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AIBU?

To change my mind about childcare arrangements.

23 replies

Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 18:42

DD is 9 months and I'm due to start uni in September.
My grandma offered to have DD for us and we agreed that would work.
Only now I'm not so sure!
On the plus side DD, would be with someone she knows. We wouldn't have to pay. She'd be flexible with drop off, pick up, is willing to come to us if it's easier. My grandma would take her to groups and things and I think she'd be good at following our routine/rules etc, so not worried about that.
But!! My grandparents are older (obviously) although not particularly to be GGP, but late 60's early 70's. And my biggest issue, my grandma isn't keen on my boyfriend and she doesn't get on well with my parents. I'm worrying that her having DD, the most will result in her being a bit bossy (probably not the right word but I can't think of what I mean) in regards to DD.

I've been to look at a children's center today it's lovely, they have spaces and I'm seriously considering it.
My boyfriend thinks it's silly to pay when we have free childcare. He's not bothered about my grandma's dislike of him.
My grandma would be really upset and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to consider changing plans with only 6 weeks to go!

OP posts:
early30smum · 26/07/2017 18:44

Could you compromise? Say 3 days with great grandma and 2 at the children's centre? Family childcare can be great, but it can also cause problems. Will your grandma want to do baby/toddler groups etc?

catchingzzzeds · 26/07/2017 18:44

I think give grandma a chance, if it doesn't work out then look at childcare.

Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 18:45

Oh and so not to drip feed! My grandparents have changed their holiday plans for next year, to accommodate having DD. And they have bought stuff to have a theirs to make it easier.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 26/07/2017 18:47

How many hours a week will they have her?

My parents are a similar age and while they love having the kids they would struggle doing too much care tbh

Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 18:55

Yes they'll do groups early my grandma is quite involved in the church and they run a few groups I currently go to, she'll carry them on.

I'm not sure TheAntiBoop it will vary somewhat, I'm hoping to work around DD as much as possible.
That's my worry, when we first discussed it DD was a baby and I thought it would be pretty easy for them. She's already taking a few steps though and she crawls all over at home, I'm thinking it might be too much for them.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 18:56

They are both active and healthy though.

OP posts:
podoxefoxu · 26/07/2017 18:58

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SpiritedLondon · 26/07/2017 19:10

Spam above reported

Have you actually costed the children's centre? I used to shell out a small fortune for childcare and in all honesty they won't offer the flexibility that a relative will ( fines if you're late etc). I would offer them the option to pull out if you think it's too much but if they insist they're ok then go ahead. As a compromise which not do as PP has said and use them 3 days a week and the CC 2 to offer the GPs some respite and your child some variety. ?

TeenAndTween · 26/07/2017 19:23

Have they had full care for a day or 3 yet?
5 days a week sounds a lot, though late 60s early 70s isn't ridiculously old to be considering it.
I agree 3 days a week might be better as it will enable them some space and they can pace themselves better.

Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 19:58

Yep, it's going to be expensive SpiritedLondon we can afford it though. We will have to pay for 5 full days but hopefully won't need all 5 every week. I'm hoping to still get as much time as possible with DD and then do my work/reading on evenings when she's in bed. That's what really put me off initially, we'd be paying but not always using it.

I'm not sure on splitting it. I think my grandma might take offence and say she won't have her at all, or I'll end up paying for her to hardly go to nursery and I don't want her being too confused or having different routines.

They've had her for full days yes and once overnight.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 20:02

And although it doesn't bother my boyfriend. I don't like how my grandma is in regards to him, I know DD is too young to notice anything but it makes me feel a bit uneasy.

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Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 20:03

While so young I prefer a home environment - I am a gm and have my ds 2full days and overnight every week. . I agree with his dm that nursery will be more appealing to her and gs when he is a bit older. ( 16 months now). Give it a try - you both free to reevaluate without bad feelings!!

NuffSaidSam · 26/07/2017 20:06

I'd give Grandma a try. You owe her that is she's rearranged holidays and stuff to accommodate you. Then, if it is too much for her or it doesn't work out you can send DD to nursery.

What would probably be best is for her to be with Grandma mostly, but have a few mornings at nursery to give Grandma a break. Does the children's centre do half-day sessions?

