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It doesn't count if it's from DP but ok from my parents?

25 replies

snoopypoodle · 28/07/2017 13:23

Asking if my initial feeling is BU? I suspect it is.

For a while now I've wanted a cordless vac for the house as its small gets lots of fluff and being able to vacuum daily would really help keep on top of the mess, pg ATM so not really up for lugging the old Henry up and down the stairs everyday.

We have been talking about it with DP for nearly a year now, we saw one in Jan this year and he said we can't afford ATM, he said the same a couple of months ago. We were discussing it recently (my birthday is coming up) and I had a twinge he kept saying we can't afford it so he could get it for my birthday-I might be wrong here - so I said (JOKINGLY) he better not get me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday as I will not be happy.
But it's true, I see it as a family/household purchase, it is something we use to keep OUR house tidy I wouldn't really feel like it's a birthday gift for me it would feel like "here darling have this vacuum for your birthday so you can now make sure the house is clean" .

I have been recently looking at the cordless vacs with my DM as she considered one and her and my DF(ather) said they wanted to buy me the one I liked for my birthday. I accepted. It has already arrived.
I kind of feel that DP has gotten his back up about it as I told him I didn't want him to get me one, he hasn't said anything but my spidey senses are tingling.

Is this a double standard from me?

I would want my DP to get me something personal, or for me specifically - as I would for him.
I accepted my parents offer as they struggle with knowing what to buy and I feel like it's more of a gift for all of us/the household rather than just me personally.

As a bit of perspective from my side I wouldn't buy my DP a fancy mop he liked so he could mop our floors, it's a household purchase, we can buy it together.

But today I can't help but feel that IABU...

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 28/07/2017 13:25

Just explain that to him. No biggie.


plantsitter · 28/07/2017 13:27

Of course it's different. Your parents don't live in the house so there's no implicit message in it.

Mind you, if he hasn't said anything just forget about it! a) spidey senses can be wrong and b) he should tell you if he has an issue.


Needsomeflapjacks · 28/07/2017 13:28

Useful gifts are appropriate between dps and dc I feel but def needs to be the personal touch from a dp/dh/dw imo.


ittakes2 · 28/07/2017 13:28

I hate housework but oddly I like getting expensive household stuff for my birthday because they make my life easier! Did you consider maybe he might have been getting you the vac as well as something more personal?
To be honest, if you want him to get you something personal for your birthday - it's the way you feel so can't be anything unreasonable about it.


ProudBadMum · 28/07/2017 13:30

My mum used to buy me house things for birthdays that I couldn't afford myself when I was a single mum, plus a bottle of alcohol.

I'm thinking of buying partner a kettle and toaster for his birthday as he keeps putting off buying them...


MotherofKitties · 28/07/2017 13:37

I got given a Hoover by my PIL one Christmas which I was chuffed with because we needed one and it saved us buying it, but if my DH had bought me a Hoover I would have gone mental for the reasons you've stated; you are not being unreasonable Smile


Birdsgottaf1y · 28/07/2017 13:37

I think it's completely different.

I was a (widowed) LP and liked expensive curtains etc. So often family members would club together and get me something for the 'house'. I wouldn't have wanted them from a Partner.

However, if there is something that you would like, then a compromise is a token Christmas present each and get the household item, for both of you. My DD and her DP did this when they both wanted an Aga.


WheresLarry · 28/07/2017 13:45

Is it possible that when you saw the vac in January he went out and bought it, hence why he has said since then that you can't afford it? Maybe he's got his back up because he needs to return it and get you something else.


TheFlis12345 · 28/07/2017 13:50

Completely different! My parents have bought me a cordless vacuum and floor steamer before (knowing I wanted them) and I was thrilled, but if DP had bought them I would have been furious!


Serialweightwatcher · 28/07/2017 13:53

If you need one, does it matter what you got it for? If you want a bracelet/night out/underwear, can't you buy that later on or ask him for a non birthday gift in a few weeks


ModreB · 28/07/2017 14:06

A couple of years ago, DH bought me this for my birthday.

Everyone (DM) was horrified, but I was thrilled as I love cooking and had wanted one for sooo long, but we couldn't afford it. He had saved up for ages to get it, so was a really thoughtful, personal gift, that he knew I'd love.


MrsOverTheRoad · 28/07/2017 14:08

As you say though's all family money. When DH and I have been very tight for cash, I've had nothing for my birthday because WE can't afford anything I'd like.

