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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't seem to get over it

22 replies

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 14:15

Three years ago my DP stood me up and stayed at a bar with another woman for 11 hours.
This woman was someone he did have a crush on in the past and we had been together for two months at this point (now together for 3 years). For whatever reason I stayed with him and we now have a child together. We started couples counseling and this night came up with our therapist. I had obviously suppressed it, but now that I am remembering that night I am so angry and hurt all over again.
We were supposed to be going out that night. During the evening I did text him and call him to end the evening with her and he never did.
Why can't I get over it???

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 31/07/2017 14:30

Probably because it's unresolved, ie still going on for you. Feelings like this don't age, they don't change with time, or lessen, well not until you process them. And you are processing them, through counselling

Be REALLY gentle with yourself op, give yourself permission to feel exactly as you do, and don't judge it, or minimise it. Great yourself as you would a good friend.

What is your husband's response to it like?

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 14:46

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel I should have moved on but I can still remember how I felt that night.
I ask him what was said and, of course, he can't remember. But he can remember her saying he could do better than me. I should also add she was his assistant at this time.
He sees why I am upset but there is nothing he can do about it now.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2017 14:51

I heard once that the relationships most likely to succeed were those with a 'story' at the beginning. You know those couples who light up when you ask them about how they met and what the early day of their relationship were like. They feel like it was meant to be and they get to tell a little romantic story about the,selves.

Right back at the very beginning of your relationship, you basically feel like he picked someone else. He doesn't see it that way, because he picked you, but you still have those feelings.

Is he a good husband? Does he love you and do lovely things for you? Is he kind?

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 14:57

You nailed it!

I do feel he picked her over me. I kept asking was he waiting for her to say date me that night. Is that why he stayed so long at the bar with her and when that didn't happen he then settled with me and I'm the consolation prize.
He is actually a very good partner (we're not married). I think he loves me. The reason we are in counseling is because he was messaging another woman one night and he kept talking about him and our child and never said anything about me...like I wasn't in the picture.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2017 15:06

Why was he messaging another woman?

I do think that's a little telling. I went out for drinks the other night with a bunch of girlfriends. One of their male friends turned up and we got on like a house on fire. Both of us were mentioning our partners a LOT because we were getting on and both wanted the other person to know the boundaries IYSWIM. Had I not mentioned DH, that would have been weird.

PurpleMinionMummy · 31/07/2017 15:10

I can relate to this and agree it's unresolved. You think something is done and dealt with but later actions can make you look at a past incident differently and see things you were naive too or just didn't see or feel before. Then it needs resolving again.

The fact he was messaging another woman has probably made you feel this woman from the past was a threat when perhaps at the time you may not have thought so? Or you did but because he chose you, you ignored it but this has brought it all back.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/07/2017 15:13

What are the circumstances surrounding him messaging woman no2? And who is 'him'?

None of this sounds particularly healthy. No wonder you're unable to move forward.

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 15:27

I did actually feel like she was a threat from the start. All three of us work together and she and I were friendly co-workers. She got really angry when she realized we were together. We are both separated from our spouses and I wonder had she realized he wasn't married anymore would she have made a move.
The email has brought it all back and I am having such a hard time. Which is upsetting because now there is a child in the picture.
Woman #2 was a previous co-worker and friend of his. I am unsure why he messaged her.
'him' is my boyfriend.

OP posts:

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 31/07/2017 15:28

Sorry but he doesn't sound like a good partner, at all.
Good partners don't do what he did at the very start of a new relationship-you know, those 1st months are supposed to be the most fun & hassle free right? Good partners certainly don't message other women...

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2017 15:29

Look, this guy isn't a keeper. He wouldn't be a keeper for anyone. He's the sort who's always on the lookout for someone else.

I'm really sorry, but I don't think you have a happy future with him. A miserable future, maybe, but not a happy one.

laureywilliams · 31/07/2017 15:30

Did he apologise for this at the time? Or during the counselling session recently? What are his thoughts on it?

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 15:33

I am seeing how selfish he is.

He is very apologetic at counseling. He goes on his own too so they can figure out why he does/did those things. Our therapist says he is very receptive to what she has to say and he wants to change and be a good partner to me.

I guess I feel like I am not the one he wants and it is affecting my self-esteem.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 31/07/2017 15:34

The thing is, even if you get over this particular hump, what about next time and the time after that? What about all the doubts that will invariably ensue? Wondering if he's messaged or e-mailed someone else that you don't know about.

That way madness lies.

Are you willing to spend your life trying to second-guess him. Even if you're certain he hasn't physically cheated, in my very honest opinion, emotional affairs and stone-walling are always harder to overcome than opportunistic sex with an OW.

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 15:39

VladmirsPoutine, you're right. I will always wonder...

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2017 16:04

You have to wonder if there is something in your partner that craves that attention. And if there is, do you want to stay with him knowing that?

Apologetic is one thing. Actively trying to do the hard work to change and make you relationship work; that's quite another.

Goingtobeawesome · 31/07/2017 16:07

He doesn't remember what was said but does remember her telling him he could do better than you. That's just horrible and I can't believe he would tell you!

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 16:13

He does crave the attention.

The therapist seems to think he wants to put the work in. Said it would be a shame to miss out on the guy he has potential to be.

That is horrible but I hounded him to tell me anything about that night and that is all he can remember. I am guessing he was pretty drunk after being there 11 hours.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2017 16:26

I'm not sure you need to know the details (although it's tempting to ask). You know he liked her, you know he wasn't fully committed to you at that stage. What you do with that information, and the messaging, is up to you.

I'm not entirely sure that the counselor is right. I mean anyone can be on their best behaviour. But if they are fundamentally attention seeking and choose to get that from other women... what are the chances of a long and happy relationship?

What do you expect in terms of work from him and what do you need to see to feel secure and happy?

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 16:44

MrsTerry Pratchett - Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I am unsure what he can do now to make me feel secure and happy. He asks me, and the therapist asks me, and I can't think of anything that can take away this pain.

He doesn't talk to the first one anymore....because I said he couldn't, and she is no longer his assistant. She still works at the office though.

I am starting a new job next week so I won't have to see the first woman anymore. Hope that helps me feel a bit better. My blood boils when I come across her at work.

He messaged the second woman back and told her what he did was wrong and that he loves me very much.

What can he do to make our relationship work?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2017 18:18

It sounds like you have been feeling this for three years and now it's all come back again. Maybe there isn't anything he can do. Maybe the trust just isn't there and never has been

Original poster

canadianmum1978 · 31/07/2017 20:07

I was hoping there was something either of us could do to make things work out.

I wouldn't have stayed this long if it wasn't for our child but I kept hoping time would heal my pain.

OP posts:

lmer · 31/07/2017 22:53

Tbh it sounds like you need to leave, and I think you know that this isn't a happy relationship anyway

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