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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop Friday night contact?

18 replies

sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 14:10

DS goes to see ex EOW, has done for years, although ex has only been present for the past few (DS would stay with his gran, ex-MIL).

Ex is horrible. Chose drugs and drink over his son, skipped css paymenyd for years, emotionally and verbally abusive, passive aggressive, compulsive liar etc.

Since 2016 we agreed he could see DS EOW Fri night-Sun night and one night during the week. He has never asked to see DS during the week.
Him seeing DS on a Fri night is dependent on whether ex-MIL can take DS to a club Saturday morning, as ex cannot drive and won't use public transport (takes an hour) or taxis (20 minutes). However, ex only makes arrangements to see DS at silly o'clock on a Thursday night for the following day, often leaving with less than a few hours notice about changing plans on a Friday night/Saturday morning as ex-MIL cannot take DS to his club.

This year alone, out of 14 weekends, ex has not taken him on a Saturday morning 3 times and we've had to take him over after his club 4 times. So out of 14 weekends, ex and ex-mil have managed half of them.

The first time DS missed it ex took him to the park beforehand, in the rain, at around 10am when they needed to leave at 10.15ish. DS slipped in the mud, ruined his suit and hurt his back. What kind of a diddy takes a small child to a park, in the pissing rain, 15 minutes before they need to leave?

The second time ex and ex-mil booked something for over the time, something that could be done in the afternoon but they didn't want to 'drive about too much' to club then event so club was pushes aside.

Third time was yesterday. They arrived 20 minutes early, no one there yet and no one occupying the room. Ex asked if the club 'on at that time' (not 20 minutes later at the actual time) was on, receptionist said no, and so they left as ex "wanted to move on with his day". He was early, asked about the wrong club (he has no idea what DS club is called, or instructors, as he pays no attention), then decided to leave. He told me he was only letting me know as a courtesy (despite me paying for clubs).

I've had enough. Missing it 3 times for valid reasons would be okay. Not being able to take him once in a while is okay. However, ex has either missed it or not been able to take him, for half of all weekends he has had him this year.
Wibu to alter contact to after DS club on a Saturday to make sure he a) goes and b) I dont find out last minute that ex cannot take him? We don't have any court order to take into consideration.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 30/07/2017 14:15

How old is DS? How important is the club?

araiwa · 30/07/2017 14:16

I would suggest you stop arranging stuff for when he is with his dad.

If this club is so important then you take him on your time.

Imagine if the roles were reversed and the dad was telling you what to do in your time

Trb17 · 30/07/2017 14:16

I think that sounds very fair. Contact us to benefit the child not the parent. So if child is missing out on a club he loves and wants to attend because your ex is being an arse about it, I'd rearrange contact to commence AFTER your DS's club on Saturdays.

Starlight2345 · 30/07/2017 14:18

What is this club..Does it require regular attendance? How old is ds?

sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 14:21

DS is 7 and has been going twice a week, every week, for over 2 years. This pattern of missing it for no reason or us having to take DS over after, has been much the same for those two years but I've finally had enough.

Ex and ex-MIL agreed to take DS but then this has happened. It hasn't just been thurst upon them.

Ex has only been an 'active' part in DS life for about 2.5 years, and be active I still mean has no issues buggering off with his girlfriend when DS is there and letting ex-MIL do all the childcare.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 14:31

It's a sports club with progression and tests, so missing every other weekend isn't an option.

And not intending to drip feed but ex works Fri night until 8pm when DS goes over.
Between work, sleep and club ex is missing out on 4ish hours of contact time.

Ex also only accompanies DS and ex-MIL to the club once every so often.

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 14:43

Is the club very early on a Saturday morning? I'd just take him after the club.

I have a similar situation, with a Saturday morning club for DS. I just taking him over to his Dad's afterwards.

Is there another class in the week that he could go to to make up for missing any?

Starlight2345 · 30/07/2017 15:20

I think your unwillingness to name the type of club ( your choice) makes it difficult to answer...My DS used to go to tae kwon do twice a week..He still could of progressed going to 3 out of 4 lessons but not as fast..

Have you tried asking if it would be easier dropping after club?

sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 15:29

Ex doesn't want it to happen, not because of DS but because ex doesn't see why.

DS actually attends two sports clubs, one on a Monday and one on a Wednesday and Saturday. Ex and ex-MIL threw a hissy fit this summer because DS went to the summer camp for the Monday sport, on a Monday, to keep in with his routine. This meant that they couldn't keep him one night longer as ex couldn't take him and ex-MIL didn't want to drive (despite never asking for extra days and not bothering during term time).

They agreed to take DS and have since only taken him to about 1/ 2 of all lessons due to ex-MIL not being there to drive and ex not wanting to use public transport or taxis.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 30/07/2017 15:36

If ex is working until 8pm every Friday, shift contact to after the club.

RadioGaGoo · 30/07/2017 15:41

araiwa, sounds like club is a regular thing that DS enjoys. It's a pretty poor parent that would deny their DS their club on their allocated weekend for there own convenience, but if you think that's reasonable... Looks like OP is the only one who pays for it.

araiwa · 30/07/2017 15:49

Isnt that a thing tho- its really inconvenient for him

But yeah id try swapping to saturday after club- you can drop him off. Can he stay there and go to school from there on monday morning?

Haffdonga · 30/07/2017 15:53

What does your ds want?

sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 15:54

It isn't inconvenient for ex: ex doesn't do any of the running around. Either ex-MIL drives or I do. Ex refuses to get public transport or a taxi to take him as he doesn't see why he needs to put himself out or pay for the travel.

DS can't go to theirs until Monday morning. Ex tried this after demanding 50/50 because "it didnt matter about DS, I want 50/50". Ex-MIL starts work in the city centre at 9am. Needs to leave about 8.00am due to city centre traffic and parking.
Ex starts work at 8am or 12pm. He cannoy drive and therefore cannot get DS to school. They'd need two buses and a train before a 5 minute taxi or 15 minute walk, and have to leave about 6.30am to make it to school on public transport.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 30/07/2017 15:55

Haffdonga my DS refuses to see his dad when ex-MIL isn't there. He enjoys his club and wants to go. I've not asked him but based on experience I can guess, and it won't be in ex's favour.

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 30/07/2017 16:01

araiwa, would it not be pretty mean of his father to stop DS going to a regular club because it's not convenient for him?

Fruitcorner123 · 30/07/2017 16:05

Imagine if the roles were reversed and the dad was telling you what to do in your time

She isn't telling him what to do. They have agreed that he will attend this club and he has agreed to get him there but is failing.

Yes i would say YANBU to suggest he has him from when the club finishes on Saturday. Will DS be upset to miss a night with his dad?

annandale · 30/07/2017 16:10

I would think you would be completely reasonable to do this.

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