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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny disagreeing over dropping DDs nap. AIBU?

49 replies

K1092902 · 28/07/2017 11:52

DD is 3yrs 3 months. She is starting pre school in September 3 days a week and unlike nursery won't get a nap in the middle of the day so the way I see it- we have the summer holidays to knock it on the head.

She wakes at 7am, has a nap at 2pm until 2.45/3 and goes to bed at 7.30.

Nanny is disagreeing over dropping her nap. I understand it's the only time she gets to have a bit of a breather and sit in the quiet for a bit- but surely she should be siding with us on this??

I brought it up with her this morning and explained that we have implemented it for a few days and DD while she is a little grumpy towards the end of the day seems to be coping OK.

I'm going to pop home at 2pm to make sure she isn't having a nap.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 28/07/2017 12:28

A child does not need to be trained to drop a nap. If a child needs a nap, then they need a nap.
Equally, many children have a nap because they are put in a quiet place for one and its part of the routine - many nurseries make all the 2 year olds nap, they don't check if they feel they need one!
The OP has said the child has been managing without the nap, and if she won't be offered the option in sept, it would be one more new thing for her to have to deal with, if she expects a nap, in a whole new place with lots of new people.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 28/07/2017 12:31

My 3 year old started nursery and hadn't given up on the naps. He did once he started though!

Personally I would allow the nap during the summer holidays because she isn't going to get one when she DOES start nursery and use that as a perfect opportunity to 'train her to give it up'.

Why do you think it is vital for her to give it up now rather than when she starts nursery? 3 and 4 year olds are so busy during their time at nursery that they won't even realise!

Closetlibrarian · 28/07/2017 12:32

Like others, DD dropped hers gradually. She also went to pre-school 3 days a week with no nap opportunity there. She napped a home the other days of the week for quite a long time. No need to 'train' her out of it now. Just play it by ear - some days she naps, some days she doesn't...

ishallconquerthat · 28/07/2017 12:36

From your OP I think it's cruel to prevent a child from napping in anticipation for something that will happen 3 times a week. Even after starting pre school she may be able to nap twice a week and not nap the other 3 days.

My 4 year old naps when he's too tired. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Why do you assume your nanny is insisting on the nap just because she wants a break?

Redsrule · 28/07/2017 12:41

Mine dropped their naps naturally but DD1 was still having one at 4 after DS had stopped his at 2. There is a school of thought that a nap gives enormous health benefits throughout your life and adults having a regular siesta are healthier. What exactly are the benefits to your DD of feeling tired and grumpy?

anonymoosy · 28/07/2017 12:41

Agree with previous poster - isn't there a compromise to be had by dropping the nap but replacing it with quiet time? This is the only time I allowed TV, or we sometimes used audio books. I found that if they were tired, they would snooze if needed, but otherwise my DCs 'zoned out' for at least half an hour.
Nannies do need a break.

Doglikeafox · 28/07/2017 12:43

I'm a childminder, so a slightly different set up as I am not employed and instead parents choose to use my services. I have a 3 year old with me who's parents recently decided to drop naps. I was pretty surprised as the child is with me 10 hours a day and is usually TOTALLY ready for nap time by lunch. Regardless, I agreed to give it a go. The first day she was fine... until she fell asleep at 3pm in the afternoon and I had to physically (gently obviously) shake her to wake her up. The next day, she was incredibly weepy at 2pm and asking me to go to sleep. The third day, I let parents know that we would have to come to a compromise. I don't encourage the child to nap, or put her down for a nap unless she specifically asks for one. I give her the choice. 9 times out of 10 she will say no, and then ask to go to bed about 15 mins into nap time
She only has 45 mins but it really is essential for her. Parents were happy with my decision, but a bit aghast because at home she doesn't nap and doesn't struggle to get through the day at all! My house is quite a bit more stimulating though I'd imagine.
What I'm trying to say is that I think if the Nanny has a good reason for thinking your daughter needs her nap I would agree. She is a professional and her opinion must count for something, just like yours does. I wouldn't worry about her starting preschool- it is a different setting with a different routine and your child will be fine. I'd be very surprised if they didn't have a quiet corner or nap area anyway.
Finally, I would NOT be happy if I was your nanny and felt that you were dropping by to check I was doing as you had asked. You should be able to ask her at home time if DD had a nap, and trust whatever answer she gives you. If you don't trust her then I can't see how the relationship is working on either side.

Original poster

K1092902 · 28/07/2017 12:49

Nanny works no more than 8 hours a day. If she is babysitting that night then she will finish about 4pm and come back at 7.30 when we have put DD to bed.

She does use DDs nap as a "break time" and I don't have an issue with that at all at the moment because there isn't anything usually for her to do so I won't complain if she sits and watches 1/2 hour telly or sits on her phone. Likewise when is babysitting.

She will be going to preschool 9am-3pm.

I may suggest we do it gradually- but now I've done a few days with her having no naps will this not confuse her and be counter productive?

Maybe a compromise and DD sits with her iPad for half an hour?

