AIBU to worry that I could have prevented this situation?

[Mustardnowletsnotbesilly]

I should prefix this by saying I am very very pregnant and hormonal, but I feel so guilty and am unsure if I am just being wet and stuff like this happens all the time. I ask MN to advise me and tell me I am being ridiculous to worry about it if I am.

Today DS and I went to a farm and DS (1yrs old) was splashing about in a water trough with a waterwheel you can wind up and water gushes forth. There was another boy that came over and tried to shoo DS away. The boy I subsequently found out was 5. I walked a bit closer (I was pretty close anyway) and the boy stopped and DS continued splashing happily.

Then the 5 year old started turning the water handle and DS began washing his hand in the water. This seemed fine then DS touched the water wheel and the 5 year old gave out an annoyed grunt and pushed the water wheel down suddenly really fast to knock DS off it, DS lost his footing because of the sudden movement and bashed his face on the trough.

I said something like "Er excuse me, no!" and picked up DS who was screaming.

The boy's Dad came over and asked what had happened. I said "He moved the waterwheel deliberately so that my son bashed his face." - Or something like that. - I wasn't shouting or threatening or anything, although must have seemed annoyed.

The father explained to his son that what he had done wasn't okay and he needed to apologise. At this point DS was recovering and it was obvious that no real damage was done.

The boy didn't apologise and started to tell his Dad he was scared. I then said "Don't be scared DS is just very little thats all, he is big for his age but only 1." The Dad then said "See X he is 4 years younger than you, you can't bully little kids." It was obvious the boy was too distressed to apologise and I wasn't demanding one so I said something about it not mattering and the Dad took the boy to play somewhere else.

DS is my first, does this type of thing happen a lot? Was what I said okay? Am I a massive twat for not moving DS when the boy first shooed him? I had forgotten about it til bath time when I noticed DS has a bruise on his chin bless him.

I don't like to think of DS being hurt by other children, although he is a tank (above the 98th) really so maybe not much to worry about there. It was just a bit unexpected of this 5 year old (although obviously I know nothing about him so am not judging him.) I later saw him shoving someone else, so it wasn't just my DS annoying him.

Do all kids do that at some point? If I saw DS at 5 deliberately hurting/being mean to a 1 year old we would be apologising and off home I think.

Anyway my AIBU is that I feel so guilty that I should have just moved DS at the first sign of shooing or is this all normal and I just need to stop worrying/being a nob. Cheers.

I think you did the right thing and so did the dad by taking him away. I don't think you should have moved ds as he had just as much right to be there maybe more if he was already there. If it's not something that 2 kids can play with together I would have told my son that it would the other boy's turn in a minute.

Sounds fine to me, but then I am very happy to ask other people's children to behave.
Sounds like the dad did a great job too. You can't expect to always get a parent who supports you though - you might get the how dare you speak to my child type - which is a bit more intimidating.

Thank you for your responses! I'm a long in the tooth A&E nurse so intimidating adults aren't a problem, my bread and butter. But children's disputes are new to me. Are older kids often nasty to little ones? Maybe I'm just really naive.

It sounds like you had a very reasonable exchange with another reasonable parent. Next time fully expect shitty kids to come with shitty parents!

And no, not all children do this.

Don't feel bad, what you said was fine. It's not OK to ignore behaviour like that.

Often, but not always. Not even mostly. But, yes, there are some bullish children out there who haven't been taught how to be nice and considerate. Prepare to teach your children how to say 'NO' in loud and assertive voices!

I think childrnebin general are quite selfish, and just want their own way, and often don't realise the consequences of their actions. You did the right thing, and it will happen again and again. A friends little boys was repeatedly horrible to my youngest, parents didn't really say anything so I used to tell him off, we dont see them anymore.

I don't think they're deliberately nasty to very young kids, but 5 year-olds just have no sense. They don't understand what's dangerous for smaller kids and their self control still isn't great. Mine adores his baby sister but I still have to keep a close eye on them because he just doesn't quite get it. Today he took something out of her hand, which she shouldn't have had, but he didn't realise that if he pulled it out of her hand and she tried to hold on she wouldn't have enough balance to stay sitting up!

Thanks everyone. Feeling a lot better!

I think that's a massive generalisation Soloman.

I have seen plenty 5yo deliberately hurting a smaller child. Or at the very least unintentionally hurting them and not being remotely sorry.

Both of my DCs at 5yo were perfectly capable of knowing how not to hurt toddlers in a playground. Accidents may have happened which they then felt sorry for but they didn't go around deliberating snatching or pushing like some children do.

A lot of 5 year olds don't really care if they hurt another child! They might be upset that you're upset with them... but not giving much of a shit about anyone other than themselves isn't psychopath behaviour at that age ;-)

Sounds like the dad was really reasonable.

I think you handled it fine. I can remember when my eldest was 1 and looking at a two year at his daycare and thinking he looked a bit of a thug

I think it is natural to feel very defensive when they are small.

I'll start this by saying I don't have kids, but I'm the eldest of four and have nephews and nieces, so used to little ones.

I think you handled it perfectly. Just think of five year olds as little drunk people. Some are happy and friendly. Some are shouty and aggressive. Logic is rarely applied and at some point, there's likely to be vomit/blood/tears and demands for kebabs ice cream.

I would say that most 5 year olds can understand it would cause others pain and can empathise and know it is wrong. But they have also not known it long so if they are tired/cranky/overexcited etc they can easily forget it or be mean.

A four year old girl spat in my then one year old daughter's face at soft play. I'm still sad and furious about it and it probably happened about a year ago now.

I think you both handled it fine. When you only have one little one it's hard to predict the behaviour of older ones. I remember being at playgroup and there was an almighty row because the mother of a baby just walking, let him waddle over to the train set and sit right in the middle, and was furious when the kids already playing with the train set, kicked off. She was all "they should know better." The eldest was no more than 4.

Anyway, hope he's ok.

Really missaligned? I'd say it's quite unusual for a 5 year-old to deliberately hurt a 1 year-old. Hurt each other much more frequently, yes! I had a group of 5 & 6 year-olds round yesterday, with a 2 year-old and my baby. There was no deliberate hurting of the 2 year-old, but he did cry when he joined in a water throwing game and got wet!

I agree, adding the word 'deliberately' was not necessary. You don't know if it was deliberate, nor did the dad. Deliberate doesn't mean much at the time as kids react on instinct. So do you call 'meant to do it' deliberate, or does it involve a thought process?

I was absolutely horrified when nursery informed me, on the side, in a very hush hush manner that DS who was 3 or just 4 had scratched a girl. They wouldn't tell me who but as soon as I asked DS, he told me right away as he was clearly very upset with himself. I told him off, punished him and next time I saw the dad (a teacher!), I made him apologise to him and the girl. Thankfully, the dad's reaction was great, he smiled, said thank you for apologising and then to me said it was no big deal.

I think I said deliberately to imply that it hadn't been an accident, there was the intention there to knock my son off the water wheel, which there was. But to be honest it was all so quick and DS was crying so I i'm not sure of my thought process other than I wanted to communicate some fault on the 5 yr olds part. Thanks so much for your comments, feeling less worried about it all today.
Tootsie - Thats awful!

Jumping Yes I wouldn't be like that, I would have removed DS in that situation, but in this one he wasn't doing anything naughty.