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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare issues!

25 replies

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 28/07/2017 08:40

I would like to preface by saying I am lucky and so grateful that I have a lot more support than most.
I have to return to work in September. I'm a teacher so school hours. The same hours every week. I have NO flexibility here.
Four family members have offered to have DD while I'm working and I was going to have her in nursery for the rest of the time.

I am now trying to sort out who is having her when but nobody will commit to times or days so I can't book her in at nursery. I don't mind if people say they don't want to do it anymore but they aren't doing that. They are still talking about it but refusing to say which days. If they don't want to do it I understand completely and wouldn't hold it against them I just need to know so I can book her in nursery.
I am so petrified that we won't get this sorted and I'll have a day when I have work and no one to have her!
It doesn't help that DH has decided this is nothing to do with him Angry. He's going to be working away so sees it as my issues. Again I'm happy to be told IABU as many people have no one offering support.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 28/07/2017 08:42

Tell then u need confirmation if days by Monday or your booking dc into nursery instead - simple

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 28/07/2017 08:46

I'd just book her into nursery I think 4 different family members and hours you can't change is a recipe for disaster.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/07/2017 08:46

Just book into nursery/registered childminder and be done with it. You have peace of mind that your child care is steady and consistent.

ShutUpBaz · 28/07/2017 08:46

Just book her into nursery. Family childcare is a fickle thing anyway.

Brittbugs80 · 28/07/2017 08:47

Have you got a space at the nursery already? From a Nursery point of view, it would be better to book her in for all your days at work then drop days, as this is usually easier than trying to add days, due to ratios and availability. Once you've done this, I'd then send a text to all who offered and say they have until X date to confirm which days they can definitely do, if you don't hear off them, she stays in nursery.

I know it's a pain in the bum having to pay for nursery and that you should be grateful for offers of free childcare but I've been in the position where it's been offered, but not actually meant and I've had the stress.of trying to find a nursery with space as someone thought it was a casual offer that they didn't expect to be taken up on!

And if your DH says it's not his problem because he's working away, that's fine, he can pay the bill as he doesn't want to get involved in sorting out the arrangements in the first place.

fuckingroundabout · 28/07/2017 08:48

wow your oh is an arse its his child too

Dumdedumdum · 28/07/2017 08:50

I would work on your dh problem too. Will sickness days be nothing to do with him too? If you divorce he'll find a lot of things become nothing to do with him in a way he might not like!
The family members can possibly provide back up care. When she is at school they might be willing to do after school sessions - less of a comitrment.
Four people (four houses?) is too much for your dd anyway.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 28/07/2017 08:52

Have you already got a place at nursery btw?

colonelgoldfish · 28/07/2017 08:53

I'm a teacher too with 2 DC in childcare.

I think you need to nail down days that they want to commit to. Have a frank discussion and make it clear you need to know what day they are going to do otherwise you will have to book childcare.

Although, the fact they're not getting the need for commitment would make me anxious about being left in the lurch at a moments notice on work days.

We had a few offers from family but decided in the end it was just easier to put both DC into nursery as it would always be open. They've really thrived as well so was the right decision for us (although very expensive!).

Original poster
PeggyPatchandPoppy · 28/07/2017 09:03

She has a place at the nursery. Luckily the baby room has lots of spaces but obviously I do need to tell them which days. If I put her in for five at first will be able to drop some later on?

OP posts:
ElizabethShaw · 28/07/2017 09:06

Find a full time nursery/childminder space and use family for back up on all the days she is ill!

RandomMess · 28/07/2017 09:07

Yes book her in for all 5 and with notice yes you can drop days. If they are being this flakey now I would just stick to nursery and let family help out in other ways, sounds like you will need it with your H attitude!

kaytey · 28/07/2017 09:09

The trouble with family offering childcare is that, when they are ill or want to go on holiday or something else comes up and they bail - what are you supposed to do?
If you can afford nursery then I would say do that and treat family members as back-up .
We recently went through a similar situation with my MIL and ultimately decided to put little one in nursery the extra day once the spot opened up - Brittbugs80 is right - they don't always have a space available last minute which was what kept happening to us - we both work full-time so our holidays are precious and we didn't want to have to keep using them on odd mid-week days.
MIL was a bit upset at first but we've told her to go and pick him up from nursery whenever she wants, or to have him on my 'work from home' day.

qumquat · 28/07/2017 09:11

Like others have said just book her in to nursery. If they are this flakey already it does not bode well! Also I don't think a succession of different carers on different days is ideal.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 28/07/2017 09:12

Yes, you'll be able to drop days later on, but check their terms. Ours asks for 4 weeks notice.

