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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect everything to be considered equally by my midwife and doctors?

62 replies

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 22:02

Apologies for the long post, I'm stuck at home bored with too much time on my hands!

I'm having my first official midwife appointment on Friday, I say official because it's been a mission just getting to 9 weeks, I've been under the care of EPAC unit since week 4 due to various bleeds and extreme extreme stomach cramps and huge amounts of vomiting. I've been signed off work till the end of the first trimester as my doctor does not think it's worth the stress to my body as the smells trigger the excessive vomiting and I'm in enough pain without adding more vomiting.

It's my third pregnancy this year, I've had an ectopic and miscarriage so far so as you can imagine I'm a bit on edge.
I've been looking into it for a while and I'm fairly certain I want a C section, for anxiety reasons amongst other things. I've looked it up and apparently I can have one at maternal request, I just have to show I understand the risks etc.

I'm concerned however by a number of things I have seen that make me think I won't be taken seriously, numerous stories of midwives being offended and not referring you or waiting until you have no choice but to give birth vaginally.

The pregnancy pack I got given has a bunch of little leaflets in it on various things, there is nothing about Csection, not even as an emergency but there is a lovely colourful one advocating home birth, as in it's all positive....none of the bad things that can happen are put on there, it just makes it sound like it's the best thing ever (I'm sure for most it is, but I want allllllll the medical attention I can get!)

This worries me as it makes me feel like I'm going to be pressured into having a paddling pool in my front room with someone telling me to imagine my cervix opening like a rose or some bullshit like that.

Each to their own, I do not judge anyone for their choices, but I know very clearly what I want and I am prepared to be educated by midwives as to the benefits and other issues concerning other modes of birth. However I'm very concerned that it will be presented to me very differently than an educational information session, rather natural/home birth propaganda.

Im having enough trouble relaxing in this pregnancy with my various issues without feeling like I can't count on the medical professionals who are supposed to support me.
My husband thinks I'm being crazy and I just need to stand my ground but I can't do 30 weeks of stress, it's going to send me insane.
I'm sure my midwife will be incredible, but I've heard so many horror stories I have to ask.

Does anyone have any advice about having to deal with this?
AIBU to want my very carefully reasoned and researched birth choices taken as seriously as any other maternal choice?
I just don't want to get irritated or anxious and then come across as someone who is not sensible enough to be taken seriously.

OP posts:
BlackStars · 29/07/2017 22:49

I got the paddling pool and rose scenario from a relative who is a midwife and almost militantly pro home birth. I'm avoiding her like the plague, I'm sure she will have plenty to say about it.

Funnily enough the most scary/traditional natural birth type midwife was the one who took me dead seriously when the first consultant refused me and got me booked in with another there and then. She said after the birth when she was seeing me at home that she knew it was the right choice for me and that she wasn't wrong.

BlackStars · 29/07/2017 22:52

I do though think your anxiety is something you need help with or it will mar your whole pg

I think if she could get a date in the diary for her CS her anxiety may well disappear.

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 22:54

To put the level of anxiety into some sort of context, my last miscarriage happened after we had Chinese food the night before.
Last night I had a pretty bad bleed straight after we had a Chinese again (we don't do takeaways often but it's my favourite and I have little bleeds all the time) I'm now so anxious about the thought of Chinese food making me miscarry that I forced my husband to throw it all out because I couldn't even think about it in the fridge without crying hysterically...now in my head I equate Chinese food with miscarriage and I can't even stand it being in the house.
I am not this person usually, I've never suffered with anxiety before.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 22:57

But you are doing now. It's fine to seek help. My first pg was a mmc and I was a bloody fruit and nutcase with my second. Every twinge sent me into a complete spiral. I was terrified of eating something or showering with a product that might contain something that could hurt the baby.
This was NOT normal and I should have realised that and sought help. I didn't. After a great birth experience I couldn't bf. Spiralled into a depression. Didn't realise it then but it was.
Seriously. Get help now. Flowers
And may you too have a great birth cs or otherwise. And a healthy baby too!

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 22:59

I do though think your anxiety is something you need help with or it will mar your whole pg

I think if she could get a date in the diary for her CS her anxiety may well disappear.

This is what I'm hoping, I'll take all the help I can get, I'm not going to turn my nose up at mental help at all, I've been asking for it and only been told I cant be medicated.... just an appointment to see a consultant after my dating scan will calm me down I think.
I was in bliss after my EPAC early scan and we saw a heart beat, so relaxed. Then I had a bleed and I'm all tense and crunchy again.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:01

You won't get a date for your cs at 9 weeks pg. you won't.
You need to be honest with medical professionals about the extent of your anxiety. Seek CBT, counselling, hypnobirthing. Whatever.
A planned CS won't take the fear away.

