TO think it's all going to shit anyway . I May as well give up

[LEMtheoriginal]

I have had anxiety for about 10 years - probably longer. I was starting to get my life together and felt I was doing well but now its spiralling out of control and I want it to stop.

What is the point of me trying?

I took on a job last year - low pay but I love it (I'm over qualified and my dp thinks I should get a better paid job .oh and work fewer hours so I'm home for dd 12 more) I was planning on attending college to gain a professional qualification which whilst enabling me to do more won't affect the pay as even though I'm paid low wage I get more than contemporaries as our employer was always fair - So it was a nice safe interesting job for me. Actually quite stressful in itself but in a positive way. But our company has been sold to a corporate and as a consequence the training will come at a price - resulting in significant loss of earnings. Circa £200 a month without overtime which will also be lost. So potentially £400 a month based on this month. I only take home 1200 as it is so can't afford to drop - so I doubt I'll train and I'm devastated. This was so much more than a job for me it has been my saviour and security blanket. Our new employers are proving to be flaky at best.

So despite me clawing my way back it has been taken away.

Then my grown up dd is breaking my heart - addicted to gaming. Won't leave her flat. Hardly talks to me and now threatening to go NC because I try to get her gel. She lives with her partner who can't see a problem and I'm watching her throw her life away.

My mother is elderly and beyond difficult -last week she called an ambulance because I refused to take her to the hospital so she could complain about her gp as she thinks he has given her the wrong antibiotics -she lied and said she had chest pains This is just one example of how she manipulates me - But I'm an only child and the rest of her family won't have anything to do with her because of how she behaves so it's just me.

I was sobbing on my 12yo dd yesterday about her older sister because I have no one to turn to She was wise beyond her years and I'll probably fuck her up like I have her sister.

My dp is no longer supportive as I have been pathetic for so long it is pretty much unsaid that he has had enough of counselling me.

and the pathetic last straw is that we are supposed to be camping next week and torrential rain is forecast. I am trying to be positive but I just can't muster enthusiasm for trying to jolly dp and dd along with two wet bastarding dogs.

I woke up this morning -i really didn't want to

*help not gel!!! She needs help because I can see history repeating itself

You have an awful lot on your shoulders, have you spoken to your GP about it all?

Are you having any therapy to work through your anxiety? It sounds as if you take on a huge amount of responsibility, your mother and to a large extent your adult daughter are not your responsibility, and are living their lives the way they choose. Yes it's horrible to see your children make mistakes but you don't have the power to save them. With your job, do you still love the bit you're doing now, if you forgot about your dh's pressure for you to earn more/do more qualifications? Are the "shoulds" ruining what is?

You have so much going on, it's really tough with anxiety too.

Does your DP pull his weight? Does he care for you?

You are running around trying to look after everyone else and forgetting that you are important too. You really are just as important as everyone else.

I understand that the anxiety feeds this behaviour too, you end up so worried what will happen if you don't keep all your plates spinning that you become frantic.

You like your job, so don't add further stress by trying to change your job right now. It's disappointing about the training, but things might change.

It sounds like it's your mum that has fixed you in this role of rescuer. It is rarely as easy as saying just stop looking after everyone. For me (also with anxiety) I gradually stepped back a little, and worked on being really really kind to myself. It's bloody hard work, but really worth it. Start to ask others to do small things to help.

Be careful not to turn your DD (12) into a rescuer too.

Not recently - I've been off medication for six months and doing well using exercise to counter my anxiety.

I don't think I have any more to cope with than others but I'm just not very good at coping.

What is killing me the most is watching my dd fall apart and totally helpless to support her but until she asks for help I can't force it on her. My dp says I'm pushing her away and need to give her space but it's so hard. I cry every day about it - I wasn't the best mum. I was young but she had a good life and was close to my parents who spoilt her rotten. As did I when I could afford it. She had everything she ever wanted But I was so anxious even then I wouldn't allow myself to get too close as I was terrified of losing her. I LOVED HER so much though I just struggled to show it.

I Ajmer that your mum and adult dd are not your responsibility.that sounds very harsh but for your own sanity you cannot keep pandering to them. The fact your mum called an ambulance is nothing to do with you. She has fallen out with the rest if her family -if she wants your help she needs to accept your advice.

I don't understand the job thing- why are they taking 400 a month from your wages, rather than 200? Can you afford to carry on with this wage until you have trained?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time op.

I'm no expert but it sounds like your first stop should be the gp. He or she may be able to prescribe something that will "pause" the anxiety long enough to give you a break, and the strength to tackle all the issues you are juggling. Would some counselling help? Perhaps you could opt out of the holiday next week and just take some time out for yourself if your do wouldn't mind taking your 12 yr old away by himself?

When you are feeling on better form, break the list of things down in to manageable chunks.After that, I would try and tackle the issues one by one. It's such a shame about your job. You say you doubt you'll train but after you certain? Have you looked in to alternative possibilities? If the firm you work for is no longer the same, this could be the "push" you need to train for that qualification and change employers.

Your mother and daughter you can't change (unless they are willing to do so themse!lves) but you can change how you react to them eg put boundaries in place saying "I love you but I am not longer prepared to .....".

And you say it goes without saying that your do is fed up with you, but have you talked to him properly about this? You may just be thinking the worst, or he may be more supportive when he knows you are seeking help from the gp. You can do it op

Xpost. Sorry it took so long to write that, that I didn't see you had been on ads and come off them? Do you think you need to take them again maybe?