Babbitywabbit · 28/07/2017 09:13

No way would i want my baby being cared for by 4 different family members plus nursery. Where is the consistency for your child? And the stress levels for you, not knowing if care is going to be there til the last minute!

What makes returning to work go smoothly is consistent, reliable care. Which usually costs- a lot. But it's worth is because this is about your precious child. Relying on family can be fraught with problems and you only have to read MN to know if often comes with strings attached, or people offer but then realise that they don't want to be tied down.

And fgs get your dh on board. She's his child as much as yours

QuiteLikely5 · 28/07/2017 09:15

Absolutely ridiculous situation. The fact is they don't want to commit to doing it which is exactly why they won't give you a day.

Send a group text stating that as no one has given you any definitive days then you have now registered her full time in the nursery

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 28/07/2017 09:17

If I put her in for five at first will be able to drop some later on?

Very nicely, how do we, your avid readers know what your nursery policies are? phone them and ask.

WhatEaglesWear · 28/07/2017 09:18

Speaking as a teacher, the job is stressful enough without worrying about childcare!

Speaking as someone who formally used family for childcare for part of the week, I would absolutely say DON'T DO IT!

Book dc into nursery and be done with it!

KittyVonCatsington · 28/07/2017 09:18

And don't forget that settling her in will be much easier and quicker if she is there more days and consistently each week. If she chops and changes her days due to your family members inconsistencies, she will find it much harder (and so will you).

Could you instead have your four family members on 'standby' if your DD is ever ill and can't go into nursery? As a teacher, that would be invaluable as it is so so difficult to get time off for that.

Original poster
PeggyPatchandPoppy · 28/07/2017 09:27

StillDriving I don't know why you commented just to be nasty. I'm upset enough about the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeggyPatchandPoppy · 28/07/2017 09:30

I was happy enough to send her to nursery to begin with it was my DM/MIL who wasn't happy about her being in nursery every day. But when I take her on Monday I will book her in every day.

OP posts:
Babbitywabbit · 28/07/2017 09:36

Sounds like you need to get your dh on board and present a united front as the parents. This is a decision for the two of you, not for extended family members who will have their own agenda going on. Fwiw my MIL made a passing remark- just the once!- along the lines of 'oh dear it's a shame you have to go back to work so soon dear, but i suppose mortgages and things are so much more costly than in my day.' Looking back i can see that her experience was coloured by not having had opportunities... she'd always had a job rather than a career, and in her day it would have been very rare for mothers to continue in work anyway. She just had no understanding of anything different.

Stand firm; book your childcare and relax in the knowledge you've got proper consistent care from the get go

swingofthings · 28/07/2017 09:38

I faced this every year for the summer holidays. To try to avoid cutting down on cost, I worked things out with two other mums swapping our kids. However, trying to get dates from them, then dates -limited to 4 or 5- from ex, to working this out with work colleagues as we all had to cover each other was an absolute nightmare and gave me many sleepless nights!

We did get better each years though! Firstly, I stopped expecting anything from ex! Then I printed a calendar 6 weeks before hols, wrote down the days I was suggesting being off and looking after friends' kids and shared with both of them. We agreed to have a definite schedule 3 weeks before end of term and with some back and forth, we got there. I could then ask ex if he could have them specific dates -limited to 4 to avoid his whinging!- and if I didn't have confirmation 2 weeks before end of term, I just booked the holiday club.

Still, I didn't realise how stressful it all was until the youngest started secondary school and they could stay home alone or go to clubs on their own!

ChocolateRicecake · 28/07/2017 09:52

Yeah book her in for every day and then you don't have to worry.

If relatives subsequently realise the importance of planning, you can always drop nursery days; baby being 'unavailable' might make see sense.

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