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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make dh take tonight off?

16 replies

EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 16:32

Since January he's been working ridiculous hours to finish a project that was brought forward at work. He's clocking up around 70hrs now as it's crept up and up. The only night he takes off is so he can go to his martial arts thing. He goes in at 6.30amuntil 4.30pm and then as soon as we've had tea he's wfh until 11pm. He then works almost solidly over the weekend.

I've asked him to not work tonight, or maybe only do 6-8, so we can have our 'date night'. This has always been a tradition, wine, a film or some crap telly, bit of karaoke maybe. The last few months he's worked until 9pm on a Friday and then we've spent some time together, but this week he wants to work until at least 11pm as it's apparently all gone to shit.

I've told him not to. They can't get blood out of a stone and there's no way they can force him to work. It is actually totally optional but as he is the lead on the team he feels he'll get the heat if the project isn't delivered. I've said it's the company's own stupid fault for bringing the launch date forward by eighteen months (seriously).

He's very literal (software engineer) so when the bosses say necks are on the block he panics. In reality he is one of their cornerstones and they'd be fucked without him, it takes three years at least to become competent in his firm and there's no way they'd sack people for this, particularly with the amount of overtime he and his colleagues are doing.

Selfishly, I miss him. And I'm desperate for some adult company and shagging after a heavy start to the holidays with the kids.

How can I get this through to him without sounding like a whiny brat? Oh, also, he's actually not working tomorrow night as he has a gig. So I feel like he's ok to prioritise that but not me. Or WIBU to fuck off out instead and leave him to sort bedtime (easy in the hols as the little one likes to sleep in with teenage DD so really he just has to check they're actually asleep by about ten). Although that's not even really the point, it's him I want to spend time with.

Aibu about this? I genuinely can't tell if I'm just being selfish. He says if he doesn't do all this overtime it will just come back on him so I need to leave him to it. I'm desperately worried about his quality of life at the moment and think he needs at least one evening off (I think since January he's had ONE weekend when he hasn't worked and that was because we went away. And I can't remember the last time he didn't work either during the day or the evening for a whole day).

Urgh. Sorry for length, it turned into a bit of a brain dump. I'm relying on you lot to make sense of this in my head.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/07/2017 16:46

I don't think yabu. It's not good for you/him/children or the quality of his work for him to never get a break.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 28/07/2017 16:48

Oh Essie. I've been a programmer widow for years so I feel your pain! The turnaround for us was having our children if I'm honest. It to a while but eventually he realised just how important family time is and he finally got his priorities in order!

It does sound like if your OH really feels he's at risk of being sacked if he doesn't meet deadlines then he needs to either stick up for himself or find another job. That's no way to live, slaving away in an environment like that, and if he keeps doing it then he'll just be taken for granted and pushed harder and harder.

If he's a genuinely good developer then there aren't a shortage of jobs out there for him. Great developers seem to be pretty hard to find tbh so maybe try to encourage him to put together his CV this weekend and send off a few speculative applications. Companies like my OH's are always on the lookout for talented programmers! Maybe your OH will be pleasantly surprised. Smile

NaymeChaynge · 28/07/2017 16:50

If he wants to work he won't enjoy a night off worrying about work when you're forcing him to have a date night. Ask him to put an evening aside in the next two weeks and let him choose a day that's a bit more convenient.

Ameliablue · 28/07/2017 16:50

You are not being unreasonable but if he is likely to be stressed, worried and distracted anyway, forcing the issue might just make things worse.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 28/07/2017 16:50

(And yes, make him take tonight off!) Grin

EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 16:59

Thanks PickleBoo

Tbf his job is usually great, and this sort of thing only happens once every six years or so, he just missed the last one. He won't look for a new job, he was at his old place for nearly twenty years and it took a lot of 'pressure' nagging from me to get him to go for this job which is still local but paid a third more. So I doubt I could get him to switch jobs, and really I doubt it would necessarily be better elsewhere.

You're all right that he'll stress if he takes tonight off. I can ameliorate it with beer and hot sex, but tomorrow he'll be even more raddled trying to play catch up.

It's all just shit. There's no point asking him to book a night off soon as the same will still apply. We're going abroad in a couple of weeks and he's already panicking about the time missed.

OP posts:
InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 17:05

What's this gig he has tomorrow?

EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 17:07

He gigs with a local band. The gigs are all booked months in advance and he does get paid, so it's still technically work I suppose. I dont begrudge him that but I do wonder how he compartmentalises it as a different thing to spending time with us.

OP posts:
InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 17:10

Sounds like he makes time for his hobbies but not his family. I'd insist on him making time for you.

EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 17:18

That's kind of how I feel, although it's a bit unfair on him. On the few hours off at the weekend (so like if he works until lunchtime and then starts again after tea) he throws himself into family time. But it's the time together after the kids are in bed that I'm missing. We used to watch something all together and then the kids would go up at about 9-30-10 and we'd stay up late together. If he works he's shattered obvs and I'll have gone up at 10pm so that's the evening fucked.

I think I've convinced him though, DD actually has a friend round and they've asked if she could stay. I said to DH that I've said they can but no kids downstairs after 9pm as it's date night and he said 'is that me told?'. Yes dear. Yes it is.

I'm going to pour him a beer with his dinner and then he's mine all mine (he won't work if he's had even a sniff of drink) Grin

OP posts:
MoosicalDaisy · 28/07/2017 17:24

I'd just wait for the holiday you guys have planned, try and rein him in once a fortnight after that.

Once the project is over it sounds like he deserves a month off with full pay or a hefty bonus.

MoosicalDaisy · 28/07/2017 17:27

Awww bless 'is that me told' just sounds sweet, enjoy yourselves!!

EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 18:10

We have a compromise! We've just finished dinner and he's about to start work. He's aiming for 8.30 unless he gets really stuck but I have permission to come in at 9pm and pull the plug. Not literally though, however tempting that is Grin

OP posts:
EssieTregowan · 28/07/2017 18:11

He is really sweet. We've just had the best laugh over dinner with the kids. I miss him.

OP posts:
InvisableLobstee · 28/07/2017 18:47

Thats great Wine

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/07/2017 20:10

Glad you've worked it out.

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