus. I don't want to put on weight like X did when X got a car and stopped walking everywhere. We can't afford it anyway. And so on.

Your sil might well have said what she did to stop your brother from doing what she sees as nagging her.

And even "oh you should drive, the freedom of it etc. etc." becomes like nagging after a while.

I finally started taking lessons half way through this pregnancy. It was a decision, however, that I had to come to by myself; no amount of persuasion did it I'm afraid.

X posts Doggiesayswoof!!! Yes, that's exactly what I used to say!

It was probably just a daft thing that your db said, you know how brothers just open their mouth and let their belly rumble!
Im in the same position as your SIL, I would brain DP if he said anything like this and I am eternally grateful for all the 'car help' I get from family.
I don't drive because I really lack confidence in it, and it would make my life much easier!

Actually, now I think about it, it's not sil I resent, it's my brother. Which is even more unreasonable, because he's at work when the lifts are needed! I wish he had just said " I know, it's a pity she doesn't, but there it is, some people just can't bear the thought of driving" Then I would have forgotten the whole conversation by now. As it is, I have to stop myself thinking that he thinks my way of life is less important that his wife's. I am SUCH a typical spoilt baby sister!!!!!!

I think i'd be annoyed too, tbh. It is a very round about insult isn't it? We had a friend who didn't drive, and saw no reason to learn as he got by. Well yes, but with the help of muggins here who ferries everything left right and centre... Do they let you know they appreciate the lifts?

Absolutely agree with learning to drive as an adult, I don't think I could do it now so I have major respect for anyone who learns to drive later on in life.

eek! as a non driver a lot of these posts have made me a bit paranoid about accepting lifts etc from my friends.

I have been trying to learn to drive for the last two years - it puts the fear of god into me and I still feel as nervous two years on as when I started and have to take immodium before every lesson.

I interpreted your brother's comments as meaning that the only time SIL would use a car would be for after-school clubs so it's not worth learning to drive. Either way I wouldn't resent SIL on the basis of something your brother said.

I can't drive but also don't rely on other people for transport. If somewhere is unreachable by public transport then we just don't go. If your brother and SIL signed their children up for clubs knowing they wouldn't be able to get them there themselves then that's unreasonable IMHO. OTOH if you offered from the start to take them then I think it's probably a bit late to start resenting them for it.

Oh Fimbo, please don't take my post like that, I still offer lifts to every one, and it's only when someone makes a comment like the one in the OP (or my friend not learning to drive purely because other people can put themselves out for him (in this case it was a lot of hassle, it involved moving a full drum kit into central london, taking out all the car seats and everything, very much hassle in fact!) that you feel a little bit narked. Its being taken for granted that hurts a little, I think.

I am really impressed that you are learning to drive, as I said, I could not imagine learning as an adult. Being that little bit older and wiser you realise a lot more just what it is you are taking on, but at 17 I just took it in my stride. I hope that you succeed with your driving test and find oodles of confidence very soon!

Oh Fimbo - please don't feel worried about accepting lifts! I love ferrying people around, and as I said, I've got 8 seats and I like them to be full as often as possible! It's not just my nephew and neice I give lifts to - but it's only my brother I'm feeling cross with. All the others I don't mind at all, and I don't want anything in return. I just feel, as stweetybird said that my brother's remark was a round about insult, and I wish I had said something about it at the time! And yes, I did volunteer to give lifts, so I haven't got a leg to stand on. BUT......as I said, spoilt baby sister wants to stamp her foot!

Fimbo I'm with you it's so hard learning to drive as an adult. I had to cancel this week's lesson - my bump's now just too big to fit behind the wheel - but I am determined to continue once I've had the baby.

And you know, dh (who has had to act as my chauffeur the last few weeks - can't walk long distances any more) says that he doesn't mind givine me lifts places now I'm actually making the effort to learn to drive. I'm sure people don't mind giving you lifts; I bet they think it's brilliant you are learning to drive as an adult too.

Please don't jump to conclusions about why someone doesn't want to drive. My friend has epilepsy and is not allowed to drive but doesn't want her ILs to know about her condition so makes up various excuses as to why she doesn't drive.

As a non-driver, with a complete phobia about learning to drive, I would say please ignore the advice others have given on this thread to address the issue with your SIL even in a 'non-confrontational, chatty way'. She doesn't need you to point out the positives - she undoubtedly already knows them. What your brother said was definitely insensitive, but maybe he was trying to change the subject in order to protect her.
I am 43 and my ILs have never stopped getting at me for not driving - they have all got a complete obsession about it although my non-driving and the reasons for it are none of their business and create no issues or problems for them (or anybody else for that matter). MIL even bought me driving lessons for my birthday one year - even though DH begged her not to. She has even brought it up and nagged at me over Christmas lunch.
And all this even though I never ask anyone for lifts. We have chosen to live in a town where we are within easy walking distance of everywhere we want to go. The children and I walk everywhere, we do have a car but DH tends to walk or cycle too so it is rarely used - maybe once a week at most.
I would honestly say, what you do for your SIL is great, but as you point out, you volunteer to do it. If it becomes a burden to you, by all means stop, of course nobody likes to feel they are being taken for granted. Your SIL ought to have a plan B for ferrying the children around that doesn't depend on you - but don't harbour resentment towards your SIL based on your brother's irritating male tactlessness, I'm sure your SIL would be mortified if she knew.

The more non-drivers there are, the more car parking spaces there are for the rest of us.
But what does SIL do if you are, for example, sick, away, or unavailable for any other reason?

There are far too many cars on the road as it is.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments!