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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my FIL should use the doorbell?

61 replies

Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 07:32

We live very near my DH's parents. They are lovely people but seem to not want to use the front doorbell when they call round. Instead they'll either just appear at the back door at all times of day or night or, like my FIL did this morning at 7:15am, come in through the integral garage and through the internal door, shouting "hello!". Is it unreasonable to expect them to use the front doorbell like everyone else? I can't wander around in my undies in my own house!!

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 01/08/2017 07:59

Do they see 'Your' house as an extension of their own

Do stuff without asking you first ?

LadyRoughDiamond · 01/08/2017 08:02

Oh i know Stiffanky, unfortunately in the grand scheme of things, this is one of the least bonkers things my in-laws have done! I could write a book...

Original poster
Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 08:02

Maddhugger.... No, not really. They would help us out with stuff if we asked (like washing etc) but I never do as I'd prefer to do my own. My husband would have them doing loads more for us but I'd rather be independent and do my own stuff. They will find any excuse to pop round... generally to see DC and if they've had an argument.

OP posts:
vikingprincess81 · 01/08/2017 08:05

Record screech there -
'If they've had an argument? '
Errr and you're ok with this?
How often we talking here?

TheMaddHugger · 01/08/2017 08:06

OK, that's encouraging.

((((((Hugs)))) I know it's annoying

yellowbirdie · 01/08/2017 08:07

Change the locks OP Grin

Someone just letting themselves in would make me jump out of my skin. Our neighbour use to look through our front window before she knocked on the door - I found it a huge invasion of my privacy and bloody rude. Worst of all I had no chance to ready myself for the on coming smugness. I made it clear that was not on and she hasn't done it again - and she doesn't call over nearly so often. Result.

Firm words needed OP. Good luck.

Penfold007 · 01/08/2017 08:08

Stiffanky you've just answered your own post. They are not letting themselves into the homes on their son's wife but into their son's house . It's a territory and respect thing.

Original poster
Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 08:09

Viking.... no! I'm not ok with it! But I don't always find out that they're not talking until a few days later... and then it explains the sudden appearances at 8:30pm at the back door! They are really very lovely people, just sometimes overstep the mark sometimes! Did I tell you about the time they turned up at our first scan as "a surprise"!!???!!!!

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/08/2017 08:16

They are being expected to do far too much- they mow your lawn, do "some washing", look after your child and your H would like them to do more? Your H is taking the piss!

I agree though that they shouldn't be letting themselves in, but you both need to stop letting them do all that stuff!

ConstanceCraving · 01/08/2017 08:23

If you've never put them straight how on earth are they supposed to know you don't like it?

Original poster
Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 08:24

Ifyougodown...., they are categorically not "expected" to do anything. They do not do any washing for us... they've done the occasional load about 2 years ago when my husband asked them without my knowing. But I wasn't comfortable with it and put a stop to it. We do not want FIL to mow the lawn.... he just does it. We have a gardener that does it every other week anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 08:24

Constance... if you read the thread you will see that we have told them

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 01/08/2017 08:36

I have rtt. I'm just flummoxed to why you haven't said anything before.

N0tNowBernard · 01/08/2017 08:42

7:15am is too early for a visit and a cuppa too! Most people are busy in the mornings, showering, having breakfast and getting ready for the day. Surely they know it's not convenient?

I do sympathise though OP as we have similar (although ILs don't have a key) but SIL especially likes to turn up at random times unannounced and it's very wearing sometimes. For all of the people saying "just tell them" believe me it really doesn't work with some people! I've told mine so many times to call first as it might not be convenient and sometimes they do but not always!

The worst is the phone call whilst they are on the driveway! "Are you in?...good, I'm on the drive I'll come in for a cuppa"

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/08/2017 08:43

YANBU. I would be putting a stop to that straight away. I'd actually make moving a priority simply because I wouldn't want anyone harassing me like that, even if they were using the doorbell.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/08/2017 08:44

"They would help us out with stuff if we asked (like washing etc) but I never do as I'd prefer to do my own. My husband would have them doing loads more for us but I'd rather be independent"

Then why did you post that ^^^

Your H does expect them to do stuff!!

MissAlligned · 01/08/2017 08:51

I'm thinking maybe I should get up in case someone pops round.

N0tNowBernard · 01/08/2017 08:52

Missaligned Ha!

Original poster
Stiffanky · 01/08/2017 08:55

Ifyougodown.... because someone asked (I think) if they make themselves at home in our house and help themselves to things. I think I was trying to say that they would help if we asked but wouldn't just help tidy up (even if they've made the mess) unless we specifically asked them to.

OP posts:
allaboutthatsass · 01/08/2017 09:04

Sounds like my FIL

DH says as they're family our house is theirs etc

I hate it

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/08/2017 09:06

Ok, well we did have similar issues as you. We lived near each there and our PIL just used to walk in at any time. We even put gravel on all the oaths around the house, so we could hear them Grin, after they appeared at our sitting room window, one evening..... If he'd appeared about a minute later, he would have got an eye full.

We asked them to stop, as they'd appear just before DC were going to bed, wind them up, then leave, but his mum went mad and said she could visit her grandchildren whenever she likedHmm

The next day we looked for new jobs and within 3 months had moved area, jobs and house. It's the only way sometimes and we've never regretted it. Some people just don't have boundaries and we knew it would only get worse as the DC got older.

QuercusQuercus · 01/08/2017 09:07

My father arrives at our house and just starts rattling the door handles without ringing the bell. He'll only ring the bell if he can't get in first. Once he turned up at 7 fucking a.m. while I was standing in the kitchen with my top half off and a breast pump on one boob. Hmm

Luckily he lives a very long way away so it doesn't happen a lot, and there's no reason for him to have keys.

QuercusQuercus · 01/08/2017 09:10

So YANBU. Clear and polite chat about ringing the bell followed by bolt on door would be my choice of action.

Fluffyears · 01/08/2017 09:10

Your house is most certainly not theirs. They are your husbands family But he has t respect that your joint home is your soaceas well.

justkeepswimmingg · 01/08/2017 09:12

Put your own key in the door, to prevent it being unlocked from the other side? If you don't mind them having keys, but they aren't respecting your wishes to not left themselves in at unreasonable hours, then this may be your only option. They will have to ring the doorbell if they can't let themselves in. Take the keys out of the lock when your happy for visitors, but tell them they still need to announce themselves.
I like my own space, and would feel very uncomfortable with a family member (or anyone) having free access to my home. I'd personally take the keys away, and only return them as and when FIL needed them.

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