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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to meet ex's girlfriend and children?

22 replies

tessdougall · 01/08/2017 18:23

My ex left the family home two years ago and we had a messy divorce but it finally got sorted last year. We have two sons, they're now 18 and 21, awesome young men, but they don't see much of their dad - just the occasional pizza together.

I have left it up to my ex and the boys to arrange their stuff but there seems to be a growing distance, so a couple of weeks ago I suggested to the ex he come round for a barbecue. He seemed keen on the idea initially, but then excuses were made (he was busy, there was stuff he had to do with his girlfriend's family). He then suggested a breakfast together at the weekend - better than nothing I thought, and a change from pizza for my sons. But then it turned out that he was bringing the girlfriend and her son too.

Am I being weird because I have no desire to meet his girlfriend and her children? My ex started seeing her before we broke up, and although I don't blame her for the breakup of my marriage (we had been having problems for years), it was finding him texting her that made me start the divorce.

I have never had any contact with this girlfriend. And don't see any point sitting down and having a meal with her. But I feel bad for my sons that they see so little of their dad.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 01/08/2017 18:26

If The children where younger I would habe probably done it in order to help things for the children. But at the age of your children unless they have specifically asked you too meet them I wouldn't want too.

Basically take the lead from your sons!

AudacityJones · 01/08/2017 18:26

I don't think YABU at all. Mighty cheeky of him. If he wants to sort out his relationship with his adult son's let him do it on his own time!

Aquathest · 01/08/2017 18:34

YANBU

This is time organised for your XH to spend quality with your DC (at your house?) His GF and her DS should not be attending unless 1) your DC want to meet them
2) you want them in your home

Just out of curiosity- do you expect to have to continue to organise your DC and XHs contact after this breakfast?

mrscropley · 01/08/2017 18:40

At the age of your ds I don't get why you feel the need to facilitate contact t and put yourself through seeing either ex his gf?

eggsandwich · 01/08/2017 18:43

I would say at the age of 18 and 21 you shouldn't be facilitating these meet ups with your ex, these are young men now who are more than capable of initiating contact with there father if they so wish.

Step away.

ProudBadMum · 01/08/2017 18:45

You don't need to sort contact out. Your boys are men.

Can't they go for a pint or something.

Migraleve · 01/08/2017 18:51

I dont think YABU by not wanting her there, however I do think YABU in that you are going to be there.

Original poster

tessdougall · 01/08/2017 18:54

My ex was always a lazy sob and I was the organiser in our family. , He now seems to be very busy doing stuff with his new family and I feel bad for ds, not having a dad around. And no, aquathest, I was just thinking about doing occasional meet ups like a barbecue to facilitate contact.

But you're right mrscropley, I don't want to put myself through seeing my ex with girlfriend. But both ds going to university and I am still hoping ex will give them financial support - at the mo, it's all coming out of my pocket.

OP posts:

TheWitchAndTrevor · 01/08/2017 19:00

Well I suppose it depends on if You had explained it to him that it was about him having time with his adult dc. Then YANBU

If you just invited him over for a get together bbq I can see why they assumed girlfriend and dc would be going, also maybe the girl friend felt weird about meeting you and being in your home, so tgey stalled and rearranged for a more neural place and time? If you haven't specified what it was about, then YABU

indigox · 01/08/2017 19:05

YANBU to not want to meet his gf, but your level of interference in the relationship between your sons and their dad is U. They're all adults.

elevenclips · 01/08/2017 19:13

No I'd not attend that. Children are adults. Seeing the catalyst for your divorce is shit.

You tried to facilitate contact between dad and kids and the girlfriend likely interpreted this as a threat to her (because she knows her man is a cheat!). She probably thought you and him would reminisce and have sex or something.

I would reply to him, that doesn't work for me but have a nice time. Leave it at that, I wouldn't get into discussions.

He sounds like an utterly spineless twat, he was offered a BBQ with his kids and instead of thinking, that's great and takes priority he is "busy" my arse. His gf didn't like the sound of it.

ProudBadMum · 01/08/2017 19:17

I would rather watch Peter Andre dressed in nothing but a mankind while singing Mysterious Girl on loop than have my ex in the same postcode as me never mind house..

My son is 7.

Don't do it. The boys are old enough to sort it. He is lazy and the boys realise hence why they aren't arsed

ElspethFlashman · 01/08/2017 19:20

This is nuts. Their relationship with their Dad may be all downhill from now on, but that's their lives.

And he is highly unlikely to cough up for university fees based on one breakfast tbh.

waterrat · 01/08/2017 19:23

Hmm i think OP that his long term partner might feel weird being excluded from a bbq style get together. I understand why its not appealing but maybe worth trying once if the relationship for your sons sake is important to you?

Original poster

tessdougall · 01/08/2017 19:51

Having the ex around for a barbecue and beer would be ok, but I can't face opening my house to the girlfriend (although I know she is very familiar with it already). I wish I could be friendly and open my doors to ex and his recently acquired family but ProudBadMum's comment is spot on. I just can't do it.

OP posts:

ProudBadMum · 01/08/2017 19:56

Don't do it. Don't even have the ex round. It's not your job to sort contact out.

Migraleve · 01/08/2017 20:08

But why do YOU need to be at a BBQ with your EX?

MistressDeeCee · 01/08/2017 21:00

Why do you have to be present for the BBQ? Your sons are men - they can handle things whilst you go out for the day. You don't need to be in the house at all. In your shoes I wouldn't have invited ex round anyway. & if you are going to now tell him you don't want his gf and children to visit with him they you are going to appear beyond unreasonable. Which would be the case, actually. Can understand why you want them to be closer and want there to be bonding time without "other family" present but this is 3 adults they will sort out as they see fit. Or not as the case may be but over-involvement on your part isn't going to help. Leave them to get on with it, and they will in their own way

VladmirsPoutine · 01/08/2017 21:06

Don't do it. The boys are old enough to sort it. He is lazy and the boys realise hence why they aren't arsed

This sums it up neatly.

Boredwithmyname · 01/08/2017 21:08

Where is the breakfast supposed to be? If in a restaurant/cafe then job done - you have facilitated him seeing your sons which is what you wanted and there is no reason for you to have to be there

OrphanAccount · 01/08/2017 21:10

God, don't do it. Why put yourself through that? Your sons are young men and more than capable of sorting out contact as it suits them. I understand the money issue, but honestly if he was in any way decent then he'd be contributing already. Since he isn't then I can't see a painful 'family' BBQ changing his mind.

ProphetOfDoom · 01/08/2017 21:13

Just send the boys. Get them to ask Dad about supporting them at uni.

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