Hi everyone, apologies if I am posting in the wrong place, my head is really muddled and I could do with some advice.
It's a really long story and I don't want to bore you with all the details, but basically I have always had a very rocky relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to slap a label on her and call her a narcissist, although I do recognise a lot of the traits in her.
My younger sister was/is being treated totally different by my parents. It's always been that way, ever since I can remember. Despite that, I have always doted on her.
I have had episodes of no contact with my parents in the past and it has always been me trying to make amends and reach out.
We fell out in 2015 again. My mother initiated an argument (again) and said some very hurtful things to me. My father, as usual, took her side. I left their house that night because I just could not stand listening to them anymore, it felt like they were slowly breaking me.
A few months later, I fell pregnant. I did not want to call my parents; it wasn't out of spite or because I was being childish; I just literally could not bring myself to call them. I did tell my sister and she said I ought to tell them; I said I couldn't but if she wanted to she could. She said she would not do that because it wasn't her place.
Anyway, I ended up having a miscarriage and as it so happens the appointment at the hospital fell on the day of my mother's birthday. I didn't know if I was going to need a D&C, so I phoned my sister up the day before and told her to say Happy Birthday to my mother for me and that I would call when I got back from the hospital.
Well I didn't need the procedure, but when I got back home I could not face calling my mother. I can't explain it.
My sister told my parents about the miscarriage and the appointment and I was hoping (stupid me!!) they might contact me. Nope. Their reply to my sister was that I obviously didn't want them to know, otherwise I would have told them when I was pregnant.
As I had come off my antidepressants when I found out I was pregnant, I sunk into a deep depression. I could not stop crying and it did not help that I was not working and knew nobody in England where we lived. I should probably mention that I am German and my parents and sister and all my family live over there.
My husband thought it would be a good idea to move up to Edinburgh, where he is from originally and where his family live. Luckily he could get a transfer within his company and we moved up last September.
I like being up here and closer to his family who really do support me a lot.
However I am still struggling with everything else. I feel like I have lost all my confidence (not that I had that much to being with) and I just want to hide indoors all the time.
Things got really bad at the beginning of the year and my husband took me to see the GP who referred me to the Crisis Team. I have since seen the CPN once a week and I am on the waiting list to see a Psychologist.
Sorry, this is so much longer than I had intended! I basically want to know if there is anyone else out there who has no contact with their parents/family and feels enormous guilt? Will that ever go away?
On top of it all my uncle passed away in April and my parents didn't even tell me.
Thank you for listening.