Looking after Relatives

[TvTan]

OK, here goes. NC cos not sure who uses site and don't want to share post history with the daily mail.

We were asked months ago to look after DH's Grandma overnight whilst his auntie goes to a wedding. (His DM dead.) We said yes, she has mild dementia but no problem. We have a spare room. Weekly phonecalls to ask if still ok to do it. Yes we say.

A week ago I find I have to attend a course for DD, about potty training and sleep as part of her ADOS assessment. This course is on the same day as the wedding from 4pm while 8pm. No problem, grandma being picked up by DH on way home from work. My parents sorted to look after DD until he gets home. I will be home in time to put grandma to bed. She needs dressing and undressing.

All fine I think. I tell auntie about course as soon as I know. Still fine. Still fine last night.
The wedding is soon btw.

I got another call this afternoon. The grandma will be better staying in her home (auntie's home). OK, I say. I can't stay over. I am on course and DD in bed by 7 as per routine, but DH certainly will.

Apparently this is not OK. I have to get her undressed. I suggest asking my parents to stay with DD longer I will drive to her house. Put grandma to bed and then come home. I will go back in the morning.

I get a phone call from cousin telling me I have had enough notice and to cancel the course. No I say, I have to attend course. I will do as outlined since we were expecting grandma here.

I get messages telling me someone else is doing it now. That I am unreasonable for having to do the course which would take months to rearrange. They made it quite clear I am pathetic (and thought I was lying) for wanting to attend the course Also that we are no longer invited to a party which was arranged and we do not bother to see grandma enough. We saw her a month ago.

Given I had thought we were hosting grandma and that I tried to make alternative arrangements. AIBU to think I don't deserve this backlash? And also, that my DD's diagnosis is more important than a wedding?

DH has tried to call auntie to tell her that we are a bit amazed but no answer.

Entitled fuckers.

Your poor gm is at the mercy of these people!!
Go visit her and see of she is happy to stay with you. . Would be betting she is.

YANBU - you are right to attend your course, and you have offered two different alternative arrangements.

Yanbu at all.

However, if this is out of character for your DH Auntie, I would try to cut her some slack as full time caring is very, very tough and perhaps there is other stuff going on for her that will become apparent.

With other family members, just keep saying that you were expecting Grandma at yours, had everything worked out and were prepared to work around things.

YANBU, at all! You have been VVR in fact. Just ignore twat cousin or ask why they couldn't do it instead, cheeky fuckers never like having the tables turned on them. Tell everyone else they bitch to that Grandma was coming to yours, everything was arranged then the goalposts were moved and you couldn't be in two places at once.

Whilst YANBU about the course, I don't think aunty is being unreasonable either. People with dementia can be incredibly difficult when disoriented so I'm not surprised they want you to have her in her own home. And caring is incredibly stressful, I suspect aunty is really looking forward to the wedding (and the break) and feels a bit let down by you.

I know caring is tough, it sounds hard but it was her decision to move grandma into her home. Sell grandmas house and get a new kitchen and conservatory. Auntie has form for stuff like this. Hence me making things very clear.

Cousin is a bridesmaid at wedding.