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AIBU?

To think we can get through all this?

14 replies

Skylark678 · 28/07/2017 22:05

I have cross posted this to get other people's opinions. Tonight I'm struggling. It's taken me a long time to decide whether to post about this as it's very upsetting to me. I don't even know what I'm looking for really. I have tried talking to RL friends/ family about this but get shut down with "You asked him to do it"

I will try not to drip feed.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years and soon to celebrate 7 years of marriage. We have have always have a good relationship and very healthy sex life.

I gave birth to our DD in spring last year. Much wanted baby and my H is a very hands on father. I couldn't have asked for a better dad for my DD.

Before I got pregnant, we had some issues getting and staying pregnant. We suffered two devastating miscarriages over the course of 7 years, first being at 23 weeks and the second being at 12 weeks (I carried my loss for 6 weeks without knowing) Both times I haemorrhaged which resulted in emergency surgery to stop it and needing blood transfusions. It took us 6 years to fall pregnant in between this time.


After second miscarriage I was adamant it would take another 6 years and had effectively given up hope. I fell pregnant 4 months later with DD and we couldn't be happier. I suffered with severe morning sickness and lost 2st 8lbs in pregnancy which affected sex (too exhausted, sick) We probably had sex 3 times over the course of 9 months.

With everything that we had been through and my bad pregnancy I asked to be sterilised they refused. My H offered to have a vasectomy. He had the procedure down 3 months after DD was born. It took 4 weeks from referral from GP to actually having it done. In that time I had said to him I think it's a bad idea, maybe we should wait every day. He blamed hormones and that I would be fine with it etc.

The day of the vasectomy, we had a huge row, him saying I had left it to last minute to tell him how I felt, we both always wanted children. He threw me on the bed and said "come on then since you want another baby so badly" I completely lost it, crying, and told him to get out. I don't know what would have happened if I had been undressed. It was completely out of character.

I really hoped he would have gone and cooled off but he went and had the procedure done anyway. That night I told him I don't know if I would be able to forgive me, he broke down, and said he had gone through with it because he couldn't see me go through all that again, the sickness, horrific blood loss, the hurt.

Fast forward to now, a year later, and I still feel exactly the same. I desperately want to have another baby, he wants a baby too. The way he behaved with pushing me on the bed still plays on my mind and has affected our sex life. Not as often, takes a lot longer to get into.

I know the simply solution would seem to be to have a reversal but I don't ovulate very often and haven't since DD was 4 months old. I don't know where we go from here. The way things are between us, I simply couldn't have another baby at the moment.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 28/07/2017 22:30

I wouldn't have another baby with him. Ever. No way.

Isadora2007 · 28/07/2017 22:37

Honestly? You asked to be sterilised first and it was only because you were told no that he looked into vasectomy. What if you'd been sterilised at the same time as the birth?
How do you think he felt through the losses, the haemorrhages and then seeing you suffer throughout pregnancy?
I think your communication leaves much to be desired, and It seems you are very much focussed on wanting a baby rather than the reality of what you've both been through and how that has affected you and your relationship.

Can you afford a reversal? Could you emotionally cope with being unable to become pregnant again even if it were reversed- given the trouble you had initially.

Would you consider counselling?

Skylark678 · 28/07/2017 22:45

@Isadora2007 He has recently suggested couples counselling. But I'm not sure if it would work when he can't communicate with me directly but I'm open to trying anything.

We could afford a reversal but at the moment after everything that's happened I don't think I could bring another child into this until we are back on track.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 28/07/2017 23:00

Throwing you on the bed is horrendous.

Isadora2007 · 28/07/2017 23:07

I would give the counselling a go. What have you got to lose?

You want a baby. He wants a baby. But you don't want to have a baby with him. And he can't have a baby with you. You can't even talk properly. What kind of a marriage are you left with?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/07/2017 23:38

You have both been through so much, OP. For those reasons alone, try some counselling.

Skylark678 · 29/07/2017 10:18

Will arrange to make an appointment with GP first thing Monday morning

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/07/2017 10:22

Did he throw you on the bed and threaten to rape you? Am I reading this right?

Rainybo · 29/07/2017 10:24

Calvinlookingforhobbs is right. You have both been through so much.

Throwing you on the bed is indeed horrendous, as Squirmy says. You both need to talk through that incident as a starting point.

For me, personally, that would be a game over moment. But, and I say this very very cautiously as there is no excuse, I can see the immense amount of pressure and trauma you were both wrapped in.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 29/07/2017 10:27

I think both of you are at fault, his reaction was uncalled for, however it sounds like he was on the brick of tremendous pressure and confused as to what he wanted.

You both need individual and couples therapy.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/07/2017 10:29

I'll get flamed.

After all those great years together I would not focus too much on that incident.

He was tired, emotional and has probably suffered a degree of trauma.

I suspect he felt pushed to the limit and was very confused.

What he did was dreadful but as a one off in ten years then I'm not going to slate him. People aren't the sum total of one action.

What does he say about the incident ?

Skylark678 · 29/07/2017 13:41

He knows he was wrong to do it and is disgusted with himself but he can't give a reason to why he reacted the way he did. It was completely out of character.

He does regret going through with the procedure.

I'm not prefect, I know we are both at fault. I do want to make things work for both our sakes and of course our DD. Communication isn't great between us, he doesn't talk to me about how he feels etc. He keeps it all bottled up which isn't healthy. I think he may do it to protect me from the upset, which I have explained to him only makes it worse. It upsets me more he can't come to me.

We are going to try counselling. I'm sceptical about it working if he can't talk to me directly but we shall see.

OP posts:
Saracen · 29/07/2017 13:52

Counselling, for sure. You both want your relationship to work.

I don't understand why you would have any hesitation about counselling. You say "he can't communicate with me directly" - well, but that is exactly why counselling might help! If the two of you were able to talk effectively then you wouldn't need counselling.

Good luck Flowers

Skylark678 · 29/07/2017 14:02

Thank you

OP posts:
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