to expect ex not to complain to our DC that I ve sued him for child maintenance?

[Kramer97]

DC are early teens. Their dad has paid no child maintenance for 2 years, claiming unemployment. 6 months ago I found out he had a job - and quite a well paid one at that. Asked him about it several times, he refused to admit it. Asked him to resume child maintenance payments (we had court ordered maintenance), he ignored the requests. Eventually I got a solicitor to write to him, which prompted him to apply to the CMS for an assessment.

Managed to get himself assessed at £7 a week, and paid at that rate while he could get away with it. Eventually the CMS got more info and assessed his income as well over £100k. So now the child maintenance aspect is sorted out going forward, but there are several months of arrears which the CMS has no power to collect because those arrears accrued under the court order. I asked ex to pay but he ignored me. So eventually, having exhausted all other options, I issued an application to enforce payment of the arrears.

At the same time as paying no child maintenance for our DC, ex moved to a house that costs him over £30k a year to rent, and sent his other DC to a private school. I have accrued quite a lot of debt while paying for everything for our DC while he paid no maintenance and lied about his job.

Kids are currently with ex H and one of them has texted me that she is very angry with me for taking her dad to court.

Friends had told me that I should tell the kids about the court action before ex-H did. But their childhood has already been ruined by awareness of conflict between me and their dad and I just thought there was no reason to tell them about this. I did not think he would do so either.

AIBU to think that he should not be involving our DC in this stuff? I just can't believe how selfish he is. The worst thing is that they believe the BS he tells them justifying his position and blame me for making his life difficult by expecting him to pay what he is legally obliged to pay. But by explaining my side of the story to them, I just perpetuate the whole thing.

Don't know what to do. Not sure what my AIBU is really. More of a what should I tell my poor kids?

I can imagine what he will have told them and it's all a pack of lies.

I think you have no choice but to tell them now.

Explain that it's not to be vindictive, but that he has a responsibility to provide for his own children and he's not doing it.

Why the fuck should he be sat there on his pedestal while you have struggled?? Imo the dc need to know the real him so as to not use his attitude as a role model for their adulthood. .

My ds saw the light last year and are nc with df. All his own doing. .

Jesus wept he sounds like a prize cock. I'm a stepmum and of my DH behaved like this towards his ex and their children I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship.

100k a year??!! And he's already missed two years??

Stay calm and perhaps wait for your DC to get back before you speak about it. Explain that you didn't want them to know but it is their fathers legal obligation to pay for them both and he has failed to do so.

You sound well shot of him OP!

Just tell them facturlaly.

The court ordered their father should pay [x] towards their upbringing. He has not paid the amounts ordered by the courts. You are going back through the courts to get the money TO LOOK AFTER THEM.

The thing is that, whenever their dad says something to them about me, and I then try to explain my side of the story, at best the DC end up angry and confused saying "now I don't know what to believe". They fundamentally will not ever believe their dad is lying to them. I assume they also don't want to think I am lying (I'm not), but that leaves them stuck just thinking why do they have to think about this at all and why can't their parents just get on?

They ask me all the time not to argue with their dad and tell me how stressful it is for them knowing that there is conflict. As a result, I try not to communicate with him at all unless strictly necessary, and try not to involve the kids in any of it. I can't see a way to get them to really understand that their dad actually is a very unpleasant and selfish individual, without openly speaking ill of him.

WashingMathilda it's actually closer to £150k a year, but I think he has only had this job for a few months. In the previous 18 months or so, I think he had some work here and there but was mostly living of savings (of which he has plenty - but didn't think it necessary to use any towards the daily living costs of his older DC).

It was only once I could prove he had this job, and after he still refused to pay maintenance, that I issued the court thing.

Sit down and tell the, that you are sorry, you have been trying to keep it from them, but their dad doesn't care enough about them to help pay for their upkeep. It's up to them to decide if they still want to see him, knowing this, and you'll support whatever decision they make.

IF and it's a big IF you want to explain to them then: Bank statements, paper work, CMS letters. These are the facts children.
I earn this much your dad earns that much, our house and bills cost this much.
Basic income and expenditure.
Remove the emotion and let them draw their own conclusions.

As I say a lot on MN kids know more than you think. They do not need your emotional justifications but the facts may help them.

Sit down and tell them that you are sorry, you have been trying to keep it from them

This op, tell them that you didn't want to involve them in a matter that is between their parents only.
I would, however, (now that your ex has opened this can of worms himself) show the dc how much it costs to provide for them each month.
Show them that their df has made zero contribution for X amount of time, explain that you have got yourself into debt by covering his fair share and it is no longer sustainable or fair to yourself and the dc for it to continue.

Keep it factual and don't discuss emotions with them.

Something like:
When parents separate it is in law that both parents should provide for their children. Your Dad and I both love you but unfortunately if you look at this letter it shows that the court agree that your dad hadn't been providing for you. I asked him nicely many times and he has still refused to unfortunately I've had to go to court. I know it hurts you when we argue so I have tried very hard to avoid upsetting you. I'm disappointed that your Dad has brought it up this way but hope you can understand that this action is about YOU your futures, not mine

Paperwork and visible proof. .
My ex told my dc so much he crap I had to show them documents etc. .
Remember they are living a lie because of him.

I think if they are old enough I would agree that you need hard facts. the same hard facts you presented to your solicitor or vice versa

a full breakdown of your expenditure, copies of any paperwork.

I know this sounds extreme, but it's just he says - she says at the moment and he's manipulating so he will win.

early teens is an ok age I think.

Your'e not trying to make him out to be a bastard you are just giving them all the facts and they can make their own mind up.