AIBU re day off nursery

[HalfanHalf]

ExP pays minimum amount of maintenance (calculated by the CMS). The weekly amount he pays would only cover the cost of one day a week at nursery, nothing else. We both work (him full time , me part time) so DS is in nursery for 4 days a week. My wage alone would barely cover the monthly cost of nursery but I am very lucky to have a DP who happily pays the fees for his DSS.

ExP has asked to take DS out of nursery as a one off for a day out - I have asked if he would be willing to go halves on the nursery fee for that day as nursery will still expect to be paid the full amount even though DS would not be there. I thought this was a fair compromise.

ExP has refused and said he will just have him the one day of the weekend he normally does, rather than the weekday.

Who is BU? I feel sad that my DS will miss out on a day out but equally he loves nursery, he wont know any different and he may as well be there if we've to pay for it - ExP can't want to take him that much if he won't contribute an extra £20 as a one off!?

Yanbu!

YANBU. He can't have been that bothered if he refused a reasonable compromise (fwiw I would have said he had to reimburse you for the full day). If he contributed properly to the fees he might not be so keen to waste the money. Your dp pays enough, why should he have to subsidise your ex to take his own child out for the day? On the plus side, incidents like this must remind you how glad you are that he is now your ex.

Pengggwn I absolutely see your point now - I was conscious that I'd only replied to those that had disagreed. It was more of a "thank god I've not been completely shredded to pieces" more than anything else!

DP wasn't happy but it was him who suggested we ask for half - I wanted to ask for the full amount but he made me see that we should also try to compromise!

Motherbear26

You're last sentence couldn't be more right!!

Unfortunately tho it is not the ex's responsibility to pay for LO's childcare

I can see it from both sides, but don't think I'd have picked this battle to fight if I was on this situation

Why isn't it the ex's responsibility to pay for childcare? Surely they should split it equally?

The reality in this situation is legally he does not have to pay for a penny more that he does..Morally is another matter...However if ex is not prepared to pay more you have to work on the basis he won't..My Ex pays £5 a week.. doesn't even pay his dinner money at school.

The thing with your partner contributing. I assume you live together so you would of more than likely been eligable for childcare element of WTC if you weren't together.

I think for a one off I would of saved my battles. It will give you an extra day with the Little one too if its a day he normally has DC

I'm more interested in his reasons for asking. He's wanting a day off from having him at the weekend and I'm guessing so it's he can go somewhere/do something.

I'd be less irritated if it was for additional time with him

Where was he taking him?

In the past I would say YABU as its budgeted for etc.

But as a step parent (paying all school fees and contributing to other costs) YANOTBU. I'd make him pay all. The reason is I'm sick of these useless fathers and te damage they cause their kids. It's not even an extra day fffs he wants to swap and your expense for his convenience. Where is the consistency for your son? He pays basically nothing so he doesn't get to waste nursery money. He should be paying for his child's nursery THEN he can waste the fees!!

Sorry a bit ranty but stick to your decision.

The reason we have a minimum payment is legally what can be expected and extracted from the nrp before putting undue hardship on the nrp.

Can you imagine what some people would do if legally they have to cover half of all child costs, what would stop a vindictive rp from finding the most expensive nursery / private school just to bankrupt the nrp if they were legally forced to pay.

Or even on the other boot would you like the nrp to have the exact same rights as you in deciding what school / nursery they go to were a nrp could be a dick and basically veto every suggestion just to be spiteful.

While i agree its the principle of the thing but sadly its no skin of your exs noise so the only one to suffer is the dc so i would suggest to pick your battles otherwise you will be dragged down both physically and mentally in constent arguments as you cannot make your ex a better parent

Ask the nursery if they are able to change his day that week so you don't miss out. Our nursery happily do this, providing they have availability

amy85 - we both have parental responsibility so why is it only my responsibility to ensure child care is in place and paid for? Genuinely interested to know your reasoning behind this?

worridmum "Or even on the other boot would you like the nrp to have the exact same rights as you in deciding what school / nursery they go to were a nrp could be a dick and basically veto every suggestion just to be spiteful." - he has parental responsibility so he could do this anyway if he wanted to, while still only having to pay the minimum payment each month.

The CMS do not ask about the cost of child care, it is purely based on NRP's wage and number of overnight stays DS has with him. So during the week ExP may see DS for an hour after work before putting him to bed and then drop him at nursery as soon as they open but that is still classed as an overnight visit and therefore the minimum payment is reduced - but that's a whole other kettle of fish!

"The reason we have a minimum payment is legally what can be expected and extracted from the nrp before putting undue hardship on the nrp."

Also, and I'm probably going to sound bitter here (I'm absolutely not, I couldn't be happier with my life now - ex for a reason ect. ect.) ExP bought a lovely big house with 2 flash cars on the drive after we split - from the outside looking in, he's absolutely nowhere near undue hardship! To me it seems he wants the fun of being a parent without much of the financial responsibility. He wouldn't (and has refused in the past) take a day off work if DS was sent home poorly for example. Again - whole other kettle of fish and I'll stop before I start sounding too bitter and ranty!

HalfanHalf - as someone has already said above legally it is not his responsibility...childcare when the child is with the mother is the mother's responsibility and childcare when the child is with the father is the father's responsibility

amy85 I understand your point now and I think the same person said morally is another matter, which I also completely agree with.

In that vain then I shouldn't be the one paying £40 for nursery if DS wont be in "my care" that day!

*in that vein - eurgh, sorry.

The issue is that you feel he doesn't contribute financially as he should.

Don't focus on the wrong issue

SilverBirchTree - you are right but he is contributing the minimum that he has been told he has to so the issue should really be with CMS not with ExP.

BUT I do think my other issue is that he wouldn't cough up just £20 to show willing/ability to compromise.

It's you who has the contract with the nursery.

Had your ex been asked you to swap a day which meant you then had additional costs then Yes he should help to pay. Eg my ex used to have our son on his non working day of a Monday. I based my return to work on this and if he suddenly couldn't do childcare I had to put him in nursery. Morally he should pay bit there is no legal basis!