Au pairs, employees of au pairs, parents of au pairs; please tell me everything i need to know!

[ferriswheel]

I have 3 small children. Two are pre school. I'm a single parent looking to go back to work. I'm thinking I need an au pair.

Can you help me get my head around how to prepare? What to prepare? Any benefits to monopolise? And, how not to end up in a potential nightmare scenario.

Following - although not planning to get one til Dd2 goes to school in 2 years

Glad its not just me. I don't know how to think straight at the moment as I'm going through a terrible divorce. Whilst au pairs appear to be the cheaper option I know that it will only work if it is set up properly.

There are rules around au pairs. They have to go to college for X no. Of hours per week, so they cannot work full time for you. There are some lovely au pairs out there, but the majority of them are in it to learn a new language, visit a new country and have fun. Your children will not be their priority. If it all goes wrong they will up sticks and go home.

If you have two preschoolers then they need to be in nursery/preschool and the au pair can do wrap around.

Au pairs are young babysitters, they do about 25 hours a week. Personally I wouldn't expect them to do a stretch of more than 3-4 hours in one go.

OK, this is a great start. So, for my first stupid question, what do they do with the rest of their time? What would be the worst to expect? What's 'normal?'

1. don't treat them like a nanny. They're not.
2. 25 hrs max a week or 35 as au pair plus
3. have very clear house rules
4. don't expect them to do heavy cleaning etc, it's not fair
5. make sure their English is good enough to get help in an emergency. A friend of mine decided to employ an au pair whose English was almost non existent- apart from the obvious negative effect on her children- someone who couldn't make themselves understood to the emergency services was a huge no no for me
6. make her feel welcome. Provide her with lists of stuff to do in the area, nice places to take the kids etc

Okay, this is all new to me. Thank you. So, who arranges the study? And, does the study get organised after the placement is agreed with?

I would fully expect for the au pair to push the boundaries a bit. I guess I'd like to know, from all of you, what parameters are reasonable and what are the pitfalls to be avoided

In my opinion you want some one sociable or sporty so they are out keeping themselves busy. Mine didn't go to college but she made lots of friends and was out or sleeping most of the time she wasn't working! Make sure they have a comfy room with WiFi and a decent TV.

What do you actually need in terms of childcare?

I would find out when and how much local English courses are and then leave it up to the au pair.

I have house rules like introducing us to visitors and no candles in the bedroom, no smoking.

OP it sounds like a nanny might be more suited to your needs. Au pairs are just like big sisters. A friend of mine has had au pairs for years. She has had to send about 3 home because they were overwhelmed or couldn't take responsibility (e.g. leaving the swimming pool with two older kids and leaving the toddler behind poolside). Other au pairs have been brilliant and are still friends. You have a constant turnover every year or so which can be hard when the kids get attached.

I have written references for au pairs and would be extremely careful to find out what the study entails. They can be very minimal.

I don't think they can be in charge of children under 2. Will try and find where I read this.

Ok. No experience personally but my friend has had 4 au pairs. She has treated the whole au pair situation from completely the wrong angle, despite the advice given to her so I can give some good advice.

1. They don't 'have' to have study or English lessons. It's a cultural exchange. They come to you to be part of your family - in exchange for bed, board and pocket money you get some childcare and whatever you can peacefully negotiate.
2. They are young, they may have never been an au pair before or they may have some experience. Do not expect a nanny. But do expect someone with common sense and responsibility.
3. Depending on your standards, they may not tidy up after themselves in the same way you would. Be patient, you are getting cheap childcare, you need to accept there is compromise for the good deal you are getting.
4. Timetables are essential. What should happen when and how.
5. They are not cleaners. They should contribute to the household but not do your ironing, do all the laundry. Tidying up after the kids and themselves is fine.
6. They may be homesick and miss their parents and their culture/way of home life. Be sensitive to that. Encourage them to meet up with other aupairs, have a social life and be prepared to be a shoulder to cry on
7. Food. Encourage them to eat with you but also acknowledge they may want to do their own thing. Ask them what they like to eat. If they can cook then encourage that too. If you have bought food that is for particular meals then let them know so they don't use it for something else and leave you stuck. Meal planning is useful.
8. Don't get hung up on the small stuff. Remember the bigger picture and how having an au pair is enabling you to work, study etc.
9. Listen to your kids. If they are happy then everything is probably ok. They will soon tell you.

10. Don't let contentious matters fester. Bring them up quickly, quietly and make sure there is an understanding at the end of the conversation. 11. Enjoy the experience. Learn a bit of their language. Enjoy teaching yours. Compare lives. Give and receive support. Neither you or the au pair will forget this time. Try and make it a good one.

Oh yes. House rules on visitors essential. And coming in late and keeping the noise down!!
Although if your au pair has a social life then they will be happier and more likely to enjoy their time. The au pair that spends all their time in their bedroom is not a good sign!

And make sure you have fast broadband with unlimited usage!

