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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you have given a heads up?

9 replies

user1498596172 · 03/08/2017 21:20

So I held a party for my daughter's birthday and she invited her school friends. I'm not particularly close to anyone but know well enough to say hello. They're at the age where they can be dropped off and picked up later.
Now bare in mind I'm running round like a headless chicken trying to greet/entertain/cook ect. There's one little boy who's being quite demanding, arranging food, not drinking the drink I provide ect. He seems to be struggling. I had a close friend helping me when she approaches me and says she thinks this bit might be autistic when the penny dropped. I felt bad about being firm with him on a few occasions but his mum never mentioned it. I would have been more accomadating had I known. The second hour went a lot smoother, and all was well, although he did struggle with the games. When his mum picked him up she asked how he was and happened to mention then he was in fact autistic.
I wouldn't have treated him any differently to the other kids except filled his glass how he liked and allow him to arrange the food ect. I would have helped him cope better. I did wonder after though why she left him on his own. They're only 6-7 aged kids!

OP posts:
Phosphorus · 03/08/2017 21:25

I might not have given a heads up.

A birthday party is 1-2 hours max, in a safe environment, and of no consequence really.

My child will have to negotiate a world where not everyone will accommodate them.

It does no harm for them to be a little out of their comfort zone, safe in the knowledge that they can retreat again afterwards. They need to be able to do that, without others bending to their will/rules.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/08/2017 21:25

I have an autistic child and no I don't walk into a room and label him as different. Never have done. He's learned coping strategies to deal with the world; faffing and bubble wrapping and would not have facilitated that. I am an advocate of tough love.

Mulch · 03/08/2017 21:26

I would have mentioned it even though I'd hate to think of them being singled out or treat differently in anyway. At least now you know, why not Invite around again for a play date.

user1498596172 · 03/08/2017 21:28

That's fine and I understand but a lot of my time was taken up helping him and dealing with his demands while I had 15 other children to entertain. Just a 'he likes his drink full' would have helped a lot. She didn't stay to help me.
Sorry if aibu though, my experience of autism isn't very much. :(

OP posts:
MrsJoyOdell · 03/08/2017 21:28

Depends really. If I was that worried about DS not coping I'd stay with him, regardless of age. I'm quite open about his diagnosis anyway so most of his peers' parents are already aware and very good with him. Like the PPs though, I wouldn't habitually give a heads up no. Only about potential triggers if they're likely.

user1498596172 · 03/08/2017 21:32

We have a playdate planned :) I know his mum struggles, since the party I've made more of an effort to speak to her. I've seen her crying at the school gates before but didn't really know why and she always had someone with her so I didn't stop to talk. I added her on Facebook before the party (my mobile was broken) and we've started getting friendly so they're coming over next week for a playdate. My daughter is dead excited!

OP posts:
DisneylandDreams · 03/08/2017 21:42

I have 2 sons with ASD (both at special school), and if they had ever been invited to a party with other neuro-typical children, then I would ensure that the hosts were aware of their disability, and I certainly wouldn't leave them without support. But then my two (although like chalk and cheese) can melt down over the most bizarre things, one's a runner, and one can get physically violent when stressed, so....

DisneylandDreams · 03/08/2017 21:43

It's lovely that you're making an effort though - don't stop, as I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

Countvesuvius · 03/08/2017 21:50

I think you absolutely should have been given a heads up. It's all very well people not wanting to label their children in situations and of course they want them to learn coping strategies, but I don't think that's particularly thoughtful towards the party host who is already going to be busy and a bit stressed.

I'm a bit surprised she didn't stay tbh. At DD's school they've had their 6th birthdays and the majority of parents still stay, with NT children.

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