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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party woes

16 replies

thedcbrokemybank · 01/08/2017 11:43

My dd is 9 and goes to a very small school. Last year a girl in her class had a party to which she wasn't invited. None of the other girls at school were but dd's best friend (who is friends with this girl outside of school having previously been at the school) was invited. The party was at a venue with limited numbers and I explained that just because dd was friends in school it didn't mean that she would be invited etc as they weren't close friends. The friend's mother made a pointed comment about how she went with her daughters wishes and she didn't think it necessary to invite kids for the sake of it. Fine.
Fast forward a year and whilst dd and this girl are not great friends they hang around at school for lack of other friendships. This girl is again having a party. This time it is a sleepover at her house, no other girls from school. According to dd this girl had invited her at school, to the extent of scribbling out details on someone else's invitation (a different child's party) and writing the details of her own party. However dd's best friend has been invited and received a formal invitation so I know that dd is not really invited. Dd and her bf are doing a camp together this week so she will see her directly after the party and I will have to explain to her that she wasn't really invited. I know she feels very hurt by this.
WIBU to text the other girls mother and say "I am just confirming that the adhoc invitation dd received was not really an invite to the party. I have explained this to her but said I would confirm as she has been so excited"
I know it is petty but I want this woman to know that whilst it is fine for her dd not to invite mine she needs to explain to her that it is not fair to to this.
AIBU?

OP posts:
acquiescence · 01/08/2017 11:46

Fine to check but what you are planning to write sounds aggressive.
Say something like 'my dd has got a handwritten note from your dd inviting her for a sleepover, can I check whether this is happening?'
It's then up to the mum how to explain it. She doesn't know you know there were formal invitations.

HipsterHunter · 01/08/2017 11:47

The way @acquiescence has put it is better

user1493413286 · 01/08/2017 11:52

I agree with above as the Mum will then talk to her daughter about the ad hoc invite and they might decide to properly invite your daughter or stop similar situation happening again. If you send a spiky message you'll become the bad guy (even though you've done nothing wrong)

SilverBirchTree · 01/08/2017 11:55

Yeah it's unfortunate but it's not your job to educate this woman or her daughter about manners.

Just text her what @acquiescence said and save the passive aggression for an issue that matters.

BrieAndChilli · 01/08/2017 12:00

I would just say as previously suggested.
DS1 age 10 came home from school one day and said he had been invited to Xs party - the next day!!! No written invite so I texted the mum and just said ' hi, DS has come home and said he's invited to Xs party tomorrow, just thought I'd check with you if this is the case or if it's crossed wires!'
Turned out X had decided to throw a party and invited some of the boys. The mum didn't know anything about it until X came home and told her all about it!! She did actually go ahead with the party!!!

cariadlet · 01/08/2017 12:18

I don't understand why you think that it's unfair for your daughter not to have been invited to this party. It's rude and hurtful when all boys/girls in a class have been invited bar one child who has been deliberately excluded. But in this case none of the other girls in the school has been invited either.

It's a bit disappointing for your dd, but I don't think that you have anything to complain about.

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 01/08/2017 12:22

I don't feel it's unfair for my dd not to have been invited. I do feel it is unfair that that this "friend" made my dd think she was invited when actually she wasn't.

OP posts:
Wafflingwell · 01/08/2017 12:30

TBH, I think you would be very unreasonable if you wrote that. It's understandable you're hurt on behalf of your dd, but you need to step back and ignore. Don't get involved in the pettiness. Anyway, it may be that the mother doesn't think it's a good idea to invite one child from school, in case it upsets the other school friends. Even if her motives are less kind, it is up to her and her child who they invite. You've already said that you know you're dd isn't really invited, so I would, in this instance, instead of stirring the pot, help your child to manage her disappointment. There will be lots of instances like this in your child's life (and hopefully lots of other parties too!). You win some, you lose some. It's a good opportunity for a lesson in resilience and cheerfulness in the face of disappointment.

Wafflingwell · 01/08/2017 12:34

It's not really fair to blame the other child though. At 9 yrs, she is not ultimately in control of who is invited, and her mother may have adopted a no school friends policy to keep things simple and her dd may not fulky understand why.

Wafflingwell · 01/08/2017 12:35

Fully not fulky! Of course the other child may have just been being mean but it doesn't sound like it.

cariadlet · 01/08/2017 12:47

I do feel it is unfair that that this "friend" made my dd think she was invited when actually she wasn't.

I don't think that you can really use the word unfair to describe the friend's actions.
The other girl is only 9. They seem quite grown-up at this age, but are still quite impulsive and don't think things through. It sounds like no official invites were given at the school, your girl and her friend were chatting or playing together and - on a whim - the friend invited your daughter to the party.

I'm sure that she meant it at the time. But her mum didn't know anything about it and it wasn't an official invitation

I think that Wafflingwell's advice about helping your daughter to handle her disappointment is spot on.

Original poster
thedcbrokemybank · 01/08/2017 12:53

Waffling I think you are right and I am best not doing anything. I don't think this is anything to do with the daughter. There is a slight history with this woman and I think this stems from her. She is not a very nice person.

OP posts:
Wafflingwell · 01/08/2017 13:16

There's always one sadly op! My dd is older than yours and has been through some similar situations. It's not easy but better to ignore and be the better person! Cake

Wafflingwell · 01/08/2017 13:18

Forgot to say, hope your dd is not too disappointed.

mikeyssister · 01/08/2017 13:35

I would send acquiescence's text. The party girl may have said "bank's daughter doesn't need an invite, I already gave her one" - HopefullySad

SilverBirchTree · 01/08/2017 14:28

The party girl is only 9, don't be too hard on her.

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