To think I'm never going to be better

[Athenajm80]

This is one of those ' I know I'm BU but I need other people to tell me so I can give myself the kick up the ass I need'

So back in January I had a bit of a breakdown, it had been building for a while, have had depression since...well, as long as I can remember, self-harmed since about 13 (although I remember the feelings were before this, in fact one of my earliest memories was slashing my mattress to release the tension I felt cause I didn't know what else to do), blah blah blah, woe is me, etc.

I was prescribed Fluoxetine, not the first time a doctor has recommended medication but the first time I've agreed to take it. It's been good, I've finally felt 'normal' - I know, we don't use the word normal, everyone is different, who can say what's normal... But anyway, I've felt stable, a few times my craziness has come back but I've been able to handle it. Sometimes I've had feelings like tonight but they don't last like they used to.

Anyway today/tonight, I've had this overwhelming shit feeling. Nowhere near as bad as pre-meds, but this kind of overhanging black cloud making me feel like I want to cry but that I am dead inside and can't. I know it'll pass, and it's nothing like I've felt before, but FFS, will I ever not feel like this. It's been over 20 years, I've done counselling, CBT, I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, therapists, the whole shebang. I just want to not feel crappy for no reason. I've got nothing to be sad about, not that that makes any difference I know, but I'm sure getting up and doing something would help but I don't have the energy to do anything on the weekends. I spend my time going from watching TV/reading, to cooking and sleeping. I barely leave the house cause I feel too exhausted.

WIBU to ask the docs to up my meds, or is there something else I can try, bearing in mind that 'talking therapies' haven't helped.

Arghhh, I feel so self pitying and pathetic, I know it'll be better tomorrow or the next day, but I'm fed up of having these shit days where I feel like turning the light off on me. I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to hurt myself, but if someone said I could flick a switch and just not be here then I'd be seriously tempted.

sometimes I've had feelings like tonight but they don't last like they used to.

That's what to cling to. That this, too, shall pass. It wouldn't be at all unreasonable to ask about a dosage adjustment if you feel that could help.
Maybe keeping a journal could help in two ways- it could help identify if there is a pattern to the dips in mood e.g. Hormonal etc. But also to help lift you by seeing that you can and do get through the crap times. And by maybe planning for them in a "survival mode" kind of way- cosy soft blankets to let you just snuggle down to rest, a box set of dvds to watch whilst you just bide time and focus on existing for that difficult period- no other expectations or pressures on you.

I hope that makes some sense. I think you are very very brave.

A friend who is in her early 40s is now completely free of depression for the first time in her adult life, so it can happen! I'm not sure if that's helpful to hear, but I hope so. She credits open water swimming for the transformation.