Told Birth Partner (Mum) I’m in Labour but NOT to come over yet

[knust]

I’m in early labour. I texted my mum (who will be my birth partner – home birth) at 7am to give her a heads up as she usually goes to town on Saturdays, but told her not to come around yet as I was trying to rest in between contractions. I can't sleep when people are around.
I texted her again about 8 to let her to that it was probably going to be a while as my contractions, while intense, were still 10 mins apart and not unbearable.
She replied asking if she should come around, in case things speed up, to help set up etc. I said I have everything sorted and I’m confident it won’t go from 10 mins apart to suddenly baby being born. In her defence my last daughter was born quickly as I didn’t think I was really in labour after two mornings of false labour.

But I asked her not to come over yet. She’s two minutes’ walk away so no rush until I need her. I’m still happiest just chilling out on my own, possibly half-sleeping between contractions, and the quieter it is the more likely my kids will stay asleep which will help me stay relaxed. If my kids know she's here they'll be hyper. They'll otherwise be happy watching TV for a good while when they wake up (we all had late nights last night)
I briefly said this - that I’d prefer to just chill out on my own until I really need her to break it up a bit.

She said she was just sat twiddling her thumbs, then announced her battery was low and she was coming over.
So I abruptly replied “please don’t!” and that she was stressing me out and that I just wanted to chill out on my own during this early bit.
She replied ok, then I felt guilty so replied “sorry but….” Trying to explain a little more and she has since not replied. Now I feed bad that I have offended her and that I’m potentially ruining her day if this all fizzles out and she’s sitting alone just waiting for me, and I seem ungrateful for not wanting her around until it really gets going.

I’m all stressed out now and my contractions have slowed down a bit.

Was I totally awful to insist she shouldn’t come, or was she unreasonable for TELLING me she was coming now after I asked her not to?

Do you really want lots of mumsnet replies if you are trying to chill?

heh, I dunno, I just feel really bad now and don't know if I was being unreasonable or not

Perhaps you shouldn't have texted her until you needed to?

As a mother I can see why she would want to be with you. Will you have a midwife present as well?

Is town so very far away that your mum couldn't have been summoned home if/when labour progresses?

YANBU! You didn't say it in a horrible way, you explained why. You're in labour- this should be entirely about what makes you feel the most comfortable and relaxed at this stage. Good luck OP!

Neither of you were unreasonable- just relax and forget it. She's got the message and is trying not to get in the way until you need her there.

If you wanted to chill you shouldnt have text her in the first place!

She's obviously excited and will now be waiting on tenterhooks for her phone to ring.
Surely it wouldn't have mattered if she was in town you could have just called her when necessary and she would have come back.
I'm honestly not trying to be rude but it is quite attention seeking to text someone like that.
Good luck with your labour.

You're in labour. Good luck!

Yeah I would have put off texting her until later but knew she was planning on going to town. I just feel rubbish now but wanted to keep her informed while still just taking it easy until things pick up. Last time I laboured alone for quite a while until I just had the feeling that I wanted my mum and it worked really well. I'm often best in my own company.
I can understand she's concerned but she was focusing more on 'twiddling her thumbs' which I guess she is and it's a bit shit for her too.
I suppose I won't be chilling out now anyway so might as well tell her to come around..

Yes I'll have midwives.

In a purely rational sense it is possible YABU - but fuck it, if you can't BU when you're just about to squeeze out a human being unmedicated, when can you be? If your mum has signed up to be your birth partner she must have been prepared for her schedule to be thrown up,to spend up to a couple of days just hanging around (what difference does it make if she's hanging around in your house or two mins up the road?), unreasonable requests, violent emotions, getting sworn at and having her hand crushed - this is surely all a potential part of the joyous experience?

Good luck OP - if she's a good enough mum you want her for your birth partner, I'm sure she won't hold it against you x

Will your kids not be up soon anyway? (If you're in the uk.)
Are they staying for the birth? Your mum could come over and help with them and give them breakfast?

Not trying to attention seek, it's just last time I was only sure I was in labour 45 mins before she was born and it'd probably take that long to get back from town.
Anyhow thanks everyone.

I think YAB a bit Unrrasonable. I think if you didn't want her involvement yet you shouldn't have text her yet - I can see her point of view that now you're expecting her to not go into town (is it really that far you couldn't call her from there?) and sit about at home just waiting for you to call, maybe not for several more hours. I'm not surprised she wants to come over - she is probably feeling both worried and excited and wants to be there with you for when you need her.

With hindsight you probably could have waited before calling your mum. Can you imagine how hard it must be to get that call then have to wait around for an update. No-one's at fault here so just chill with mum now and a cuppa and 'enjoy' labour.

Why did you text her Then? To make sure she didn't go to town? But you don't want her there anyway? Wtf don't fucking text her if you don't need her that's not fair now she's worried and you're slating her on the internet!

YANBU. How's it going? 😊

She probably has not replied because her battery is low. And of course she is on tenterhooks - how could she possibly be otherwise?!

Relax and concentrate on the birth - how exciting - lots of good luck with this. We grandparents are used to doing as we are told.

Yep I can hear the kids are moving about now, we had a late night so they slept in. OH will entertain the kids while my mum is here for me, but we were both up in the early hours sorting the pool out so letting him lie in now.

Yes she won't hold it against me at all, I just feel bad.
Ok, I guess I'll text her to come around, the kids will no doubt be down soon anyway (not sure why they're not already). I just thought I had a better chance of progressing with an hour or so to sit/lie/pace/watch tv alone and once grandma comes over everyone goes crazy. Instead I spent the hour feeling guilty and stressed and think I slowed things down a bit.

So what did you have? 😊

Yep, it was labour, he was born just after 2pm :)

I texted my mum shortly after as I said. She didn't seem offended or anything, so it was all fine in the end.

Glad it was fine with your mum but far far far more importantly, massive congratulations! Enjoy your lovely, snuggle newborn boy. Take care of yourself.

Congratulations!

Yay! Congratulations