Aibu to ask what to do about separation anxiety in 3yo

[Doublegloucester]

Posted about this in the behaviour topic a while ago but had limited responses so thought I'd try posting here...

Dd (3 1/4) has now been going to nursery 3 days a week for a year and every morning she goes, she bursts into tears when it's time for me to leave. What's finally pushed me to post again is that her friend arrived at the same time this morning, they were happily running around, then we got into her room and she immediately started crying and had to be separated from me by nursery staff - it's like an automatic response to me leaving.

She is happy on the way to nursery, she talks about nursery and all the lovely things she does there, and the staff say she stops crying once I leave. She is cheerful and bouncy when I pick her up and I don't have concerns about her care.

I don't know what to do about mornings though, they're awful. She is fairly extrovert in personality, pretty lively and bouncy, apart from in this situation!
I remember having bad separation anxiety at the age of 4 myself so I wonder if it's genetic and there's not much that can be done?

I keep leavings short and sweet and we have talked about why she's been sad. She just says 'I didn't want mummy to leave'. I remind her that mummy always comes back to pick her up. We maybe have these conversations once a month as I don't want to turn it into a big thing for her.

She takes things she likes to nursery to show to everyone and that worked as a distraction for about a week but no more sadly.

Her granddad died earlier this year, who she used to see with me a couple of days a week. I don't know if this is relevant or not as she was already displaying the behaviour before that and nothing's changed in the behaviour since.

Any practical advice would be very welcome, thanks!

She stops crying as soon as you leave, which is a good sign.

Have you tried a transition toy (that she takes in with her), or an object of yours, e.g. a scarf with your perfume, or something in her pocket.

Do you have to go in? Can you not wave her over the threshold?

Or someone else drop her off for a bit?

Otherwise, as she cheers up as soon as you go, I'd grit your teeth and get on with it. (My DD2 was clingy at drop off on and off until at least y4).

Sounds like you're both doing fine and it's just a habit that will pass rather than genuine separation anxiety or anything more complicated. She sounds happy and well adjusted but it might be worth changing routine to break the cycle as someone said get somebody else to drop her off.

Thanks for the perspectives, glad that this is perhaps more normal than I thought.. .

I never experienced this with my eldest DD, but did with my DS. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I often ended up crying myself on my way to work.

I then noted that although all the care worker were lovely, one was particular harsh and used a ton of voice that was quite unpleasant. I think she took a bit of dislike in my son and I started to wonder if she might have something to do with it when the manager informed me that although my son was only just 3, he was showing signs of being a bit advanced and asked if I'd agree to him moving earlier to the next group (in a different building). I agreed and he never once cried for me after that.

I'm not if it was her, or the fact that he was bored and needed more stimulation with an older crowd, or a bit of both or something else, but I was so massively relieved!

Things that I have found helpful are getting into a routine that the child has some control over. DS2 would wave to me from the same window in nursery every day.

Showing him on a clock where the hands will be when it is time for me to collect him.

Do they have a visual time table in nursery? That has been useful for both of mine as they know what is happening and when, and how many activities it is until home time.

This will pass. You sound like a lovely Mum with a fabulous little girl.