To be upset with my mum

[SearchingForTheSun]

I've been suffering from anxiety for the last year and a half. It seemed to revolve around a fear that I won't be here to see my children grow up and I've basically become a massive hypochondriac as a result. I'm seeking help from the doctors with this.

Anyway, I got really upset last month because it felt like my mum was constantly phoning me telling me someone had died (never anyone I know but people who she has a distant link to). It was really making me feel worse so when she was visiting me one day, I explained this to her. She said she'd try not to do it anymore.

I've been having a rough week or so because TMI WARNING!!! my bowel movements have been yellow in colour. This has happened to me before and was related to my anxiety but I'm not sure if it's the anxiety of not this time and it can be quite a concerning symptom to have. I'm focussing all of my efforts on not letting my mind spiral down it's usual route and go completely out of control thinking I've got something terminal. Then my mum phoned me, telling me that the husband of a distant relative of hers has died (at a young age). The distant relative (his wife) also died at a young age so now their children have no parents.

I live alone with my children so it's not like I have someone else to take my mind off it before I go to bed. I'm literally sat here drowning in my thoughts now. Why can't she just understand how much I'm struggling? I've explained in every way possible

Bump

Anyone?

Your mum was being really tactless.

How did you leave it with her? I'd be tempted to call her today and tell her how upset you've been.

It sounds like she was a bit thoughtless maybe try to avoid calls with her whilst you're feeling like this or say at the start "Mum I hope you're not going to tell me anyone died" just to remind her.

I think you said the Doctor is helping you? That's good. Maybe some counselling would also help.

are you seeing your doctor? This sounds exhausting. I hope you can get some help. Would Cbt help?

Your mum sounds very tactless. Did you tell her how upset she had made you? Can you call her/text her and let her know. I like the suggestion up thread of reminding her each time you speak. Maybe she's just so used to it she needs reprogramming.

Take care

Thank you for replying. Yes, I'm seeing my doctor and exploring various avenues to get myself healthy again. I know it's not my mum's fault that I'm feeling so low but I'm finding it hard to dig my way out with the constancy negativity that comes from her. She is also often not very nice to me. I doubt we'd have a relationship if it wasn't for my dad, who is the most supportive person in my life. I burst out crying a month ago and explained to her that I'm not a strong enough person to deal with all these awful stories she keeps telling me and that it's dragging me down and making me unwell. We talked about it, with my dad also, for a good half hour. Then she phones me telling me that tonight. She just doesn't ever consider my feelings.

*constant

Have you tried CBT? Yanbu with regards to your mum, but your anxiety sounds like it's really bad at the minute. You can, and will, get over this. Push for help though. My sil suffers from anxiety which causes her to worry about her health. A very low dose of an antidepressant has made the world of difference.

Hi Searching
I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I can really relate to your situation. I've been dealing with anxiety for years and when my daughter was small it was through the roof for similar reasons to yours.

I was also on my own and it was a huge responsibility to think that it was all down to me.

I would have another conversation with your mum and maybe like a pp said, remind her at the beginning of each call that you don't want to hear that sort of news.

Would it be worth talking to her about why she feels the need to share this information with you?

Has the GP suggested therapy of any kind? I think that's what started to help me in the end.
And ask the GP about your bowels!

You will just have to put in boundaries with her, but seriously what is wrong with people who are always going on about death and problems or negative stuff? It's like just stop it. Just say that to her: stop it. Enough. Seriously I would.

Pm sent

I understand what you're going through. I'm chronically ill, in a of pain and struggle to look after my dd. The anxiety of talking to and seeing my mother with the awful things she says to me makes me far worse. She is really really really horrible to me. And all she does is bitch about everyone else, complains about her life, her back pain (which plays her up sometimes), the twinges in her hands and her health when in her mid 70's she has far more energy, is in very little pain. I never complain to her. She instantly turns it into all about her in true narcissistic style. I'm now in the process of putting up another boundary as she does like to break them. I'm starting to feel a little more at peace. My dad died a long time ago and I'd like to think he'd be devastated at how she and her precious son treat me.

So what do you want to do and what do you want to say? In your shoes I'd be sending a text telling her you no longer wish to hear these stories and if she does, you will put the phone down. Do you also want a break from her? You're an adult and entitled to that. If you do, tell her you don't want to hear from her for what? 30 days perhaps? Some time to breathe I'd say.

The anxiety you are feeling about death and dying is most likely the anxiety she has transferred onto you so for your own sake, you need a break from her at the very least. I hear you've really basically checked out of the relationship with your mother so do something about it to limit contact with her whilst still being able to maintain one with your father. I am glad you going to counselling. I hope this will help.

Thank you. I feel completely drained right now. Hopefully things will improve soon. Maybe I should distance myself a little from my mum. I don't think she has my best interests at heart.

It is unacceptable for her to push you like this.
Interrupt her every time she starts on about anything morbid.

It won't come easily at first but you need to be firm. If you are sitting down stand up like you mean business.
Is it a landline, put a mirror by the phone, or if you're on your mobile, look into a mirror.
Look directly at yourself - you can do this.

"Mum I don't want to hear about that kind of thing".
If she persists, "Mum I need to go now, bye now" and hang up.

Thank you donkeys, good advice that I will take on board.