AIBU to feel guilty all the time
sunflower1022 · 27/07/2017 17:24
Hi everyone, apologies if I am posting in the wrong place, my head is really muddled and I could do with some advice.
It's a really long story and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but basically I have always had a very rocky relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to slap a label on her and call her a narcissist, although I do recognise a lot of the traits in her.
My younger sister was/is being treated totally different by my parents. It's always been that way, ever since I can remember. Despite that, I have always doted on her.
I have had episodes of no contact with my parents in the past and it has always been me trying to make amends and reach out.
We fell out in 2015 again. My mother initiated an argument (again) and said some very hurtful things to me. My father, as usual, took her side. I left their house that night because I just could not stand listening to them anymore, it felt like they were slowly breaking me.
A few months later, I fell pregnant. I did not want to call my parents; it wasn't out of spite or because I was being childish; I just literally could not bring myself to call them. I did tell my sister and she said I ought to tell them; I said I couldn't but if she wanted to she could. She said she would not do that because it wasn't her place.
Anyway, I ended up having a miscarriage and as it so happens the appointment at the hospital fell on the day of my mother's birthday. I didn't know if I was going to need a D&C, so I phoned my sister up the day before and told her to say Happy Birthday to my mother for me and that I would call when I got back from the hospital.
Well I didn't need the procedure, but when I got back home I could not face calling my mother. I can't explain it.
My sister told my parents about the miscarriage and the appointment and I was hoping (stupid me!!) they might contact me. Nope. Their reply to my sister was that I obviously didn't want them to know, otherwise I would have told them when I was pregnant.
As I had come off my antidepressants when I found out I was pregnant, I sunk into a deep depression. I could not stop crying and it did not help that I was not working and knew nobody in England where we lived. I should probably mention that I am German and my parents and sister and all my family live over there.
My husband thought it would be a good idea to move up to Edinburgh, where he is from originally and where his family live. Luckily he could get a transfer within his company and we moved up last September.
I like being up here and closer to his family who really do support me a lot.
However I am still struggling with everything else. I feel like I have lost all my confidence (not that I had that much to being with) and I just want to hide indoors all the time.
Things got really bad at the beginning of the year and my husband took me to see the GP who referred me to the Crisis Team. I have since seen the CPN once a week and I am on the waiting list to see a Psychologist.
Sorry, this is so much longer than I had intended! I basically want to know if there is anyone else out there who has no contact with their parents/family and feels enormous guilt? Will that ever go away?
On top of it all my uncle passed away in April and my parents didn't even tell me.
Thank you for listening.
Theonethingididntwant · 27/07/2017 17:34
I have had similar situations with family (the uncle passing away and not being told/fixing out in a dreadful way rings true for me).
I think you need to talk to your GP about CBT if you haven't tried that already. It really helped me so I'm hoping it may improve things for you too.
Depression tends to come about for me in waves. Sometimes I can be okay. Others I am not.
You are not alone in these feelings and whilst they will not necessarily replace your own family, your husband seems to have the right idea in making sure you have support.
Don't feel guilty about relying on him and his family. They are your family too.
Your own family may come around eventually but until then, you need to focus on yourself and those who are currently there for you.
for you and I hope you can come back when you need help and find strength in yourself/your husband.
sunflower1022 · 27/07/2017 17:46
Thank you for your kind words Theonething.
It is so hard sometimes isn't it? I worry that something will happen to my parents while we are not speaking and if I would be able to live with myself.
Both my husband and the CPN keep saying that it works both ways; that they should worry about me too and pick up the phone or write to me.
I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I know I can't keep looking backwards as they are making me ill (and have done for a long time), but I can't seem to move forward either.
My CPN has said CBT would probably help me, but when I had my assessment with the Psychologist he said CBT would not be the right approach (still waiting for an appointment). So I have no idea.
for you too
caddywally · 27/07/2017 20:16
I've never been in your situation and I'm not very great with advice, but it sounds like you're having a very tough time so I wanted to give your thread a bump in case anyone else on here can be more helpful than me. For what it's worth, you really shouldn't feel guilty - as you said, it works both ways and they are able to initiate contact with you. I know that letting go of guilt is easier said than done sometimes.
I hope things improve for you, and if you stick at things with your CPN I'm sure you will find something that helps you deal with this. Be kind to yourself in the meantime and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
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