It's easy to find the official parameters online if you Google.
I've had two Au-Pairs and my daughter has been an au-pair.
Key tips from me include:

• It is only fair to both parties to have a written list of duties from the beginning and to be clear about rules from the start.
• They are to be treated like a member of the family so unless they have other plans, they should eat with you at least in the evenings. We always offered to take them with us on any fun weekend activities and made a real effort to take them to beautiful or interesting places near where we live during their time with us.
• They should not be asked to do heavy housework and there are set maximum hours.
• Be careful not to "just ask if" they could do x or y at short notice. It is so easy when they are living with you and could creep and will cause resentment. How would you like them asking at short notice if they could just not to get up the next morning for the breakfast/ kids-to-school session that you rely in to get to work on time?
• Make sure you explain boundaries clearly to any children. If they really like her, they might think nothing of knocking and bounding into her room all the time like she is a big sister. They need to know that although she is like part of the family, she needs her own private time so when she is in common areas of the house she is available to chat but that they shouldn't knock on her door when she isn't working unless it's an emergency or someone is on the phone for her.
• Set down rules about no overnight guests or unagreed visitors BEFORE you get to the point of offering them the role.
• If not smoking is important to you, be sure to check this verbally over Skype or phone. I and others have hosted foreign exchange students and come a cropper because they put "non-smoker" on their application form because they share it with their parents and don't want them to know they smoke. Cue upstairs stinking of cigs and deodorant and exchange student stinking of cigs and mints.
• Before they arrive try to look objectively at the way you run your house, we become habituated to our own habits and assume they are universal; unplugging the TV before you go to bed may be a third generation mania in your family, but it might not be in hers, so you need to communicate that to her.
• Be aware that language differences can lead to misunderstandings around politeness. Most continental European languages retain the tu/vous familiarity distinction so use the imperative a lot more and rely much less on politeness markers like "please" and "thank you" and indirectness; so if they translate like for like into English, it results in sentences like "Give me the potatoes." at the dinner table, which would be rude in a native speaker but is not rude in their own language where they would employ the polite imperative or whatever.
• Remember they are neither professional cleaners nor child carers, you can only expect the maturity and competence you would expect from the average woman of that age. Hopefully they like children, but au-pairing is primarily a means towards experiencing another culture.
• Try to find out about tandem/ language exchange nights at local pubs or cafes and other activities in the neighbourhood they might be interested in, to help them make friends in the area. If they can make local friends, it is much more likely to be a happy and successful placement.

I think it's a wonderful thing, as long as expectations are realistic on both sides.

Aupairs tend to prefer to live in or near a big city. Therefore you will find it easier to find an aupair if you live in, say, London. I used to hire only European-nationality aupairs because there are no visa issues. With Brexit, UK is already becoming a lot less popular with European aupairs. My last 2 aupairs are Australian and South African. I use the aupairworld website. The choice was quite thin. Hardly any European aupairs compared to 1 year ago.

We had two au pairs so far.

First one was great with the children but didn't fit in at home (ate very different food from us, personality conflicts, etc) and ended up going home early. That was interesting...we got 2 weeks notice, and had to scramble to find a new au pair.

Second au pair is good with the kids and very easy to live with. Sociable, came from a bad experience at her previous host family so appreciates that we treat her well. Children adore her.

We restrict our search to French speaking au pairs, so that we will minimize the miscommunication (husband speaks French) and so that they have a reasonable ability to drive. If you need a good driver, consider restricting the search e.g. to Sweden, Germany and other countries with solid driving standards where it's difficult to pass the driving test.

I was an au pair for a short while so I can give you some insight.

Make sure you are clear about what you need for her to do, I wasn't told certain things and I really was not in the position to be able to handle them.

Have clear expectations, but make sure they aren't too high or too low. Again, I was being asked to do things that I just couldn't do.

I was in a different situation, as I was not in it for the language, more for the practice in working with children . I love to study, so I would often go to the library, read, I did a weekend course in Spanish.

You may need to help her to register with the GP or do other things she needs to do. I wanted to volunteer as well, but you needed a DBS check.

I have a live in nanny, I have had one since my daughter was 5 months old and she is now 8 years. They aren't as expensive as you think and as a single mum having the cleaning, washing and cooking done in the week is fantastic.

Mine is from the Philippines so the added bonus of lovely food

Best decision ever for me and my dd.

Just have clear rules either way. All emergency numbers and timetables on the fridge etc

So what is, roughly, the price difference between a nanny and an au pair? Can anyone recommend a website? This is all extremely helpful. Thank you.

You can't really compare the two in terms of price as they are two very different things. Au pairs, as a family member/young babysitter get £80-£100ish a week "pocket money" for 25 hours work.
Nannies are professional childcarers and earn minimum wage upwards depending on experience/skills/qualifications and usually work 40-60 hours a week, so anything from £250-300 for a junior nanny doing shorter hours to £750 for a top nanny doing longer hours. If your nanny lives in you can deduct around £40-50 from minimum wage per week for accommodation.

Nannies more expensive, but if we could afford it, we'd go down that route. Nannies are more stable for the children vs au pairs changing every year or perhaps 2 years. Nannies you can interview in person, vs au pairs you only meet them in person when they arrive to live with you. With our au pairs, every time we have had a new one, I have taken a few days off work to onboard them, make sure they can drive our car well, etc. Au pairs are not really here for the kids, they're here for the experience. (appreciate this is a general statement, but one our own au pair shared with us based on the au pairs she met...most are here to get permanent residency through either University or marriage).

Hey fuckitfay. I brought her back with me 6 years ago from when I was working out in the gulf. She worked for me out there. You need to prove that you have known the person etc to be able to get them in on a domestic worker visa.

You then have to agree a contract between you and it forms part of the application.

I would say it's a great opportunity my nanny loves it here, made loads of friends from that very strong community here. She is mature though and I think that's key. She is 48 and put her kid through university on her wages so having some sort of symbiotic appreciation really helps with the trust etc.