If we could afford a vacuum and wanted one...we'd buy it.


snoopypoodle · 28/07/2017 14:16

Thankyou for all the replies! Glad to know I'm not too U!

I know he wouldn't have bought it back in Jan as he generally does last min stuff. And as crappy as this sounds if he did I'd be quite mad he held onto it for 7 months whilst I struggled with lugging our old vac around the house whilst pregnant just so he could plonk it in front of my on my birthday!

He has already booked me a hairdressing appt and nails as we've been busy and I've put it off for months now and been complaining about the state of my hair so that's lovely of him.

He also said he is taking us all (me him and DS) out for a day.

I hope he wasn't planning on buying one as a 'cherry on the cake' kind of thing.

OP posts:

snoopypoodle · 28/07/2017 14:19

The only thing is we keep our finances quite seperate, in proportion to our earnings. So I cover ABC and he covers XYZ (aka a lot more).
So we don't have a 'pot' we both have access to but we both decide on purchases for the house.

OP posts:

blacksax · 28/07/2017 14:23

DMIL kindly bought me a set of saucepans for my birthday once, very much wanted and asked for. No way would I have wanted them as a present from DH though - so I'm with you, OP! Grin


MrsOverTheRoad · 28/07/2017 14:25

Ah well then that's different! If he's got what's essentially his own money then NO vacuum!


BlueAutumnSkies · 28/07/2017 14:33

Each to their own, I would have happily accepted a cordless vac for my birthday if it was something I wanted, particularly if money was a little tight and we wouldn't be able to afford cordless vac and another birthday gift.

I know my husband would feel really upset that he "wasn't able to provide" (old fashioned view I know but it was how he was brought up) but I can see your point of view. Just explain your thinking on it, I am sure he will understand.


InvisibleCities · 28/07/2017 14:44

Using birthdays to acquire functional household stuff is only appropriate if you are both skint and need the stuff.

You'd hope that your DP would be thinking more along romantic or I-know-her-so-well-she'll-love-this lines than "Oh I'll just get us (us) a new vacuum on her birthday". It's thoughtless and lazy and also tells you that you are the designated cleaner of the house he also lives in.

Totally fine from parents though, because that's not loaded in any way.


DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 28/07/2017 15:12

I'd love a cordless hoover from my parents. Or as an on the spot present from DP.


CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/07/2017 19:04

We have been talking about it with DP for nearly a year now, we saw one in Jan this year and he said we can't afford ATM, he said the same a couple of months ago

Is he normally a stingy arse like this?
Seeing as he was going to gift you one for your birthday instead of putting proper thought, consideration - and his own money - into your bday present, i guess this isn't the first/only time.

I suggest you have a joint account for household expenditure for things like this and you both contribute X amount per month into it.

I bet if he was responsible for the hoovering he would prioritised it.

What happens in future when appliances break down/need replacing - is he going to refuse paying his share because he doesn't like the look of it or thinks it's needed?


CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/07/2017 19:08

How much has he spent on socialising over the past year?
Or on his hobbies, clothes etc?

I'd just ignore his moods until he does or says something about it.

Perhaps you could buy him a new dinner set on his birthday - or curtains/shower head?
Perhaps experiencing it for himself might help him understand what the 'problem' is?


inkzooka · 28/07/2017 19:09

A husband getting a wife a vacuum for her birthday has much worse implications than parents buying their child something for the house that both husband and wife will likely use.

YANBU, but he maybe doesn't see the implication in it!


mokaerisifhija · 28/07/2017 19:13

No I think yabu a bit. In a similar situation (not a vacuum cleaner) I declined the idea for my birthday but said it would make a lovely joint gift from my parents to both of us come Christmas time, because we both share housework equally and it would be weird if the vacuum cleaner was in some sense "mine".


RubaDubMum89 · 28/07/2017 19:15

Of course it's different! For the past few Christmases we've gotten a microwave, kettle and a toaster off the in laws (all purple), however, if my DP bought me one of those for a present I'd be gutted!

He did once buy me a stand mixer, but, I bake loads and had listed after one for ages and ages and was actually over the moon with it. Maybe I have a double standard?


snoopypoodle · 28/07/2017 21:58


I'm not actually sure if he was going to get me one or not.

Things are a bit tight ATM so it's not just about him being stingy.

OP posts:
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