OP posts:

Original poster

K1092902 · 28/07/2017 12:51

I will hold my hands up and admit IBU on checking on her. She is amazing and we have a good relationship so I really don't want to rock the boat

OP posts:

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 12:57

What's the point of hiring a nanny and then not taking her advice? She wants your DD to take the nap so she can get a breather - I presume she has sleep trained, potty trained your daughter and also treats her well. If you want to keep her let her have her break - it's possible your daughter might treat her very differently than you & goes to her for every little thing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2017 12:59

I think you're trying to control the situation a bit too much. I get it, you're anxious about preschool. But she's only 3. Just let her do what she needs to do. Perhaps what your dd is doing with the nanny is more stimulating than what she does with you. There will be no confusion for her. I'd suggest the approach given by Doglikeafox. As I said, in all likelihood your dd will be more likely to want a nap the days she doesn't go to preschool. Children drop their naps without the carefully planned intervention you are suggesting. And I used Gina Ford for dd btw from about 8 weeks because her sleep wake cycle was a disaster so I know all about planning.

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 28/07/2017 13:01

I will hold my hands up and admit IBU on checking on her.
Actually, I don't think you are at all! You can pop back for some convenient reason, you don't have to declare that you're checking up, but I struggle to see why anyone who is taking good care of a child would mind you dropping by, especially your own house?
I used to pop into my DCs nursery to drop off something I somehow forgot, every few months, just to see what was happening when they weren't expecting parents. I was always happy with what I saw, but I'm not ashamed I checked.

I had previously visited another nursery (to see if it was a place I'd use), where the owner was v charming, but a 3 year old followed us crying, through the building, for a whole 30 minute visit, and was never even acknowledged ( I suggested I'd be fine if she needed to look after the child, but she said no!). That made me really curious about what is happening between drop off and pick up time :-(.

alltouchedout · 28/07/2017 13:10

and DD while she is a little grumpy towards the end of the day seems to be coping OK.

If she's grumpy towards the end of the day and this is out of character for her and has started since you began to drop the nap, she isn't coping OK- she's too tired and she needs that nap.

DixieNormas · 28/07/2017 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heygirlheyboy · 28/07/2017 13:23

Siding with you? Strange way to out it. Sounds like your lo needs that nap. My ds dropped it himself around the 3 mark and even then he found it very tough for a month after but absolutely fine in Montessori a month later again. I'd leave her and she'll cope in preschool I'll bet. Team Nanny here! ;)

Veterinari · 28/07/2017 13:24

I don't understand why 30 minutes of screen time is preferable to a refreshing nap?

I'm an adult and I need to nap some days. It's likely your DD won't need to nap every day - it will depend on her activity and sleep quality - this won't be any more confusing than having slight variations in mealtimes or activities each day. Children are flexible.

As PP said you prob need to relax control a bit

Excited101 · 28/07/2017 13:25

Oh ffs just let her sleep! What's the problem?! When she starts preschool she just won't have one 3 days a week, that's all there is to it.

Leave your poor nanny alone, and YABVU to check on her- she'll know that's what you're doing no matter how you dress it up.

Doglikeafox · 28/07/2017 13:29

One other thing worth mentioning. If she's a bit grumpy and tired towards the end of the day then during that time she isn't experiencing as much, learning as many things, exploring and playing at optimum capacity, so to speak.
I always recommend keeping naps for as long as you can for this very reason.

diddl · 28/07/2017 13:30

When do you have her & when does the Nanny have her?

Tbh if the effects are that the Nanny doesn't get a break & lo is grumpy-why change things?

Cinnamon12345 · 28/07/2017 13:33

I still need naps occasionally..

wejammin · 28/07/2017 13:36

Can you agree to "quiet time" which is what we do with DD who is just 3 and still needs a nap some days. She stays in her room with jigsaws, picture books, dolls etc, sometimes I will go in and find she's got into her pjs and gone to sleep, other times she will be happily playing for an hour or so.

I don't screen time as an alternative because it's stimulating, not relaxing, and she wouldn't go to sleep even if she was exhausted.

Tilapia · 28/07/2017 13:57

I agree with posters saying that there will probably be a 'quiet corner' at pre school and they won't be surprised if your DD drops off for a little nap - it's quite common for children to still need a nap at this age.

Callaird · 28/07/2017 21:22

I'm a nanny, m current charge is almost 4 and still naps (I've looked after 33 children full time, none of the other went this long!) He cannot cope without a nap for more than a day, two days with no nap and he is a sobbing wreak by 5pm. He really needs to nap. If my boss told me to drop it, I would tell her it's not fair and that it may back fire anyway, I believe that sleep breeds sleep, the more they have the more they need, if he goes more than two days without a nap, he gets over tired and so cannot sleep when out to bed and will wake early in the morning. He starts pre school in September and is going 5 mornings but if he were doing 2/3 afternoons I would still let him nap on the days he didn't go if he needed it.

I would question it but if she insisted then I'd stop him having a nap, but I would also tell her if he had been a misery.

Moanyoldcow · 28/07/2017 21:28

If they're sleeping pretty much 12 hours overnight with a nap it sounds to me like they still need one.

Preschool will sort it naturally - I don't really think you need to force it.

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