AIBU To finally shut up shop at the 'hotel with benefits'?
namechange4now · 27/07/2017 17:28
Sooo I have been with my husband for over 13 years, married for 3(I think!).
I wouldn't say DH is the usual stereo typical mans man in the sense that he goes out to work then heads straight to the pub not to be seen until the wee hours BUT he does nothing other than go to work, come home, eat his tea, try it on with me and then sleep.
He doesn't sort his own finances because 'he can't...he's not very good at it'(his words not mine) so his wages have been going into my account for years. Hes only had a proper bank account since last year because I went online and opened him one but when I told him to change it with work he said no because he doesn't want to. Yet he plays the woe is me card frequently because he never gets anything even though he works .
He spends most of his time shouting at the kids about their rooms being untidy or they have left their pj's from that morning on the floor but venture around his side of the bed and there is a massive pile of dirty washing which has accumulated over the week which he seems to save until the weekend when I have an empty basket then fills it up and walks away. Tools on the kitchen worktops from 3 weeks ago etc etc.
The amount of arguments we have had over the years because he never cleans up after himself are ridiculous but he always manages to turn it back on me because I didn't 'ask him nicely' to do it or I'm never happy when he does?. I seriously don't believe I have to do cart wheels because he has managed to do what most others have been doing for years, is this wrong???
Just to add...I am a SAHM but I have worked 60 hour weeks and he has never been any different, he just worked HARDER than me at that time.
He needs to spend time on his hobbies at a weekend because he needs to socialise, I have days when I can't even string together a bloody sentence together because I have nobody to speak to.
I think the eye opener came the other day following a chat I had with my 12 year old son after he complained that he had to make himself a sandwich. When I asked him how he would manage when he was older and had a place of his own he casually told me 'I'll be OK, my wife will do it'.
AIBU to think sod this shit, get a job, do the minimum required and let him fend for himself in all ways possible even though there is a huge possibility that my Dc will just end up doing most of what I do instead?
Butterymuffin · 27/07/2017 17:45
Stop doing the things you do for him in via house (laundry, finances). Surely he won't expect the kids to do those?
Oh and get up early and go out on a weekend so that he either has to take the kids to his hobbies or look after them. No reason for you to be on duty all weekend because you're SAHP in the week.
namechange4now · 27/07/2017 17:50
Buttery I have gone on strike before and yes he shouts the kids to do it. As for the finances they would probably go to shit. I did say to him in the past what would happen if I didn't want to do it any more and he said the bills probably wouldn't get paid because he would spend it on the car.
I have tried to leave several times in the past but he won't let me take the DC and he wont leave either. I can't leave my Dc they are my world. So what to do?
Greyponcho · 27/07/2017 18:02
A grown man who can't manage his finances or clean up after himself and has no family involvement (shouting at the kids doesn't count!)... he's a grumpy teenager (you know the ones who can't do any housework because they've been at school all day, which is tiring don't you know?) & you're his mummy.
He needs to get a grip
Butterymuffin · 27/07/2017 18:07
Make plans to leave, wait till he's out, then go. Nothing he can do. Get advice from Women's Aid on this. Plus then he'll be motivated to sort out finances as his wages get paid into your account (does he have a cash card or access to it?) For that same reason he also won't be able to spend bill money on the car.
MajesticWhine · 27/07/2017 18:08
The only thing you can change is your own behaviour. Stop doing things for him.
I went back to work full time last year after some time at home and to be fair, DH has stepped up - a bit. He realises he has to deal with his own shirts, do his fair share of school pick ups and other school related activities, make his own sandwich, etc. I no longer feel like I have to do everything just because I'm at home more and no longer feel guilty about having time out for my hobbies at the weekend. It's great.
DeleteOrDecay · 27/07/2017 18:15
He's a man child. Of course he could sort his own finances if he wanted to. If you left him tomorrow he'd have no choice.
There's no bigger turn off than a man who can't carry out basic self care. I'm not 100% sure re: leaving but could you contact Women's Aid for advice? Start getting your ducks in a row.
timeisnotaline · 27/07/2017 18:27
You could not do any of his washing for a start, and clean his stuff e.g. Tools on the bench by putting them on his side of the bed. Say I don't understand why you're talking about I didn't ask you. Who asks an adult to do this kind of thing? Do people ask you to remember to wipe your bottom at work?
Also, make sure you are teaching the kids all the basic life skills. Don't let them turn into this.
But really I think you should leave. With the kids. The bank account is yours - rent a place and go.
namechange4now · 27/07/2017 18:28
Delete that is exactly what I think it is like I gained another child not a partner!
I left the last load of washing he brought down in the washing basket it has been there since Saturday, he has another pile mounting up at the side of the bed. We are due to go on holiday in 2 days most of his clothes are in those piles. I haven't made his tea for 3 nights and he asked me yesterday whats the matter because I have been off with him. When I told him I'm fine just help himself to what ever he wanted out of the cupboard he looked at me like I had grown another head!
His shit is piled everywhere and that's after 6 days and I ain't gonna ask or tell him it can just stay there no matter how much it pisses me off.
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/07/2017 18:30
I had a husband exactly like you've described OP. So much so that I double checked that this wasn't an old zombie thread of mine!
Do you want to know where the snapping point was in my marriage? He had an affair with a work colleague - because I "was always on at him & she (the OW) only says nice things to me." Basically, he didn't want to be asked to pick his own pants up or clean his own skid marks off the loo.
Free yourself now OP, life is so much more rewarding without someone like this in it.
namechange4now · 27/07/2017 18:35
He has told me in the past that if I wasn't here he would manage, it was so nice to know that if I wasn't around everything would be manageable for him . Well bugger it! I think it's time he managed. Can I change the bank account with his employer or does it have to come from him? Guess I will find out.
namechange4now · 27/07/2017 18:49
Santa The cheeky shit! Funnily enough there are friends of his...actually everyone who thinks he's a swell guy give me funny looks like I am the wife from hell .
I can actually remember a young lady who lived across the road from us in a previous address (the daughter of a friend of his at work) who sat having a fag and laughing because he pushed me outside and locked me out of the house during an argument. What was the argument about? He wouldn't do anything to help me with Ds who was 12 months at the time, wouldn't pay his half of the rent, I was working full time, decorating etc in spare time and he was always across the road helping her because she was a single mother with a dick head ex.
AdoraBell · 27/07/2017 18:54
Get a job, leave and switch banks, many of them pay £100 -ish if you close an account and they do all the paperwork to make sure direct debits get moved over. So if your current bills are paid by DD from your account you'll need to cancel those.
As for DS attitude, tell him the world outside his family doesn't work like that.
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