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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and selfish

25 replies

user1989 · 31/07/2017 21:56

I don't have anyone in realise to talk to and I really need to ask advice please. I have found out that I am pregnant, Im on the pill but I've got a positive pregnancy test result. I have only been with the babys dad for 2 months and I already have a 9 year old daughter from a one night stand. I want to keep the baby but I've told the baby's dad and he doesn't want to know. I am really worried about telling people as I received a lot of negative judgement when I had my daughter and I always wanted to be in a stable relationship if I had any more children. My daughter sees her dad and me and her dad are friends. I will look like a bad mum and selfish for the baby having no father around and being a single parent to two children and completely irresponsible and a bad mum. I wanted to ask what you would do in my situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1989 · 31/07/2017 22:25

Bump

OP posts:

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 31/07/2017 22:28

It doesn't matter what other people think.

What do you want? What's right for you and your daughter? What other people think really really shouldn't make any difference to you and what you decide to do.

I know what I'd do-but that's based on what would be right for me, so it's irrelevant.

Good luck whatever you decide-I bet you're a fabulous Mum fwiw.

Booboobooboo84 · 31/07/2017 22:29

I would consider if it was best for me and my family (meaning you and your daughter) to keep the baby and go from there. Bollucks to what anyone else thinks of you and your decisions x

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 31/07/2017 22:34

Anyone judging you is horribly niave. Our mistakes do not define us, how we handle them does. (no that your DC have been mistakes!).

OP, be strong and don't listen to anyone's idiot who dares to judge you and your life choices.

Phoenix76 · 31/07/2017 22:55

I agree with all pp. This is about you and what you want. People have opinions on everything, the clothes we wear, our dress size, the car we drive, the house we live in and on and on and on and you know what, they don't matter, they really don't, not one bit! Also agree you sound like a fantastic mum, you know best.

Original poster

user1989 · 31/07/2017 22:59

I'm dreading telling my parents as they were very embarrassed with my daughter. She is 9 now and is very happy and I always try my best for my daughter and would hate anyone to think I'm a bad mum.

OP posts:

Phoenix76 · 31/07/2017 23:03

I'm sure your parents are proud of you now. You've proved you can do it and being a single parent is absolutely not something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. You only get one life, live it for you.

Birdsgottaf1y · 31/07/2017 23:18

I agree with what pp about it being your choice and to ignore the opinions of others.

You are nine years older than when you had your DD, that makes a big difference. people are very harsh on younger Women who get pregnant.

Anyone who thinks that you should automatically get rid of a baby because the Father wants nothing to do with the child, has a fucked upway of thinking.

It is about how you feel about having another child and how that will impact on you and your DD.

Mysteriouscurle · 31/07/2017 23:46

I dont understand why you keeping the baby and doing your best makes you a bad mum when a dad who doesnt want to know gets no judgement at all. Id say theres one shit parent but it isnt you

itsmetree · 01/08/2017 00:08

YANBU or stupid. It's your life, and your body. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Good luck to you. Xx

Original poster

user1989 · 01/08/2017 00:09

They strictly believe in marriage or long term relationship to have a baby, I feel like I'm a bad mum because it will look like I'm irresponsible being a single mum and not knowing the baby's father for long my family will be really upset. I am worried about the baby being upset when they are older not having a father. My family are still embarrassed about me even now. Having my daughter has been the best thing to ever happen to me and the baby would be very much loved.

OP posts:

MargaretTwatyer · 01/08/2017 00:35

You don't have to even tell people it was an accident or the Dad didn't want to know. Lots of women plan single motherhood now (e.g. Sperm donation). If it makes you feel better just tell everybody you decided you wanted DD to have a sibling (e.g. for family after you pass) and you went ahead and made the necessary arrangements and this is all planned.

x2boys · 01/08/2017 00:55

These things happen if you really want the baby go for it the dad may or may not come around but so what your first child has a relationship with their dad even though it wasent a stable relationship with you two this might happen with your second child if you choose to continue with the pregnancy if it doesn't i,m sure it will have a fabulous mum.

x2boys · 01/08/2017 00:59

Op sorry if this is insensitive but is your family from a a culture where children outside of marriage is frowned upon?

