What are anti-depressants like?

[Hadaboutenough]

NC'd for this. Sorry it's long. I'm just so sad and fed up.
DH & I had cross words yesterday. He then drank in the evening and came to bed at half one then stomped off to the spare room saying he hated me.
It made me feel so alone, so sad. I spent a couple of hours in the middle of the night researching how to commit suicide effectively with prescription painkillers that I have.

I have no-one to talk to. I let go of my old friends a few years ago, no drama, they just really all let me down when I was going through infertility and I couldn't see how on earth they could do what they did.
My parents live abroad and my mother and I are NC.
My brother is dead.

I have 2 children under 3 and have lived here for a couple of years now so I know a few people from playgroups, but not close friends as such, and it's a bit clicquey so sometimes I do get left out and that hurts a little.

I have other background stressors. I have a brain tumour, in a dangerous place, but benign and not currently growing so just under ongoing observation. I have been in pain since about February with back and hip pain and sciatica.
I am going through the menopause early which makes me sad.
And DH is a cross-dresser and it's putting a strain on our relationship.

I lose my temper easily with the children and I fear it will scar them and they will end up hating me.

I just walked out the house this morning and sat in the car in a quiet beauty spot with a load of tablets but didn't do anything.

I like to think I'm a nice, generous, kind, person, though I can be forthright and sharp-tongued. How have I ended up like this?

I think I need anti-depressants. Friends would help but I don't really have any anymore.

Please go and see your GP tomorrow.

Call the Samaritans if you feel suicidal and then when you are feeling a bit better can you think about getting out with the children to a toddler group and make some new friends?

Been on them twice. Both for 6 months stints to give me a leg up to normality. I felt slightly 'cotton wool' business I'm the beginning as if 2 seconds behind what was going on. Naturally I am a person with high highs and low lows, so I didn't like the flat line emotionless feeling. However. It stopped the constant crying gave me a ladder out of the depth of despair. When I felt better I wanted to come off and took advice from GP.

Last time I took them was 2003. Since then I have had prem twins, and I felt lots of questions were asked looking out for PND but I never had it. If I felt that way again, I wouldn't hesitate.

www.mind.org.uk/

It sounds like you're in a horrid place right now, and talking to your GP would be a good idea.

I first started on anti depressants after I very nearly just walked away from everything in my life - and it completely freaked me out that it was so hard to turn round and go home.

Anti depressants aren't an immediate fix. They do take a while to work, but I found they blocked out the worst feelings of fear, sadness, hopelessness and despair - and gave me the ability to function well enough to get some help (CBT and counselling in my case) in dealing with some of the underlying problems. My GP at the time described it a bit like taking painkillers so you can cope with physiotherapy.

There is hope here for you. Life does not and will not always be like this.

If there is something small you can think if that will make the next few minutes more bearable, please go and do it (make a cuppa, watch something mindless on YouTube, cuddle the cat?) but please, please do go to your GP-and tell them it us urgent.

And if you get too desperate before they can see you, the Samaritans are always there and will not judge you.

www.samaritans.org/

You are under enormous strain. Go to see your GP for an immediate appointment. Don't be afraid