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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going for a meal with a male friend

25 replies

cricketqueen · 31/07/2017 12:28

I am going for a meal tonight at a restaurant with a male friend. We are very good friends, I think of him as a brother etc.
The reason we are going for this meal is he has got a new job as the manager of this restaurant, and before he starts he wants to go for a meal there and get a feel for how it all runs etc. He recently split from his partner and he wasn't sure who else to take. He just wants someone else's opinion on the food and service.
My husband has no problem with this, he is also good friends with the guy and obviously knows us well enough to know what our friendship is like.
My husband mentioned to his mum and sister that I was going out tonight and they started going on about how it was wrong for me to go out for a meal with another man, how it's odd how close we are etc. My dh stuck up for me stating that it was just food. I mentioned it to my friend and she said that she kinda agrees with my mil. So am I wrong to go out for food with my friend who just happens to be male and straight?

OP posts:

BetterEatCheese · 31/07/2017 12:30

It's not you that's odd doing this, it's them! I have make friends I do this with, no issue and my dp goes out with his female friends from work for meals etc.

x2boys · 31/07/2017 12:31

The way you describe it it seems fair enough plus your dh is fine with it I can't see a problem.

waitforitfdear · 31/07/2017 12:31

They are very childish arnt they?

It's no one else's business is it but yours and your dh.

Strange people

ecuse · 31/07/2017 12:32

Obviously not, and it's none of your inlaws' business.

StiginaGrump · 31/07/2017 12:32

I do this all the time - DH drops me off happily. Trust is important - your friend and family are odd.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 31/07/2017 12:34

I've done this for years in one form or another, as has DH. Our marriage isn't based on ownership of one another and we've been faithful to each other for over 30 years. So if you and your partner are fine with it, the clucky, disapproving women in your life shouldn't count.

MorrisZapp · 31/07/2017 12:39

I've averted the judgement by having a gay man as a best friend. It's all fine and dandy because instead of trying to shag me, he's giving me fashion tips and updating me about Love Island (in their minds anyway - in reality he's droning on about Dumbledore and recounting his days as a pipe fitter but I love him anyway).

Original poster

cricketqueen · 31/07/2017 12:41

Thank God. My dh has never had an issue with it but his mum and sister went on for ages at him about it. We trust each other completely so would never question friendships etc. I'll just chalk this up to another odd thing my mil says like that dd shouldn't play with batman toys. It probably comes down to that she doesn't like me cause I'm so different in my approach to life than her. Glad to hear I'm not odd though (well no odder than I've always been).

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2017 12:46

Yeah I agree it's your mil being odd not you

Laiste · 31/07/2017 12:51

Well, in fairness to your MIL, SIL and your friend i think that there's scope for the situation to be mis-read at first.

MIL and SILs priority when it comes down to it is their son/brother. However, you've explained it and that should be enough. DH needs to deal with his family's fretting now, not you.

CrosswordPuzzle · 31/07/2017 13:00

You'd get very different answers if you were asking if it was okay for your DH to go out for a meal with another woman.

Original poster

cricketqueen · 31/07/2017 13:03

I would have no issue with my dh going for a meal with a female friend which he has in the past. He also works in a business which is predominantly women staff members and I've never thought he shouldn't go for work nights out cause they are with women. We just trust each other o guess. We have been together for 10 years and we have never had issues with each other's friends

OP posts:

TheSolitaryBoojum · 31/07/2017 13:08

Not from me, Crossword, or a lot of my friends. Musicians, academics, people who don't regard getting married as the end of you as an individual. You either trust your partner or you end the relationship.

ThePants999 · 31/07/2017 13:11

I (as a man) used to have a great female friend and we'd often go for a meal together. Neither of us had the slightest bit of sexual or romantic interest in the other. Never could convince my girlfriend of that, sadly. Didn't stop us later marrying, though. (The girlfriend, that is, not the friend!)

peachgreen · 31/07/2017 13:12

All these sorts of things are 100% marriage dependent. Nobody's opinion matters apart from yours and you DH's, so if your DH is okay with it, everyone else can butt out! And I say that as someone who wouldn't have dinner with a male friend because it wouldn't be acceptable in the context of my marriage.

ecuse · 31/07/2017 13:28

I have no issue with DH going out with female friends either.

tintrighttintfair · 31/07/2017 13:48

If DH has no problem with it then you shouldn't take any notice. MIL and SIL are not in your marriage, you are. Ask them if they haven't got anything better to do.

Elphame · 31/07/2017 13:55

I do it all the time - my OH isn't worried.

I'd have no problem with him going out with a female friend. In fact I've "lent" him to a few of my female friends when they needed a male partner for some event or other!

ReanimatedSGB · 31/07/2017 13:59

Obviously it's fine because you and your DH are happy with it, and it's no one else's business.

I know we all get to set our own rules (well, agree them with our partners) in relationships but I do think that people who would object to this are a bit pathetic and need to get a life.

LaArdilla · 31/07/2017 14:01

It's the kind of thing it's not worth talking to elderly people about, or dim people with dull, old-fashioned views.

I mean, it's like trying to explain Netflix to them, or polygamous marriage, or why they should stop using IE. Or, like you say, little girls playing with Batman toys. They're stuck in their ways, don't care for others' opinions and will just natter on at you about how wrong you are.

I stopped telling my family things ages ago. I sort of airily say "I don't know" a lot and it's blissful, because they can't give me lengthy lectures about how the Daily Mail says it's very terribly wrong to Do Things. They're dying for tidbits to judge on and I give them nothing. Great fun. Can recommend.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 31/07/2017 14:15

I think it's fine. I have male friends and go out for lunch or dinner with them all the time. I think it's weird to be so concerned about it tbh.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 31/07/2017 14:19

*It's the kind of thing it's not worth talking to elderly people about, or dim people with dull, old-fashioned views.

I mean, it's like trying to explain Netflix to them, or polygamous marriage, or why they should stop using IE.*

I... have nothing. I'm not touching that one with a 10 foot pole. The ageism there is disgusting and I don't trust myself to address it politely.

Original poster

cricketqueen · 31/07/2017 14:37

I don't think it has anything to do with age. His mum is only 48 and his sister is 24.

OP posts:

cariadlet · 31/07/2017 14:45

Nothing wrong with men and women having friends of the opposite sex and socializing with them.

DP has a female friend that he used to work with that he sometimes meets up with for coffee and recently went out for a meal with a current female colleague.

Years ago (pre-children) he went abroad for a friend's wedding. He was away for a few weeks so during that time I went away for a few days with a female friend and also away for a few days with a male friend.

If you love each other and trust each other then you accept each others' friendships.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 31/07/2017 15:12

Starry Agreed, I'm old compared to most of MN, and my friends are a similar vintage. So being possessive, insecure and jealous, as well as needing to follow the mainstream herd seems to be unrelated to age. More about the sort of person you are and will be.

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