MommaGee · 01/08/2017 01:02

Is OT oossoble he'll change his mind once baby is here and be a father to the baby?

DodgyGround · 01/08/2017 01:13

No yanbu, and no you are not being selfish to have your baby, with or without a man.

Just because your hope for the future has turned out differently again, doesn't mean you won't have a wonderful child like your first experience.

If I knew you in real life I would have deep respect for you keeping the child you want to have, even if you have (understandable) fears about it. In some ways, I would have thought it would be easier for you to do it all again, knowing you survived the first time round?

Once people who know you (like parents) see your little baby they will be drawn to the life in your arms more than thinking about how the life came to be.

My Mum was silent when I announced my pregnancy, because I wasn't married. But she now dotes on her grandchild and it just isn't an issue at all. It never comes up in conversation and she would be gutted to be without him. I think people will be the same for you too. But even if they're not, it's their problem, it's their selfishness and poor judgement, not yours.

Have your little baby and hold your head up with pride.

gruuumbleweec · 01/08/2017 08:10

You are not a bad mum or a bad person. You are judging yourself based on other people's perception of good and bad. Maybe you could Seek counselling to help you make a decision. It seems that you really want this baby, that you and your DD will love it. That should be enough, but the pressure from others is making you doubt that it is. Your parents embarrassment is quite manipulative, in my opinion. Is there a way that you can learn to be more assertive with them? It seems that you have already shown strength by raising your daughter alone. I wish you well whatever you decide.

pallasathena · 01/08/2017 09:21

First of all, congratulations. And secondly, stop beating yourself up about it. Your child will have a sibling, you will have a much loved baby and it really doesn't matter what other people think, say or do in reaction to your news because you are the one who will be making all future decisions for your little family, not them.
If they choose to be judgey that's their problem. Rise above it. You don't need anyone's permission to continue with the pregnancy. Once baby is here, you'll find the judgey sorts moving on to the next big thing in their little lives.
Leave them to it. They're nothing to you.
If the 'partner', isn't interested then that's his loss not yours. I wouldn't want to be with someone who hasn't the decency to step up when the going gets tough, who would? so tell him fine, you're not interested in him either and plan for a happy future for yourself and your beautiful children. In time, you will meet someone far more worthy of you.

MuncheysMummy · 01/08/2017 09:43

You are not in a suitable situation or frame of mind to be having another baby. You must take precautions to make sure getting pregnant accidentally won't happen again once is a mistake twice is getting a bit careless.

pallasathena · 01/08/2017 09:56

MuncheysMummy, why can't you show a bit of humanity?
What is it with people who cast themselves in the role of judge, jury and executioner?
Does it make you feel self righteous, self satisfied and superior perhaps?

MommaGee · 01/08/2017 10:24

Muncheys you can tell from 1 post how her state of mind will play out over the coming months once the shock has passed sufficiently to tell her to not have this baby. Wow that's impressive

OP you're older and wiser. If you want the baby, keep the baby. So long as he's not aggressive, abusive etc leave the door open for Dad too in case he just needs time and space

schoolgaterebel · 01/08/2017 10:37

You are a mum, and want to be a mum again.

Obviously you will do this (because you're not exactly going to get rid of the baby because you're worried about people's reactions are you)

So what you need to get your head around is how you are going to react to the negativity, deal with the dad who doesn't want to know etc.

You and your DD will gain so much joy from this new little arrival, focus on the positives.

PollytheDolly · 01/08/2017 10:40

Congratulations.

And what other people think of you, is none of your business

Your life.

WhyIsThereHariboInMyWine · 01/08/2017 15:17

I agree with everyone, bollocks to what anyone else thinks. They may well judge but you will soon forget about that when you see your beautiful baby smile at you for the first time.

Be "selfish" (It's not selfish to devote your life to loving your children imo) and be happy, please take a few moments to stop worrying and feel excited instead. You have done this before, you know you are strong enough already.

Tell everyone at once that might judge, by text if you can't face it. Then tell people that will be happy for you to cheer yourself up.

gabsdot · 01/08/2017 15:36

You've said the baby's dad doesn't want to know.
This is unacceptable and he must be made to take responsibility, if only financially
There are too many dead beat dads out there. Make sure he pays for his actions. You're going to have to ,why shouldn't he.

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