Feelings...

[user1499835080]

Hi,
I became a mum at 19 to my beautiful little girl (currently still 19) with my partner who is 20. I'm currently on Mat leave and he works full time 5am-2pm, during the day it is just me and baba (LO is 2 weeks old). Before and during my pregnancy I suffered from quite bad anxiety and I still do now, sometimes when even going for a walk with LO in the pram I can't help but feel as if I'm being watched or judged by other mums...especially if LO is crying and I'm struggling to settle her. I don't have many friends as I struggle making social relationships, with my partner working all the time and no one else being around me I do feel as if I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings at the moment as it's just me and baba (meaning she can't speak or anything yet so I feel so lonely sometimes) Even when my partner comes home he goes to bed for a kip so I'm still technically on my own with her. I feel as if me and baba have really grown a strong bond together which sometimes looks as if she is constantly stuck to my hip or in my arms 24/7 as I enjoy her company and being around her. Even at night I know it's dangerous but I love her being next to me and us both falling asleep together...I hate leaving her at any costs even if it's just with her daddy, I even hate putting her down when she is settled as all I can do is worry if she is not going to be comfortable or if she will miss me...I have tried to go to surestart classes with her but I'm scared about going and being around other mums who may know each other and I'm on my own. I know the usual idea is go to these classes and meet people but like I said before I am really unsociable due to being scared about being judged (which is normal) but I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on me and give me a bit of support and advice on how I can start to feel better about going out with LO more and constantly feeling worried about her even when there is nothing that could possibly harm her. Thankyou x

Well first of all go to the gp and get down anxiety meds to calm you down a bit.
I was a mum at 19 and didn't give two hoots who was judging me. Parenting is hard what ever age you do it...but at least you have a fantastic bond with her and enjoy being a mum.
Seven years after having dd I find that I'm now quite anti social. I go to self scan at the check out, doing go out much with friends, hate people just popping by to visit without an arranged time and date etc. I don't know what it is but when your a mum your priotlrities change.
You sound normal to me but maybe being a new mum is still raw and your still anxious because you love her so much. A trip to gp or even kalms can help.

It's very early days. Speak to your health visitor about how you are feeling about your anxiety.
There may well be people judging you when you go out, but they are probably horrible people with no regard for others. Most people will be too busy with their own lives to judge yours. If they look over it's probably because people are drawn to babies (especially little ones). I had so many random people come up and look in my pram or pass comment about baby being happy (quiet) or tired/hungry (crying). Just nod, smile and move on. The majority of people in this world will not judge you unkindly (unless you are swinging the baby by her foot 😉).

"Meds to calm you down a bit". That is completely awful advice. Medicating normal emotions is hardly the answer! Your anxiety doesn't sound excessive.
I'd suggest planning your surestart as toe dipping.
Target groups that involve less chat for a first couple of visits (such as nursery rhyme stuff).
Then you aren't too much needing to socialise but there'll be some chance to.
It's great for your baby as well.

I think it's normal to want to look like a good mum however it sounds like your anxiety is far too great. I think you need to talk to your health visitor about it and get some counselling to help you move forward and get out of this rut.

If you can, make yourself attend a months worth of sessions. Aim to chat to people who are also alone or on the outskirts of the popular mums.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. You're full of hormones and lacking sleep at the moment. I was very anxious after I had my ds, give yourself til 6 weeks and if you're still feeling really anxious speak to your health visitor about it.
Try to get out to some things with your wee one, no one worth bothering about will be judging you.
Where about's are you? Have you got the app mush? It's great, I've made some mum friends on there of all different ages.
How long does your partner go to sleep for when he gets in? Could you suggest to him that all 3 of you go to bed at 7/8pm then you're all getting enough sleep so he can stay up when he gets in from work.
Personally I wouldn't be happy if my dh went to bed when he got in from work (the odd occasion if very tired is different).
The early days are tough but you're doing really well to ask for some support. You sound like you love your wee one very much and I'm sure you'll be a great mum.

Also look into safe co sleeping if that's the route you want to go down, it can be done safely. If your HV is approachable you could also ask her for advice, they're there to help.

What might help is planning one small thing to do each day (even if it's just going for a walk or to the shops) try to speak to someone each day. Social interaction can help combat becoming more anxious.
Little old ladies usually love babies and will usually be happy to chat to you about the baby.
A small chat with someone each day can help ease the loneliness.

Congratulations on your baby! What do you think you will be judged for? If it's being a young mum, there's nothing wrong with that and it has many advantages. I'm 42 and have social anxiety so I understand. Sometimes I come across as unfriendly because with age and weight gain I have developed a downward turning mouth and therefore resting bitch face :( I promise, go to a group, sit next to a friendly looking mum and just make a comment and see if you start chatting. If not, no Biggie, try another group. Or do sure start centres still run things like 'mums and tums' where there is a class leader? Or baby massage? Something like that which is more structured might be good. Good luck. You sound like a great mum!