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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm so unhappy...

5 replies

Mulberrybaby · 03/08/2017 07:07

I am so unhappy and I don't know what to do... I have a grown up son who lives at home, he is in a bad place but it's getting me down now. He doesn't work and is very quick to snap and is very difficult to live with, he's always been a difficult child and has caused us concern all of his life.I've now got to the stage where I just want to up and go, I'm not sure where I could go to but I just want to disappear and never be found, that or end it all. My partner doesn't say or do anything, he does everything to avoid confrontation of any kind and over the years it has always appeared to me that he has sided with our children... S a result of this I have lost so much respect for him and whilst he is a good decent man, husband and father I feel immensely resentful towards him and my son which is hideous I know.
I accept that I've not been a perfect mother but then again I honestly feel I have been a great mum, always putting my children's welfare, needs and happiness before mine and it feels like I've given constantly over the past 30 plus years and for what!!! I can't help feeling that the best years of my life has been wasted.
Lots of things have gone wrong just recently, I left a job I was in for years, my parents have died, I have had what was potentially a life threatening illness so I do accept I'm probably depressed but all of this pales into insignificance in comparison to the feeling of tremendous disappointment in my son and I've got to the stage where I just want him gone but then in the other hand if he did leave I'd be worried sick as he has nothing.. no money, no friends nothing!
Please can anyone give me some advice as to what I should do as I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on like this.
I spend so much of my time upset and crying and feel so trapped without any choices. If this is living I don't want it any more, I don't think I could do anything silly probably because I'm a coward but primarily because I couldn't do this to my family.
Thank you for reading this....

OP posts:
crazyhorses3 · 03/08/2017 07:16

I have PMd you mulberry.

astoundedgoat · 03/08/2017 07:16

I'm so sorry you have been going through all this. How is your health now? Was that why you left your job, and can you go back? If at all possible I would ft to go back to work - the financial independence and control over your own life that working will restore will be a first step.

Your son needs to move out. Will your partner support you in a deadline/ultimatum? When you say he is in a bad place, do you mean mental health that means he cannot reasonably support himself, or something else? If you are essentially his carer, there is possibly support available for that?

pallasathena · 03/08/2017 07:40

Start by putting in place some personal boundaries and stick to them. You will not accept any disrespect, name calling, abusive or inconsiderate behaviour from him or anyone else. This has to be your first step.
Don't engage, state your terms of reference and if your boundaries are breached, leave the room, refuse to enter their drama.
Secondly, can you afford to go away, on your own, for a weekend, a few days or longer? You need to re-set your default position mentally and some time to yourself would help I'm sure.
And finally, all of this upset is eating away at your self confidence, your own sense of personal wellbeing. Its time to put yourself first and lead by example. Practise a breezy rather than a despairing approach to your son. You can't change people OP, but you can change the way you react to them. And be kind to yourself.
Sometimes, we care too much for others, others who, if they wanted to, could change their ways but won't...and why should they, when everything is done for them?
Sometimes, we do our best and self sabotage ourselves in the process.

missyB1 · 03/08/2017 07:51

Do you get out of the house and do nice stuff for yourself? Exercise/ hobbies etc.. if I was you I would concentrate on living my own life, but at the same time be working on a plan for your son to move out at some point.
As pp said make sure there are boundaries in place at home, you have a right to live peacefully in your own home without someone behaving badly towards you.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/08/2017 07:56

So sorry op Flowers

Is there anyone you can speak to openly? Your doctor might be able to help.

I would second trying to get out and do some 'me' stuff. Get some headspace away from everything.

Some good advice here. Sorry I can't help more. Just wanted to add my sympathies

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