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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/WWYD... sick relative and going on holiday?

24 replies

MrsClegane · 03/08/2017 20:48

My nan is ill, shes really gone downhill and may not last much longer.
We have a family holiday booked for the end of next week. I told dh what was happening with dn and he said she wouldn't want us to 1) mope around waiting for her to die and 2) not to waste money we have spent on the holiday.

I agree she wouldn't want us to do either of these things, I said if the worst happens we could arrange to come home early... he said he could always drop me off at the airport and get someone to pick me up at the other side and him and kids come home when planned. (yes dick comment!!!)

I said we have to just wait and see what happens.... he also thinks it's time to tell the children (9, 6, 4) whats going to happen.... I want to wait as it would upset them and it could be weeks before it happens. (weeks of unhappiness vs just upset when it does happen)

so...wwyd... would you tell the kids now or wait until it eventually does happen?
Would you go on holiday or cancel?
would you come home early? (i know dh is thinking of the money, I don't care, I would want to be there)
How long do funerals take after death? (shes planned everything so it would basically just be my aunts and uncles choosing a date...if that makes any difference)

OP posts:
helterskelter99 · 03/08/2017 20:51

I wouldn't come home early and I would go

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 03/08/2017 20:55

Flowers for you at this awful time. I don't think it was a dick comment from your DH, if you wanted to return there is no reason for him and the DC to.
You never can predict these things, if you're comfortable going then go. Not unusual for funerals to take a week even 2 to organise.

Mrscropley · 03/08/2017 20:56

I had tickets to a concert the day they switched my gm life support machine off - - she knew about both and had made me promise I would still go. .

I did, I enjoyed myself as it was what she wanted.

Go on holiday, if you get bad news while there just tell the dc and raise a toast and so something in her memory when you get home if you miss the funeral. .

RedSandYellowSand · 03/08/2017 20:56

I'm sorry about your Nan.

Go on holiday. Don't come home early if the worst happens.

If possible, go see your Nan before you go on holiday.

I think i'd tell the kids she was ill- do they even know this??

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/08/2017 20:58

I would go.

If she passed while you were away I would come back and leave DH and the kids on holiday (if he doesn't want to come back) but only if the funeral was arranged for when you were still away.

However some funerals I have been to have been 3 weeks after the person passes so there is no reason to have it while you are away. I'd speak to the rest of the family about this before you go to let them know you'd want to be there.

Enchantedflamingo · 03/08/2017 20:58

Are you in Scotland or rest of uk op? In Scotland funerals can happen within a week if it isn't sudden and is expected.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/08/2017 20:58

I would go. I also don't think it was a dick comment from your DH.

Funerals can take a while to sort. It isn't just a case of choosing a date. There are other factors too.

Stickerrocks · 03/08/2017 20:59

Exactly what Red said. You need to be honest with your children as well.

RandomMess · 03/08/2017 21:01

Please tell the DC I was lied to by omission and it did an awful lot of damage tbh.

I would go on holiday, visit before you go she may well be still there waiting when you get back.

Icewindfire98 · 03/08/2017 21:01

See your nam before you go on holiday
Tell your kids she's very ill
Go on holiday
Don't come back early if she dies unless your mum etc is struggling to cope without you. And I don't think it's a dick comment to say you could come back on your own - that way you could keep the kids away from everyone upset and also give you a bit of space

TeenAndTween · 03/08/2017 21:02

Flowers See your nan before you go.

Warn your DC that nan is very poorly and you don't know whether she will get well again, but might be ill for sometime.

If she passes away while you are away, then go back if you want to, but tbh having your DC around may hinder more than help, so leave them on holiday. Then you can be with your DF/DM and any siblings.

Funerals take 1-3 weeks. Depending on how busy the crematorium is, don't know about burials.

Original poster
MrsClegane · 03/08/2017 21:03

They know she is poorly, but not to the extent that she won't get better. I've mentioned a few times how she has a poorly tummy and we've posted pictures to make her happy (as she has asked for kids not to come visit her)

Would I not be seen as selfish to not come back for a funeral?

.

