I know I'm not but I feel liberated.

[peonie83]

I've found increasingly being a SAHM that all I seem to be saying to my DH is that I do everything and I say to him 'you don't realise what I do' and I well today he was out. He doesn't appreciate or understand any of my stress or what I pack in..

I sat down and wrote out everything I do and as I wrote the list grew longer and longer.

It has EVERYTHING on it from cleaning the fridges and ovens to sorting out the bills and budgeting. To getting the petrol, car insurance, medical appointments, house insurance, kids (everything from clubs, school, hair) just everything and I feel released because now (and I'm hoping) I will be able to relinquish some stuff to him because I've written a list.

I just feel liberated because I've put my mental load onto paper and it feels like I do something and I know I do and now I'm waffling. But I'm physically and mentally exhausted. And I'm trying to work out next steps.

How old are your dc?

I once did the post it note list with dh which did surprise him.

You say this is your side and this is mine on a wall and then what do you do dh? Write it down and stick on the wall. Write one for you then him then you etc until all chores are listed.

Then I took a photo of it to send to him as and when needed.

5 and 2.

I've text it and wrote it.

He was out.

He said he'll read it tomorrow and we can talk

Written it? Gosh I can barely speak/write

Does your DH work full time? Does he help look after the children?

I did similar to you when I was a SAHM but my DH was really hands on when he was around - but that was mostly weekends as he worked full time as we needed his salary for me to be a SAHM.

I don't think YABU as clearly you aren't happy with the current situation but equally if your DH works full time then household admin will fall to the one at home.

Yes he works full time.

He also will help put kids to bed at night - if he's home in time.

He mows the lawn.

Puts the bins out.

Everything else I do.

I used an old mumsnet list that I can't find of household/family chores.

I'm exhausted and not coping. I have no family nearby. No close friends.

That sounds rubbish but yes it's good to get it all on paper. I'm PT & it's the same in our house-Wed is a day we're all home at 6.15 & DH is surprised when I ask him to do simple things for dc tea. Worse than the chores is the meal planning - even down to lifting something out of the freezer for next day!

Would love to see that list-things like remembering, promptly him to write the card I've bought & then posting it for his side of the family's birthdays etc-that takes a long time. I might try to offload that chore. Love the family but resent the chore!

There is so much when you see it all down-equal downtime is the goal I think

I'm a working Mum (pt time but long commute) who does pretty much everything for kids/home - like the post it idea MyCalm - may be using that!

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11141910/36-household-chores-men-dont-bother-to-do.html

This is the list I used it's a mumsnet list

I added - substantially

I think if you search for 'Wifework' on MN you might find some more posts about this sort of stuff.

DH - highly paid
Me - PT pretty well paid - long commute - (we don't need to do this)

Mine puts bins out (after I've dragged them to front of house so he remembers)
Cuts the lawn

I Do:
All kid drop off/pick ups - out of school stuff - swimming etc. clubs Brownies
All Laundry, All cooking, All packed lunches shopping THINKING (hate that!) All Cleaning, All putting the bloody laundry away.
All kids homework help
All House Admin bill paying etc
Taking cars for service MOT (we swap for the day)
Arranging extra utilities here Cess Pit etc(rural)
any extra garden assistance
Organising all holidays/days out
All kids medical appointments and taking last minute days when they're sick
All kids school stuff - attendance at things included
Organising all holiday cover for kids
All card present buying (his family mostly _ Mine are gone)
95% of the household cleaning (if it gets too bad he will step up)

If he gets up before me on the weekend (maybe an hour) the kids are in PJs no breakfast teethbrushing or anything,

Well I got that off my chest.

I work full time and DH does everything that you do. Bar house cleaning because we have a cleaner (he hates it, I don't have time for it). He also mows the lawns and puts the bins out, does the DIY and house maintenance, . And does all the paperwork, tax, invoicing and sorting for the private work I do.

I go to work, come home, cook (because I enjoy it), eat, play with boys and do bedtime. DH still thinks I do more than he does and wants to take more off me (he's writing computer software to make some of my responsibilities at work easier). He won't even let me clean up after dinner because I'm tired from being at work all day. Appreciate my children are older (both primary school age) but if you drew up a list of what he does and what I do - his would be waaaaaaay longer. Because mine is mostly "go to work 7:30-6.30".

However - we both parent 50/50 at the weekends. We both do our share of stuff around the house at weekends (although it's usually done by DH in the week so there's not much to do). More importantly, we both sit down at the same time in the evenings and stop. He did (and still does, although they are rarer now) all the night wakings as I need sleep to function at work.

I'm not sure what more you want your DH to do during the week if he's working full time and not back for bedtime some nights - that implies long working days. Would you be happy if he suggested he drops to part time and you pick up some part time work? That way you can both share the household and the earning. I do agree you should be 50/50 at the weekends and it's vital you both have the same amount of leisure time to pursue your own interests.

What I did find with DH is that when I am feeling resentful for whatever reason, he's often feeling the same way. And rather than bottle it up or get cross, if I just express my resentment and say I'm feeling the strain, we talk about it and it helps. Talking is good.

I need to do this, thank you for the impetus.

I'm not sure what I expect from him.

I think leisure time is pretty equal. But I will feed kids etc and have them ready before I go out/go to gym. If I'm away over night happens rarely I'll have everything planned or he'll take them to his mum's (I can't do that as they've never offered).

When he's away with work i of course do everything with no help from him either.

He does though if kids are up in the morning give them breakfast and let's me get ready have an extra 15 mins in bed however he has no idea really what goes on in our lives! Even when I tell him stuff/put it on the calendar no idea.

I will be going back to work soon hence the impetus to put this together.

I feel like I should be coping but I'm really overwhelmed.

He does so long hours and his job is super stressful - he doesn't manage stress well so I encourage him to go to cinema with friends/go swimming. He has an active weekend planned away with siblings.

I'm yet to go somewhere and stay longer than overnight.

I often take the kids in school hols to my family home so he has the house to himself 3-4 days a week but i come back and nothing is done. I don't know what he eats as old food in the fridge - no fresh milk etc

He is exhausted with work - complex high risk work. He said he's not sure what else he can do.

I've thought about a cleaner but I'm not sure we could afford it but if I do go back to work we'll get a cleaner