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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH still not home after night out

55 replies

DeepBreathsCountToTen · 29/07/2017 12:40

DH went to a friends house for drinks last night after work, all fine.

DS wakes up in the night and needs resettling, and I see a text from DH at 4am saying he's sleeping over. Fine.

I'm up at 6.30am with DS and wait until 8am to try and call DH. No answer. I get a text at 8.30am to say he's feeling rough, he's actually at a different friends house and is going to stay there for a bit to recover.

He's still not back, no contact either and I am ready for a break. We've walked the dog, been to the playground, DS happy and fed. Now I'd like to do something with my weekend too!

Would it be unreasonable to be annoyed with DH?

OP posts:
LillyLoves · 29/07/2017 14:04

YABU - he's sleeping one off, and in a mutually-reasonable relationship either partner would be able to have a Friday night out and a light day following it.

No, that's not how it works when you have a child to look after. Fine if it had been agreed in advance, but in this case it hasn't so YADNBU to be angry, I would be!

Original poster
DeepBreathsCountToTen · 29/07/2017 14:05

Thanks all. Rightly or wrongly I'm pissed off, but I won't drag it out. I just wasn't sure if I was being a party pooper. I would never do this to him.

Have taken DS and dog out. Typically DS fell asleep in the car within 2 minutes, so now I'm just sitting in a car park, stewing! I think this day is definitely a write off.

Googles nearest mcdonalds drive through

I've made plans to go out all day tomorrow and DH will be having DS. I won't be rushing back.

OP posts:
NC4now · 29/07/2017 14:10

That sounds reasonable and proportionate.

eatabagofdicks · 29/07/2017 14:14

Never understand these threads. Who behaves like this?!

Cacofonix · 29/07/2017 14:28

Quite frankly YANBU - I would be livid. I have no problem with DH having a night out or staying at a friend's IF he has said this was his plan to start with. Then you can get on with stuff and not expect him to be there. But when they go missing in action and you are expecting them home at a certain time it is a bloody shitty thing to do. The few occasions DH said he was going for a quick drink after work and rolled in at 4am and I have been extremely clear that it is not acceptable. It never happens now. Yes we both go out but never missing in action.

Blazedandconfused · 29/07/2017 15:27

Is it a one off? Do you get time to yourself?

I went out last night- last minute thing. Got bladdered. Stayed in bed all morning while DH kept the kids quiet. He's taken them out now so I'm enjoying a quiet house.

I needed it. I'd had a tough week. DH gets that.

He'd never bitch or moan about me. I do loads for him and the kids, sometimes I just need a break and he's happy to accommodate that.

Neutrogena · 29/07/2017 15:29

YANBU - tell him net time he does it he needs to be home by 10am

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2017 15:47

Meh, this sort of thing doesn't bother either one of us. However neither of us ever perceived being alone with our daughter as some form of child care chore, as is coming across in some of these posts. As long as we knew where the other was and it wasn't a regular occurance, it was and always will be fine. Different strokes for different folks.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2017 15:50

YABU - he's sleeping one off, and in a mutually-reasonable relationship either partner would be able to have a Friday night out and a light day following it

Totally agree and yes also when a child involved. As said, neither of us saw being with our daughter as some form of chore and both perfectly capable and happy to pick up the slack for one another.

Lazyafternoon · 29/07/2017 16:04

My DH did this once. I was livid. At the time I was a SAHM to a early rising clingy toddler. Weekends were daddy time and I'd get to catch up on me time, getting stuff done etc. The arrangement has been he was out the Saturday night, to be home by lunchtime on the Sunday. I didn't care if he put on Peppa Pig and slobbed on the sofa nursing a hangover, but I had stuff to do so he was going to be watching DS Sunday afternoon. But by 3pm still not a peep, not even a text. Tried to call no answer etc etc. Didn't have the number of who he'd gone out with/ staying at. Eventually at gone 5pm I got a text to say 'sorry over slept!'. Didn't walk back in the door until after 7pm and still stinking and a right mess. He got one hell of ear full. I was grumpy with him for a good few days. Will never live it down. I was so angry.

It's not the going out that's the problem. If he'd said he'd be gone all day and it was arranged in advance that'd been fine too. It's the being let down and left twiddling my thumbs like an idiot that got me cross. I'd made plans and his fuckwittery cocked up my day.

So OP - YANBU. Make him pay,

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 29/07/2017 16:04

@Bluntness
Yes, I think that's the key difference - people being in a partnership with each other, rather than being answerable to each other like a boss/underling

Mothervulva · 29/07/2017 16:16

If it's agreed fine, but it wasn't so that's annoying.

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 29/07/2017 19:36

What time did he come home at op?

LillyLoves · 29/07/2017 19:40

...both perfectly capable and happy to pick up the slack for one another.

I would say this constitutes a form of agreement though. You know that within your partnership, this is acceptable. The OP has said she would never do this to her DH. It's not that she wants to boss him around or treat him as inferior, she just wants equal respect.

Issywizzybelle · 29/07/2017 19:46

Think there's something about dh's staying out longer than said at the moment!!!

ChristmasFluff · 29/07/2017 21:01

Planning a heavy one and staying over til after lunch = fine. Not planning a heavy one but getting carried away = annoying but also fine. Not planning a heavy one, staying away, not telling the partner until the early hours and then not coming home until after lunch (along with not being where expected in early hours) = affair.

SouthWindsWesterly · 30/07/2017 00:18

So did he come home?

Iflyaway · 30/07/2017 00:23

This is why I love being a LP!

I can just get on with doing my thing without a man/teenager-child messing it all up.

QuiteUnfitBit · 30/07/2017 01:01

Never understand these threads. Who behaves like this?!
My teenage son did this once when he was 17... but he had zero responsibilities, returned early the next morning with a hangover and hasn't done it since. I really don't think this is rife among men, or women, is it? Sad

Original poster
DeepBreathsCountToTen · 30/07/2017 08:49

He finally got home not long after we had gone out, about 2.30pm, which of course meant I returned at 4.30pm to DH fast asleep on the sofa and the house still a mess (I refused to do any housework yesterday!).

I'm having my day out today and all will be well again. I just know where I stand now if (when) things like this happen again....DS and I will be going out somewhere special and having a nice meal.

There are aspects of looking after a child that can absolutely be a chore sometimes, and I am not ashamed to say that. I look forward to weekends where I can share the responsibility of it.

I don't insist on DH being home at any time, however I do feel that a few drinks at a mates house turning into a 24 hour bender is not reasonable....especially at the weekend when it ruins any family outing.

Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 30/07/2017 08:54

Oh dear he sounds like he really tied one on! Hoping he comes home with a sore head later and you can ensure DS is having a loud moment! He should really give you an idea of when he's gonna be back tho. I suspect he's fallen asleep again?

I regularly go out and don't get in til 5am or I stay over at a mates. DH doesn't mind. We don't have to all turn into jigsaw puzzle/knitting types just because we have children.

AtHomeDadGlos · 30/07/2017 09:02

Affair?

MondieBee · 30/07/2017 14:39

DeepBreathCountToTen I absolutely agree some aspects of childcare are a chore. I also enjoy the weekend to share the responsibility. A lot of people on here seem to fall over themselves to prove they are this stepford wife type who enjoys every single second they spend with their child and would never begrudge their husband acting as selfishly as he wants to. It's very strange. Many appear to think not as the your significant other to disappear overnight is the epitome of clinginess and being very unfair. I sometimes suspect these women are in fact men.

MondieBee · 30/07/2017 14:40

Phone changed 'wanting' to 'as the for some reason

MartinJD · 30/07/2017 14:46

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