Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


Utter sadness and angst

6 replies

Ang69 · 31/07/2017 20:22

Title says it all. I am so very devastated as I type this and don't know where to turn. I will soon be losing my beautiful mum to lung cancer and I am with her now nursing her through her remaining time. This is sad enough but unfortunately my db and uncle have poisoned my mums mind against myself and my older brother.

My mum is 84 but up until March this year was completely with it. She then had severe pneumonia twice following radio therapy and had a very bad delirium episode in hospital which has left her with short term memory loss, paranoia and aggressive outbursts.

I live 300 miles away from her as does my older db but we have taken turns to be there with me doing the most as I'm an ex nurse and my mum always wants me as she feels safer. My younger db lives 5 minutes walk from her but is pretty much just there when it suits. I don't think he does it maliciously it's just the way it's always been and I know he does love her. Anyway, about a month ago she was back in hospital again very ill were we thought we'd lose her but she rallied. I stayed with her for 10 days but had to go back as I have 4 young dc and a full time job. She then started to become more and more confused until she believed I had stolen money from her account which I hadn't . I'll be honest and say she did lend me some money before she became ill but I hadn't asked her and she literally forced me to take it as I had cash flow issues as I had just become self employed. I went back to see her and she threw me out of the hospital calling me horrible names and saying she would never trust me again. I stayed away for a few weeks and my older db was now looking after her as she came home from hospital. She mellowed and said she wanted me to come up so I arranged this with my 2 brothers. My older db left last week to go back to work ( he is also self employed so no earnings when not working). He stayed for 2.5 weeks and then my younger brother would take over for 5 days then I would come up. My mum became distraught when he left saying he was abandoning her, he explained gently he'd only be gone for a couple of weeks and that we'd be there. Sadly, my younger db and uncle fuelled this anger and upset in my mum as they had had minor arguments over the time he was there. They also refuelled my mum's anger with me to the point that within 3 days my younger brother had a solicitor out to draw up a will which left everything to himself cutting us out bar a few thousand pounds to be split between us. He also got the GP out to say she had capacity. The GP who came out had never met my mum before and did a memory test that she passed. He didn't check the notes to show numerous documented incidences of delirium and just one week before my mum asked to see a doctor as she felt she was losing her mind.

I am here now after a rocky start (mum had to be sedated on Sunday at the thought of me coming up). I am living with her and she was told on on Friday that no more can be done. She has begged me not to leave her, she says only I give her comfort and that she knows I didn't steal from her. She can't remember about the will but says she doesn't want to discuss anything and that she wants us to forget everything. She has however said my older db can't come back as he abandoned her (she still believes this and is utterly distraught at the mention of his name). I am now left on my own to care for her as my younger db goes to work and pops in for half an hour in the afternoon.

She is slipping away and I am so sad this has happened. I feel my whole family is torn apart, how can I have a relationship with my young db now? How do I tell my other db to not come up as she is so distraught at the mention of his name?

I don't care one iota about the money, it's the principle. I know my mums wishes were for it to be split. She never got around to a will before, I asked her lots but she always said get it later. I was never that bothered as she doesn't have masses and I thought we all sang from the same hymn sheet. Don't even know what I'm asking here. Should I accept this or fight it? It feels horrible to even consider fighting at this stage but another part of me can't let him get away with this.

Thanks for reading this huge regurgitation of my self pity and sadness. It's hard being alone with someone and seeing them in such distress and pain so thank you for just reading.

OP posts:

whirlycurly · 31/07/2017 20:34

Oh I'm so sorry, this sounds like an incredibly distressing situation all round and it's very understandable that you're feeling it's unfair. Sadly, money brings out the utter worst in some people.

I hope you can find the strength to get through this. Focus on your mum for now and then decide how to proceed with your brothers later. I hope you have some rl support for you too. Flowers


StillDrivingMeBonkers · 31/07/2017 21:31

Should I accept this or fight it? It feels horrible to even consider fighting at this stage but another part of me can't let him get away with this.

Capacity is fluid, you should know that as an ex nurse. You are accusing your GP of fraudulent collusion.

Devil in me says, draw up a new will, equal shares, get her to sign it and make sure its dated, and get independent witnesses.


StaplesCorner · 31/07/2017 21:38

consult a new solicitor yourself? This is awful. I know when people are dying they do tend to slip into "don't care just get on with it" mode, that's natural, but your younger DB has taken advantage and you all know it.


thegamblersmrs · 31/07/2017 21:51

Capacity fluctuates and depends on the specific question, for example someone may have capacity to decide what they want for their dinner but not have capacity to sign a will.

I'd be more interested in trying to encourage your mum to allow your brother to visit so they can make peace.

I hope you get some resolve. Hug her tight and hold her hand. I'd give anything to do the same to my mum. Flowers


WarwickAlice · 31/07/2017 22:10

So sorry to hear you're going through this x


Ang69 · 01/08/2017 07:44

Thanks all for reading and your replies. You are all right in that I need to focus on my mum and I am doing that. I love her so much and it breaks my heart in pieces that she is so distraught in her final days/weeks about her first born child.

With regards capacity, yes it is fluid. However, she made a decision with a poisoned mind. My parents were always fair, never ever any favouritism so this is totally and utterly out of character. It is now too late to redo a will as my mum is on morphine and has completely lost capacity. I can't even leave her for 5 minutes or she panics thinking I've left her. Her own GP said he wouldn't have touched it based on her condition but what's done is done.

I will hold her tight, kiss her and tell her we love her. That is all I can and want to do now. Hugs to all who have lost someone they love, it really is heart breaking.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?