MrsPorth · 26/07/2017 20:09

Give it a year or so. See how it goes.

However, if she badmouths your OH in front of your DC you'll need to respond. Nip that nonsense in the bud.

holdontotheaffirmative · 26/07/2017 20:12

Can you give your grandparents a trial period and see how it goes? I have a 9 month old DS, have just gone back to work and we are splitting his care between a nursery and my in laws, who are pretty much the same age as your grandparents. I wasn't looking forward to it but they've actually been a god send- they've saved us a fortune and developed a really good bond with DS. It also been really handy when DS was ill and couldn't go to nursery- it's nice to see them cosy with their grandparents when they're poorly. I found it much harder to leave him at nursery, even though it's lovely.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do

toffeeboffin · 26/07/2017 20:14

Give grandma a go.

But be prepared for her to be exhausted once toddling begins!

DeadDoorpost · 26/07/2017 20:15

I don't know about what you should do, but have you looked at the grants you can get potentially? www.gov.uk/childcare-grant/eligibility

If you're eligible then it will help with costs at least and then you also have an excuse to not use your gran (as you can't use family as a minder)

missymayhemsmum · 26/07/2017 20:24

At 9m your dd will benefit more from having someone she knows who loves her and can care for her 1-1. When she is a little older nursery might benefit her social development and give your grandma a break.
Presumably to your grandma, your boyfriend is the irresponsible boy who got her darling granddaughter pregnant and ruined your education? Once she sees what a great partner and father he is (if she is) she'll come round and may even forgive him when you graduate.
Take advantage of her support and use some of what you save by having free childcare to build up a kitty for the future, but remember that your grandmother can never be expected to believe you are a responsible adult.

BackforGood · 26/07/2017 20:24

As it is all arranged and they've made arrangements round it and bought things to facilitate it, I think you are obliged to give it a go, but you need to sit down and talk to them about how you are worried about how exhausting it is going to be, and let them know you can afford Nursery, and that they are to say if they find all week too much, and you can then decide if they wanted to do half a week, or to stop altogether.

I've got lots of friends in their early 70s who love their grandchildren overwhelmingly, but they are all exhausted after looking after them for a weekend even, for most folk of that age, it would be too much.
However, if they are fit and willing, and there are two of them so can share the load, they might love it and manage fine.

Allthewaves · 26/07/2017 20:31

I'd give granny a go esp if your course isn't too heavy on hours. If you only have say 10 hours of lectures a week your not going to meet massive amounts of childcare. If it doesn't work out then daycares an option. All mine went to daycare and my youngest still cries at drop off. If grans she's not nice to your partner then you can move her to daycare

ToastyFingers · 26/07/2017 20:31

I think you should give your grandparents a chance.
My MIL is only a few years younger (65) and would have no problem running after my DDs (3&1)

I agree with a previous poster though, about not letting her bad-mouth your DP.

Liz38 · 26/07/2017 21:01

Why not talk to your grandma, say that you are concerned it will be too tiring for her 5 days a week but you'd really love her to be involved? Maybe offer the option of mixing paid childcare and family so she gets the time with her DGC but you've got flex in case it doesn't work? My DD was in nursery part time from 13 months (with me/DH) the rest and the staff were lovely and cuddly with her and she certainly didn't lack affectionate contact. I preferred the straight forward relationship with the nursery over the complexity of family members "doing a favour" but that might have been coloured baby the fact I had no choice as all family over 100 miles away!

Emboo19 · 26/07/2017 21:28

Thanks all! I have spoken to my grandparents previously, and my grandma is adamant they will be fine. They do have a housekeeper a few hours a day too, so they don't have much to do in regards to domestic chores my grandparents are a bit posh, although I'm not

I think as most have suggested I'll see how it goes.
I panicked a bit today as the nursery was really lovely, but they only have a place as someone's changed their mind.
I'd do a few mornings at the nursery but it's the opposite way from my grandparents, although easier for uni. I'm not sure I'd always be able to collect at lunch time so I'd have to ask them to collect her, which seems a bit unfair as she'd then just go to them to nap.

Ha missymayhem she's not really the forgiving type! 20+ years and she's still not forgiven my dad, although she does like my boyfriend more than him at least, but that really doesn't take much!

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