OP posts:
circumcisiondecision · 03/08/2017 21:09

I think you should go on holiday, but if the worst happens be ready to come home (on your own if appropriate - if your family at home need you to help make funeral arrangements etc). You can't know how you'll feel til it happens.
There is no point in the whole family missing out on a holiday for someone who may go on for another few weeks / months.
I don't think it would hurt to plant the seed of an idea in your DC's heads that great nanny is very poorly and might not get better, but you don't have to tell them that she's at death's door when she might not be. I dare say only the oldest one will have any understanding of the finality of death..... it's a very abstract concept for small children.
Funerals usually take at least a week, usually more like a fortnight to organise. Obviously some religious communities arrange them much sooner but you'd have said if that was the norm in your community. I'm assuming it will just be a normal Christian-ish funeral...in which case unlikely to be less than ten days. Aside from the burial / cremation, there's quite a lot to arrange - readings, wake, order of service. And relatives do get a choice of date - surely your aunties and uncles would know you wanted to be included and wait til you were back??

SimplyPut · 03/08/2017 21:09

A friends grandmother died the day before she went on a weeks holiday earlier this year. The family agreed to hold the funeral the day after she returned (9 days).

Theresnonamesleft · 03/08/2017 21:10

As others have said the funeral might not happen for a few weeks. Go on the holiday, and only come back if the funeral is while you are away. If DH wants to stay with the dc's let them. I know it would be nice to have that support from him, but everyone coming back could also mean having to arrange childcare. If she doesn't want to see dc's at the moment, she might also have said no dc's at the funeral.

safariboot · 03/08/2017 21:10

If somebody else will be there for your nan, YANBU to go on holiday. But see her first if you haven't for a while. My nan died a couple of months ago and my mum, her daughter, hadn't seen her in over a decade Sad.

If your nan would otherwise be alone, then I would consider cancelling.

And YWNBU to ask that a funeral be scheduled after your holiday. Not unusual for it to be a few weeks after death.

MinesaPinot · 03/08/2017 21:11

So sorry to hear about your nan Flowers

Just want to second everything that Icewindfire says. Go, and let everyone know that you are contactable if there is any news.

bigbluebus · 03/08/2017 21:15

No reason why they can't hold off on arranging the funeral for when you return from holiday (unless your nan is of a religion where the funeral has to take place within 2 days). My Aunts funeral didn't happen until 3 weeks after she died to allow time for her daughter (my cousin) to make arrangements travel from the other side of the world.

Sometimes funerals are 2 - 2 1/2 weeks in the arranging anyway depending on availability of crematorium/funeral director etc.

TeenAndTween · 03/08/2017 21:16

I personally would definitely come back for the funeral, but not straight home the minute you get bad news iyswim?
You may also want to think in advance re whether any of your DC would attend the funeral. Different people have different views, I think that should be yours and your DH's decision, not wider family.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/08/2017 21:18

Go OP
She would want you to - reallly
And spend some time with her before you go Flowers

Original poster
MrsClegane · 03/08/2017 21:18

She has a large loving family and lots of friends who have been visiting regularly. She will not be alone. We saw her 2 weeks ago.

She has planned the whole funeral herself, including songs and readings. She was telling me all about how she had planned everything and it was going to be all about her and no-one else.

She said it was up to us if we brought the children, me and dh spoke about it after we had seen her 2 weeks ago and said we think the children would like to say goodbye and celebrate her life so the intention was to take them to the funeral (speeches, songs, etc) and wake, (not fully decided on the cremation though...it may be too much)

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 03/08/2017 21:29

If it's a cremation, the service may be at the crematorium. You don't see anything, the last one I was at, the coffin was left in situ for people to file past and say goodby, although another, the coffin was discreetly slid away through curtains.

I would go on holiday, OP.

Hairyfairy01 · 03/08/2017 21:54

Differcult to comment without knowing what is wrong with her. From experience most of the elderly are fighters and last a lot longer than expected. If she has close family who come it at visiting times, wash her clothes, feed her if necessary, attend meetings with doctors etc it's not as bad. Equally you can never get this time back with her.

Hubcapdiamondstarhalo · 04/08/2017 00:06

This is the position I was in when my father was dying. It was a tough decision, and obviously a tense time for me, but we went ahead with the holiday on my proviso that I rang home every day, and if necessary would fly home on my own to be with him and my family, leaving DH with the DC to finish the holiday. Not a dick comment from your DH imo, but a practical solution. DC 10 & 8 knew their grandad was very ill, and might die but also knew that he would rather they had their holiday.
We visited as soon as we got home, and he died a week later. Both children were at the funeral, at their own request, having been distraught that we might not allow them to attend and say their goodbyes with the family. We did talk through with them what would happen, so they were prepared for the day.

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