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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more out of live

23 replies

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 15:41

Hi,

Hope it is okay that I cover this topic on several threads. I married quite young and had four children in quick succession, my husband is caring and a great provider and always treats me with respect.
We live in a beautiful house, all children are healthy, the oldest is a bit hyper and a tomboy. I am healthy.

But, my husband is sort of... difficult... he can go on and on and on about a topic, such as weighing too much or being unhappy with his job... now I decided to do everything I can to help him eat healthy and he just says "nice, but won't have any results anyway"... feeling a bit demotivated. This is dragging me down, can 't he at least pretend he believes it will be a success?

Sometimes I am happy when he stays at work for long hours because I don't have to see his sullen face then and whenever we have people over and they leave I am so sad because our house becomes sad again.

He was diagnosed with PTSD and tries his best to cope. He cannot do crowds very well because of PTSD and is also short of hearing and avoids a lot of things.

I go without him but I am often sad about this.

AIBU to be sad, after all I have lots of things other people long for. Is this just life?

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 31/07/2017 15:43

now I decided to do everything I can to help him eat healthy

This isn't the first thread is it? He goes out and buys and eats snacks all the time doesn't he? Manly snacks and all that...

When will you learn that you cannot mother him, he has to step up and take responsibility for his own food intake?

NooNooHead · 31/07/2017 15:46

Yes you are BU. I have a terminally ill brother, have just lost my job and had an ectopic in March when I dearly want another child. I have also recovered from a head injury plus have a drug induced movement disorder so am pretty much done with crappy life circumstances but choose to go on no matter what.

Life is what you make it, and you can still be happy regardless of your DH being miserable. It doesn't sound like he has much to be miserable about - and if he is, he should change it.

Sorry to be so blunt but I am not in the best of moods today...

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 15:47

Yes, that was me.
But no, he does not say "I only want to eat manly food". It was me asking for snacks liked by a man because he does not eat healthful and all that stuff. He has a more manly taste.
English is not my native language.

Well, we have been eating healthy since Monday last week. We are gonna buy a zoodler. It is just, he does not believe it will work. He does not believe he snacks much, when he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 15:50

He does not believe he can change it. Cannot work in his old job because of being short of hearing and PTSD.

Of course he can change his weight but he does not believe he can. He does not believe he snacks much though it is clear for everybody who had eyes to see.

Yes, I can do stuff on my own but it is so odd if there are only couples apart from me. I feel just like being single - single with a husband.

OP posts:

thefutureisfemale · 31/07/2017 15:51

@noonooheads having a hard time so that everyone else has to tip toe around her concerning things that upset her... ok

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 15:51

Sorry, I wanted to say "healthfood" not "healthful".

OP posts:

thefutureisfemale · 31/07/2017 15:52

*things that upset them I meant

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 16:06

No, it is okay. I am happy none of my brothers is terminal ill and I never had a ectopic pregnancy @thefutureisfemale and @noonooheads but still unhappy my marriage is like that.

OP posts:

NooNooHead · 31/07/2017 16:09

I'm sorry... It wasn't meant to be a rude or hurtful post. I'm not being dismissive of the OP concerns at all, I hope she manages to get her marriage problems sorted out.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 16:10

Maybe he's knackered and a bit depressed? It's a lot of pressure on one's shoulder when you have a big family especially when you don't enjoy your job. Maybe he's sad that his wife is not more understanding?

justkeeponsmiling · 31/07/2017 16:17

Noonoo I'm so sorry, that sounds really shit You make an excellent point though. I know it is not possible to always compare ourselves to others and remind ourselves how lucky we really are. But I have found myself to be in much more positive headspace since making an effort to spend a few minutes every day to count my blessings and remind myself of how lucky I am. Best wishes to you Noonoo .

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 16:31

@swingofthings: Trying to be more understanding but he whines and whines and is sometimes just so snobby (because he thinks he is better than everybody at his new job and they are just a bunch of idiots) and nothing I ever say changes this. It just goes into the one ear and straight out of the other.

