Husbands passive aggressiveness

[Ohnomoomoos]

Aibu, I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

I don't really know what to call it but I feel like he does things deliberately to sabotage things.

For example, let's say I wanted to take the kids to the park after going shopping. We'd discuss and agree it all then after shopping he'd drive past the park and go home. When I'd ask like where he's going he'd play dumb and act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about, then he'll say he forgot, he does it all the time though.

If let's say I want to go out for dinner, I'll suggest it, and he'll say "ye but do you really want to go out for dinner". I'm thinking no I'm just saying it for the fun of it. Then he will agree but keep saying things like he's sure the place isn't open on Saturday evenings, or he's sure they over charged us once, things that are completely untrue.

I feel as though he plays stupid whenever he doesn't want to do something (which he'd deny), acts incapable, forgets, takes no parts in organising, yet he can soon get his act together if it's something he wants to do for himself.

It's making me really resentful because I feel like I'm the one who has to think all the time.

Gaslighting.
Competent incompetence.
Arseholery.
Wankbadgery.

Well he's just being an arsehole. It's entirely deliberate.

That's the sort of crap my ex used to do and reading that just made me realise!

Oh this would drive me mental.

DP used to do this a bit if he thought I would get angry if he didn't want to do something like go out for dinner. We had a talk. It stopped. Now he says what he means & we are both much happier.

You can counter this with some assertiveness. Drive to the park. Bit more difficult to drag someone out for dinner though.

And another one whose ex played these kind of mind games.
I didn’t even realise for many, many years. The sly bastard.
It’s an awful way to live, OP ime they never change, it’s who they are.

I do challenge him. If for example I said let's not forget to go to the park. He might respond with something like "what time is it"? "It's half 3 isn't it". Or he might start asking which park we said we'd go to, or even drive the wrong way. It's just so irritating. He f I ask him if he just doesn't want to go, he'll deny that's the case.

I have had it out with him but he completely denies doing this.

I do, I will ask what that has to do with anything? I end up snapping then I'm the bad guy and apparently being horrible to him.

Do you drive? Sounds like he's in a position to control what goes on and when. I would start making plans and carrying them out without him and without discussion.

Sounds exhausting OP

Has he always been like this?

He sounds like an absolute twat.

Ltb

Gaslighting is the term, I believe. It's insidious and horrid and meant to undermine and devalue you.

My DH does things I consider to be gaslighting as well although yours seems on a whole different level!

Bloody hell it's just dawned on me reading this that exh used to do things like that all the time.
I could never put my finger on it at the time.

My DH 'forgets' a lot too, yet weirdly manages at work and with his stuff outside work. He's also taken to cutting across me when speaking with comments on a totally different topic.

I've pointed out both repeatedly and have lost it with him several times. His response, why are you so angry.

In a quiet moment I've suggested he gets some help for his memory, which he refuses to and admitted he just doesn't bother to remember. I've also told him that behaviour is disrespectful. We've come close to me leaving, several times.

Things are better now but it is exhausting.

My advice, call him out on it every time.