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:09

It may not take the fear away, but as I can change my mind at any point if I want to, I'm willing to jump through the hoops just in case it does.
I know I won't get a date, I'm not expecting it, I am however expecting to be taken seriously and various options discussed even if it is early days. I was asked on the phone just booking in the booking in appointment if I was considering using the hospital they are based it to give birth.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:11

You have clear and excessive anxiety. That needs to be dealt with. That's what needs taking seriously. The Chinese food thing. You must see that's not rational?

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:12

Not meaning to drip feed but my husband just reminded me about an email I sent to the hospital about 2 years ago asking abou their attitude to Csection (this is how important it is to me, we didn't start trying till January this year) and we had a positive response saying obviously they like natural birth but they are willing to consider it. but I'm not counting on it as it was a while ago and they have had a massive overhaul since then.

OP posts:
BlackStars · 29/07/2017 23:14

My first ELCS I requested at 19 weeks - after much argument and appointments it was eventually agreed very late and a date set for 10 days later (that was stressful)
No2 was in the diary by 16 weeks - so much better.

Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:14

You're clearly terrified of vaginal birth. You need to speak to the medical professionals about that urgently.

Floggingmolly · 29/07/2017 23:14

NHS budgets have also been cut quite considerably since then... It will be a factor.

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:15

Oh yeah the Chinese food thing is bonkers, my husband has already said that he won't be forced into eating his takeaways at his parents house like a criminal.
But such is how my mind is working right now, I know it's not rational, the food is in the outside bin and it's making me nervous....as if the thought of it is contaminating me.
I'm aware of the irony that all this stress is probably causing my problems.....not the Chinese food...

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:17

You really aren't well. And I don't mean the pg.
seek help. ASAP.

BlackStars · 29/07/2017 23:19

Think you do need to see your GP about your levels of anxiety re Chinese food/miscarriage etc - that is a bit of a separate issue to your CS desire and the stress really can't be good for you.

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:19

I've never been so weird before in my life. I'm usually the most sensible down to earth boring person in the world, totally logical etc.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:21

It's not weird. You're not well.

Floellabumbags · 29/07/2017 23:25

I've never been so weird before in my life. I'm usually the most sensible down to earth boring person in the world, totally logical etc

In fairness contacting the hospital about their policy on c-sections before TTCing is fairly unusual.

I think you have to get counselling because you can't give your anxieties free reign once your baby is here.

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:29

I wasn't as anxious then, I was just wanting to know. I'm very much you don't ask you don't get/know and there was no information about it and I like to be fully informed, no such thing as too much information for me I want to know the nitty gritty of everything so I can make an informed choice, as you can tell by this thread it concerned me I may not be able to easily access all the information or it may be biased. It was a factor for me so I asked. The fear I think has escalated since then.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/07/2017 23:35

It definitely seems to have done so. A lot. So are you going to seek help?

isernamesarerubbish · 29/07/2017 23:37

I had an emergency cs with my first so opted for it with second. But as it was a complicated pregnancy I only really remember discussing it with the consultant NOT the midwife. Considering your history do you have a consultant yet? Talk to them hugs

GreyCloudsToday · 29/07/2017 23:40

I think that you have pre-natal anxiety, and I can see why given the year you've had and your difficulties in this pregnancy.

The mode of delivery (whether CS or VB) is just the beginning of a time of uncertainty in getting to grips with caring for a new baby. If you can get support now with CBT, or other therapies it would be a really great foundation for the upheavals of new parenthood, which can be anxiety provoking. Flowers

Crashbangwhatausername · 29/07/2017 23:40

Fear of labour is a real and recognised phobia. You have lost two wanted babies within a short space of time, of course you want to control every aspect you can, have you got the option of an independent midwife/are one to one available in your area. Midwives love a natural birth, when things go smoothly it's amazing. But they (hopefully) love women and should support your choices, you will be far from the last woman to want a section for fear of birth and you are entitled to that. Is your dh in agreement with everything? I think it might be worthwhile making sure you go to appointments with someone you trust to advocate for you and explain things after if you are feeling a bit irrational you might not take in the information properl. Congratulations on the pregnancy

Original poster
FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 29/07/2017 23:41

Yes definitely asking for help, I have been already but I think I was misunderstood. I've mentioned it to my GP and the EPAC unit and they all said they couldn't give me anything as I was pregnant....I don't know why they think I want medication, I just wanted some help.

No consultant yet but I'm fairly familiar with most of them, as I've spent so much time in bloody hospital since January with all these pregnancies and issues.

Why can't it just be easy, I never wanted to be the silly cow asking if wine gums were safe to eat....(for what it's worth im not asking that....not that far gone yet... 😂😂)

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 29/07/2017 23:42

The best midwives are the ones who support women to weigh up their options and make informed choices. However your assigned midwife at the GP surgery is total pot luck and they may have very little experience with labour etc.

I worry that if you bring up a C-section now when you're only a few weeks pregnant they may minimise your anxiety and brush it off/refuse to discuss it which could lead to you feeling even less heard and more anxious. Just a thought.

They do or should have mental health midwives who you may be able to be referred to, so that might be worth an ask. Xx