Sounds very hard i think you should see Gp for help. With your job could you stay in current position for say a year to see how things go with the new company and then revisit the idea of doing the training? Have you looked in to if you took the pay cut to do the training would you be entitled to any top up benifits? Sorry not sure on how long training takes but if not too long could you cut back as much as you can to allow for pay cut. Things sound very hard with your mum and daughter. Do you think your daughter is depressed? I do really think you should go to Gp today and explain what is going on and get some help you have so much going on right now. Do you have any other family or friends that could help and support you.

A d sorry again for typod!

Argh, typos!!

The job situation sounds horribly stressful and your partner sounds unsupportive, there's no doubt about that. However, I don't understand why you are trying to force things with your daughter. What does 'trying to make her gel' mean? She's a grown woman, what makes you think she's 'addicted to gaming'? Is it hindering her work, putting her in a lot of debt? You must stop emotionally dumping on your younger daughter as well, it's too much for young shoulders. As for your mother, she obviously sees you as a doormat. Have you asked social services to assess her? Perhaps if she had some help, she would give you a break.

Speaking to your GP would certainly be the first step, then perhaps everything else will fall into place.

i don't think I have more to cope with than others but I'm just not very good at coping

This jumped out at me. I can relate to this,
I have thought this of myself over the years. Still do sometimes.

My counsellor helped me see that actually, yes, I was taking on a lot of responsibilities for all those around me, and actually this is very draining.

As another poster up thread said, try to be kind to yourself, even if it's bloody hard.

And go to your GP to ask for some help.

Meanwhile have some hugs from me as well.

How old is the adult daughter and did she get A levels and/or go to university?

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, I recognise your username as someone who is funny and kind and gives good advice.

The reason for keeping going is your 12 year old. You know already you need to stop telling her your worries about her big sister. Post on mumsnet, get a therapist, but don't overburden her. Start telling her "x will be fine, she's safe and happy and we'll be there for x when she needs us, just like I'll always be there for you if you need us".

Then say the same thing to yourself. Your older dd may not be living the life you want her to be, but she is safe and making her own choices - or at least busy and engaged. I'm assuming it's online multi player games? If so they are designed to be addictive, but enjoyable and rewarding and there is often a community of friends associated with the people who play together. There are worse addictions to have (glib, but she's not out on the streets trying to score drugs, shagging strangers, physically self harming etc).

You know already you can't make your dd stop or change her behaviour and human nature being what it is, the more you tell/beg/threaten, the more she'll be determined to carry on. You'll also make it less likely she'll be able to turn to you if she does want to change in the future, as she'll feel the loss of face. You need to tell her you recognise she is an adult, that, whilst as her mum you'll always worry about her, you love her and respect her choices are hers to make.

I find that mindfulness techniques like headspace are good for anxiety. The 10 minutes a day doesn't seem life changing, but overall I end up calmer and more positive /energetic. Then you have to develop your own mantras. Tell yourself that you were the best mother you could be, it's her life to choose etc. Focus on being kind to yourself and trying to be the best mother you can be for your dds (especially the little one who will have more immediate needs).

Regarding the job... It's shit they've changed the goalposts on you, make a list of the pros and cons of it and dispassionately decide if you want to look for a new job. If so, what aspects would you like it to have. Remind yourself that in the meantime you have a job where you know the ropes and that pays the bills.

Good luck.

As an outsider looking in, the thing that strikes me is that you may need to stop trying to change other people and let them live with the consequences of their own lives.

Your mother is old enough to make her own decisions. Let her make them, and relieve yourself of the stresses of trying to manage her. This is not your fault.

Your eldest daughter is old enough to do the same. Step back. This is not your fault.

Look for a new job, sod this lot. No one wants a flaky employer. Time to move on. The opportunities you had there have gone. Not your fault.

Your husband... Well what do you want to do there?

Camping. Sack it off. Find an alternative that doesn't make you feel sad.

Anxiety. See the GP and think about going back on the meds. Don't be ashamed of taking pills, lots of us do it for all sorts of reasons. Have you ever had counselling? CBT might help you to keep back some you for you, rather than being the person who gives everything for others and has nothing left for themself.

You have been very strong for everyone else here. What about you?

Have you had more anxiety since stopping the medication? If so, there's no harm or shame in going back on them.

I take ads for anxiety long term, there's no immediate plan to come off. It's absolutely fine. Take all the help you can get.

You can Choose a different GP in the practice If you're not happy with your registered GP. As another poster said, it's not ideal that your eldest DD is addicted to gaming but it is common in that age group (my eldest DD is too) and there are far worse situations she could be in.

thank you everyone for the kind words.

I Know I have to step back 're dd1 but it's so hard. She is scared to leave her flat and lives in a bubble of online gaming just as leeloo says. The issue is that her friends are American so she sleeps all day and games all night. Her partner works and supports them both and seems to feel she will "get bored".

I totally agree regarding dd2 it was almost surreal the say she stepped up to comfort me yesterday. She is young for her age yet the maturity she showed yesterday amazed me.

My dp loves me and is amazing in every way although cannot anymore deal with emotional breakdowns as he suffered a lot when I was really unwell with anxiety after dd2 was born. he is a good man but I need emotional support.