Not to bother with presents for this person?

[Thistledew]

A relative of mine- we are not especially close: see each other maybe once every year/18 months. Speak on the phone 3/4 times a year. She has two DCs now aged 19 and 5. I haven't seen either for about 3/4 years. Nonetheless, we were quite close when we were younger and I do hold her in affection.

For about the past 10 years I have carefully chosen Birthday and Christmas presents for my relative and her DC. I've tried to pick out things I think they would like, despite not seeing much of them, and they seem to have been well received. From my relative I have received generally a generic token present such as chocolates.

My DS was born just over a year ago. To be fair, my relative did send me a lovely hamper when he was born. Since then, she has sent him nothing, not even a card. She sent me and DH a generic food present for Christmas.

I'm wondering if I should bother sending presents anymore. I feel a bit mean not to send anything to the nearly 6 yr old, but as I haven't seen him for so long I don't think he knows who I am or would notice the absence of a present.

It's not a money issue as she has usually more than one foreign holiday a year. Nor do I expect my baby to be showered in gifts. It's more that I feel a bit slighted that she is not prepared to return the care and effort I have shown her own DC. AIBU?

I'd carry on buying presents, but generic ones if you don't want to spend time choosing others.

I think YABU to feel slighted though.

Perhaps just send for the five year old. The older one is an adult, so just include them in a family present. It just doesn't seem fair to me that you would just give up on the younger one, if you have acknowledged the oldest for so long.

Maybe just send a family present (on the basis that that's what she is doing)? When my kids were 5 they wouldn't have noticed one relative who didn't send a present (in fact their granddad forgets most years and they've never realised!). Of course this assumes the family aren't in a position where the 5yo might be getting very little (which doesn't sound like its the case as you say money not an issue).

I quietly phased out my step-sisters in the same way! We're not close (not in a bad way, just I've never had much interaction with them because of age gaps) but I always used to send a present. I realised they had got to 18ish and weren't sending me anything back themselves (over and above what my dad gave me) and I decided not to bother anymore. I doubt they cared and at the time I really needed to cull the present list!

I would have a word with the mum and say "finances are a bit tight. I'm cutting back on Christmas. Therefore I want to stop exchanging gifts"

Just stop giving the presents. Don't give token gifts either. Seems silly to give gifts to someone you don't know.

You don't know each other so

Sorry kitten posted prematurely. You don't know each other so you're probably doing them a favour by stopping presents as your gifts probably trigger a 'shit we have to get a gift for Thistledew' response in them.

Presents really aren't necessary in the situation that you describe whether you can afford it or not.

I had a friend that I used to be really close to. We gave each other Christmas presents and birthday presents for years. After I had my dd we continued to be friends and to exchange presents, but didn't see so much of each other (we live in different towns)

One year she suggested that we just send each other cards from then on rather than doing presents. Perfectly sensible idea. Nobody was offended or fell out.

I don't understand why people don't just talk about these things.

You're released from your obligation but if you love giving them gifts then carry on.

Just send a card. Your not obligated to send a gift

Just stop. I doubt the 5 year old will be sitting there with nothing on their birthday if you dont bother. And their parents are signalling you really clearly that rhey don't want to exchange gifts.