To think life should cut me some slack

[Sosks]

AIBU probably isn't the place for this, but have de-lurked because I really just need some support please...

These last 18 months have single-handedly almost destroyed me. I was in my last semester of university (stressful enough on its own) whilst in an emotionally abusive relationship, once that ended I was suckered in my ex's large - and more emotionally abusive - group of friends who very briefly led me down a path of drugs and severe depression before casting me out (for their own enjoyment) and in the process losing me the rest of my (life long) friends and leaving me suicidal and on a high dose of antidepressants, another emotionally manipulative former friend appears on the scene and almost gets me evicted, 3 of my family members pass away in close succession.

Then I got together with OH and it seemed like things were looking up, I get pregnant very quickly but we're both over the moon, and then are devastated to find abnormalities at the 12 week scan. We've been at the hospital at least every 2 weeks since, our little boy has severe CDH plus other abnormalities and now isn't expected to survive. I'm now 35 weeks and I should be counting down the days until we have our boy here, but I don't want to because it feels like counting the days until we lose him. Sometimes I can't sleep because I don't want to miss his kicks.

My mum is the only real support I have because my younger sister doesn't want to hear about the issues with my pg, and I've gone NC with my also emotionally manipulative dad. OH also got a new job and almost lost it yesterday because he's been working so hard he's been physically unwell. He could barely walk for days so I've been looking after him as well. OH also has a history of depression and has attempted suicide in the past (years ago now) but I'm worried if we lose our son what it might do to him, he only lost his mother last year. I can't lose him as well.

I'm unable to take any antidepressants because I don't want to risk creating more problems for our son on the off chance he will make it. I do have a counsellor but it only really helps on the days that I go, in between I just feel awful again. I'm just at a loss of what to do now.

AIBU to think life should go fuck someone else up for once? Preferably someone horrible...just feel like I'm at the end of my tether here, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.

Hugs! You have been through so much and you've got some difficult but also wonderful times ahead. Do you have friends or family who you can talk to? It sounds like you are looking after your oh but are there people looking after you?

Thanks joopy, I really just have my mum. It's better than nothing of course, but she has her own life too so she can't always be there I think I'm feeling it more now because I'm off on maternity and OH works late, so it's just me in the house.

Op.... I was a teen parent to DS and was in a very physical abusive relationship with DS dad. I was getting battered everyday, it was horrendous... facing judgement from strangers due to my age, Social services, family break downs. It was the worst... on top of all that ! DS had all these difficulties later diagnosed as having severe language difficulties, Autism ... well social communication disorder. I was down, I was depressed, I was living but I wasn't living... ifyswim.

The thing is OP, the "beauty" of life is that things happen unexpectedly....illness, death of a loved one... children having a disability/ becoming ill, depression, losing your job. The list is endless. You have been through so much as it is and I sincerely hope you get there. But, as harsh as this sounds, you need to take responsibility of your life, as do I and anyone who feels sort of stuck ( if that's a better word). You have to accept your situation and make the best out of it. For me, that was the only way. Being down, depressed, shouting to the universe and asking " Why the fuck me ???!!!!!". Wasn't going to help... if anything it just prolonged my sadness. I wanted to enjoy my life and being in that state didn't help me enjoy life.

I talked to other parents who were going through a similar predicament to me. I researched as much as I could in DS conditions and made sure he had lots of access to help as he goes through his education. I let go all the anger to whoever did me wrong and I will say this little mantra to myself... " It is what it is, whatever comes my way... good or bad... I can handle it...".

You will get there

notgivingin your username is very appropriate!! Thank you though I don't think you're being harsh at all, it's really hard because I have been doing my best to make the best out of everything, it just feels a bit like the straw that broke the camels back sometimes?

I've managed to spend most of the pregnancy doing okay, because both me and OH agreed that if that is the only time we have then we need to enjoy it as much as we can. I've just had too much time alone lately, and that gives me too much time to overthink things. I've researched all of our babies conditions until there's nothing more I could possibly learn, but it's now just a waiting game to go into labour and see if he even survives.

Almost anything else in my life has some kind of solution, like if I really wanted to I know could push myself and go out to make friends, but this is the one thing that's out of my hands completely and that's what's making it so hard I hope I do get to the point you're at again one day, maybe my bad luck can shift to your ex instead!!

((((Sosks))))
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and that the last 14 months have been so bad. I also wanted to say I am inspired by your courage in managing to deal with so many issues, particularly getting yourself out of abusive relationships. If you need support with the aftermath of that you might want to post separately as I'm sure there are MNetters who can talk to you.

I don't have personal experience of what you are going through but I did find the following charity and wondered if it might help a little to talk to someone there
www.cdhuk.org.uk/index.html

OP This may sound cliche. But through my "journey" ( when DS was diagnosed) I've come across so many people I didn't think I would. When I opened up to people about my fears regarding DS as it happens they too were going through the same thing and I didn't feel so alone.

There must be some sort of groups of pregnant women who are in the same position as you or have been ! Please check them out as they would be really useful. You just need to push yourself and you can do it

Sorry, just seen your update so I'm sure you will have seen the website. Just from reading MN I know that the emotions you feel at the moment will relate to your personal circumstances including no anti depressants but also to the changes (such as hormones) that come with pregnancy so try to be gentle on yourself.

I'm sure you and OH want to and will support each other. Each of you will also need help from outside such as the hospital, health visitor GP. It is really hard but try to deal with your current issues rather than the myriad of what-ifs. I know that is easier said than done. At the right time so will find MNetters with experience of a huge range of things to talk to.

• One other thing ! Enjoy your new baby's DD or DS. For some parents whose child/ren have been newly diagnosed and we are going through that grieving stage, we, understandably, forget to enjoy our DC's. So show he/she the world, holidays, trips out, enjoy him/her as much as you can !

notgivingin My younger brother has autism as well actually, and my mum said much the same as you have! My brother is 22 this year and she's still in touch with many of the friends she made over the years having that experience already, it's not the potential disabilities DS could have if he makes it, it is just if he makes it at all. He's my first child and first pregnancy so it's quite a scary time.

I have joined a lot of Facebook groups, and talked to others but unfortunately, it is one of those things that is largely unpredictable. There are babies with CDH that were a sure shot to be okay and didn't make it, and others that pulled through but weren't expected to. It's just the wait that is killing me not knowing whether I'll be announcing the birth or death of my child is a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

SingaSong I indeed have seen the CDH Uk charity, I've joined their Facebook group and page as well but thank you for sharing it anyways, and thank you for being so kind. A few people have said I'm brave but I certainly don't feel it, being honest I am utterly terrified I've been trying to deal with the current (solvable) problems we have and have been making a little progress, just feels like once one is done, another appears! I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I just feel completely down trodden by life, it is definitely one of those cliche 'why me' feelings. Must have been quite the baddie in a past life eh!