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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend coming to stay - AIBU or is DH?

48 replies

MirandaGoshawk · 27/07/2017 16:38

A close friend has been living locally for nearly 3 years, looking after someone's property while they are abroad. Today the owner has told him that she is coming home in 2 weeks and he has to get out, so will be homeless. He knew this day would come but thought he'd have longer to organise himself. He runs his own tour business from home. He will hand over the running of the house/looking after her cats to her, and then...? He is just about my closest friend after DH and I have a spare bedroom, so of course I immediately said he could stay here for a couple of days. DH and I both work from home - him in the kitchen and me in the bedroom so our living room doesn't get used during the day. DH usually watches TV with DS in DS's bedroom in the evenings. I told DS about friend being chucked out & could he stay & DH said no! Because he (DH) works. I know I should've run it past DH first but I didn't think he would say no. What do you think? How to handle this?

OP posts:

Cailleach666 · 27/07/2017 17:30

Yup YABU.

I would go mad if my OH did this to me

RhubardGin · 27/07/2017 17:32

YABU.

You'll now have to go back to your friend and apologise.

I can't believe you told someone they could move in without discussing it with your DH!

lanouvelleheloise · 27/07/2017 17:35

I agree with other posters that you should have asked your DH first before promising this. However, maybe a calm, rational conversation about it, with agreed timeframes, might change his mind?

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2017 17:37

I think you know it was never going to be just a couple of days.

You will need to tell your friend it won't work, you're sorry, due to the working from home thing. I understand your husbands issue because i suspect he also knows it wouldn't be a couple of days.

The guy has two weeks, he can find someplace to rent in that period.

rosietosey · 27/07/2017 17:39

A third party in anyone's house will probably cause chaos.

Think about it. Even if they are quiet as a mouse they are still THERE, in your space.

And I am sorry but your DH is right.

I would hate it. We do one or two nights max for friends, and we all enjoy it, mutually arranged, and the favour is reciprocated. Although I personally don't like staying in another person's house, just me, odd that I am, I prefer to be independent and stay close by and we all have our space.

You will never get rid if you do this, and your relationship might suffer too.

Think long and hard about it.

FetchezLaVache · 27/07/2017 17:42

If 2 weeks isn't long enough for him to find somewhere, I can't see 2 days making all the difference - it's clearly going to be weeks. I can understand the instinct to help a friend, but I WFH and I absolutely loathe anybody being in the house while I'm working, so I can also see why your DH wouldn't want this.

Also, do DH and friend get on?

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 27/07/2017 17:43

YABU, I'd be pissed if my dp announced this without asking me, especially if it's 'a few days' with no set end.
I think it would be different if he had to be out on X day and couldn't move in to a new place until a few days later (set date). But even without working from home I wouldn't be happy to have someone staying for an unspecified amount of time or having to look like the bad guy for saying no.

SnickersWasAHorse · 27/07/2017 17:55

I would be furious if DH invited someone to stay without asking me first.

nirit · 27/07/2017 18:00

Why would an adult person with his own business need a place to crash? Can t he find a place for himself and go there? He also lived somewhere for free for 3 years and could have saved quite a lot of money on rent..

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 27/07/2017 18:05

YABU. You should've spoken to your DH first. Mine would also say no, as would I. It's not mean, it's to keep you all sane. The guy has two weeks to sort himself out. He can put stuff in storage and get an Airbnb until he's found somewhere to rent.

Branleuse · 27/07/2017 18:13

it wont be a couple of days. Why would it be any easier for him to have 2 weeks and two days to sort himself out than 2 weeks?

YABU

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2017 18:14

Your home isn't just your home is it, it's a workspace for both of you.

I'd be livid if DH told me someone was coming to stay for an unspecified amount of time and I would never invite someone without discussing it with him. We both live here. We both have a right to know who's here. Preferably just us!

Loopytiles · 27/07/2017 18:16

Yanbu if it really is only a couple of days. YABU if longer. Your friend needed contingency plans.

CoolCarrie · 27/07/2017 18:46

YABVU! You didn't discuss this with your dh or rest of the family first, which is bad manners to say the least. I have been put in a similar position, on more than one occasion, by my mil, and it is rude,and thoughtless

QuiteLikely5 · 27/07/2017 18:49

Why can't he find a room to rent in two weeks? Seems reasonable to me

Crumbs1 · 27/07/2017 18:52

It wouldn't be a couple of days. If he could find somewhere for after a couple of days then he can find somewhere before. It's not difficult to use AirBnB or rent a place.
Would your house be full of his mess too?
It would be intrusive and I can't say I blame your husband- unless you have an annexe or completely separate guest accommodation.

Chattymummyhere · 27/07/2017 19:23

I would be beyond mad if dh did this. Plus if this friend has had 3 years rent free he should have a pretty big savings account to buy or rent a new place very fast as a single guy working.

Original poster

MirandaGoshawk · 28/07/2017 15:37

Yikes! I wasn't expecting that. But you have made me see sense. I like the thought of helping him out but yes, our place would soon be full of his stuff & we only have a small kitchen so mealtimes/cooking would be fun... Thank you.

I have now told him that I hadn't actually asked DH when I suggested it and that DH wasn't keen because of the working from home thing, and he said, "It's fine, don't worry about it" so that's OK! Maybe he knew that DH wouldn't be keen.

Air B&B is a good idea. Thank you.

OP posts:

Blueskyrain · 28/07/2017 16:04

I think people are being mean tbh. I would say yes to help out a friend without hesitation, and tbh both my husband and I have invited people over to stay for a few weeks, more on on one occasion without checking because we know that we both have a similar attitude to helping people where we are able to do so, and some friends you simply don't need to check for IMO. I think it's mean of him to refuse, worming fr home or not.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/07/2017 18:39

So the friend would be working on his business from your home then?

Why hasn't your friend set aside funds for accomodation?

I would say no too - and not just because you didn't have the courtesy or respect to ask me about it.

Original poster

MirandaGoshawk · 31/07/2017 11:20

Thanks, Bluesky.

Chattymummy, you are making some pretty big assumptions there.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2017 10:24

Glad it's sorted OP.

LurkingHusband · 01/08/2017 11:37

I have now told him that I hadn't actually asked DH when I suggested it and that DH wasn't keen because of the working from home thing

Pleased it's all sorted, but I can't but feel it's made your DH look like the bad guy in all this ....

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