OP posts:

donajimena · 31/07/2017 17:18

noonoo I'm sorry you are having a shitty time. I see you did apologise. Sometimes when you are having a 'low level* bad time of things it sucks all the joy out of life. Especially as you know on paper you have a lot to be thankful for.

swingofthings · 31/07/2017 17:23

Trying to be more understanding but he whines and whines and is sometimes just so snobby (because he thinks he is better than everybody at his new job and they are just a bunch of idiots) and nothing I ever say changes this.
So he is clearly very unhappy at work. That alone will get your moods down considering how much of your life you spend there. Maybe he dreads going every morning.

Maybe it might be good to talk about what he is getting out of life too. It should be something you do together, if anything to make plans and agree on things to look forward to together.

ilovesooty · 31/07/2017 17:23

OP unless he wants to change things you unfortunately can't develop a positive mental attitude on his behalf.

thefutureisfemale was that really necessary?

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 31/07/2017 17:47

Yes, he hates his job. Especially the people because he thinks they are sort of scheming and not solidarisch, you know. It is just like every man (and woman) for himself and his job is to mold them I to a team.
But when I met some of them they were very nice. Not sure if this is what is really there or just what he sees.

OP posts:

NooNooHead · 31/07/2017 19:26

Thank you both - I am having a really bad time and lost my job today, on top of my other issues. My brother only has a few weeks left to live so it hasn't been easy.

I am sorry if it seemed like I was being overly harsh; I realise everyone's problems are personal and important to them and I was by no means belittling the OP's problems at all.

I think others' posts have been spot on: your DH needs to be a bit more positive and he is the only one who can do that. I hope you can be as supportive to each other and kind to yourself.

user1471453601 · 31/07/2017 19:37

I just want to address the hearing problem, which you mention only in passing. I have lost quite a lot of my hearing, and if I dwell on it, it makes me irrationally furious.

I cannot watch tv or listen to radio with my family. I cannot go to parties or even go out with groups of more than two. I cannot go to plays, cinema or even go out when it's windy.

I'm in my 60s, goodness knows what I'd feel if I was much younger.

Maybe think about how the loss of hearing is affecting him?

balsamicbarbara · 31/07/2017 19:42

You can grieve for a life you didn't have but it doesn't help much in the long run. Eventually we have to come back to what we have, what we have yet to achieve and the vows we've made.

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 01/08/2017 08:56

@user1471453601: how do you cope? He is much younger than you are (and I am much younger than you are) and yes, he has told me a gazillion times that this is pretty shitty for him.
It is not like he cannot hear anything at all. If you talk loud and clear he hears you but if a lot of people talk at the same time and some of them mumbling he cannot understand what they say.
He does not like cinemas restaurants and so. He was diagnosed with PTSD... actually because of this, this is one of the main symptoms but sometimes I wonder if it also could be explained by the fact he does not hear very well.
Yes, it makes him pretty sad when he dwells on it and then he feels damaged and the solution would be not to dwell on it, but it seems he cannot snatch out of it. How do you manage?

BTW I do not think anything noonoohead or thefuture is female said was offensive. Both just made their point and that's okay :)

OP posts:

2014newme · 01/08/2017 08:58

Yes life with ptsd is hard.

Original poster

Snafu1988 · 01/08/2017 09:04

Do you have PTSD?
I wonder if he really has PTSD, because he has none of the other symptoms like aggression or flashbacks or isolation or drug abuse.
Basically his only symptom is he cannot do crowds, struggles with some things like construction sites (but never had a negative experience with them) and he is unhappy a lot and some smaller things. I have been talking to some spouses of men diagnosed with PTSD and they are a lot different.

OP posts:

2014newme · 01/08/2017 09:07

Presumably he had a horrendous experience which caused the ptsd. It manifests different in different people

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