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to be pissed that it seems I will never have a career?

20 replies

HBaker · 26/07/2017 04:56

So my husband and I decided to move to another country. I've been preparing for it, and now it's very probable that he's gonna get a very good offer that I know is making him rethink our decision to move.

The move is a complicated process, as it is dependent on a qualification I have and should be practicing for us to move. We have decided that I will come home to our original country to practice this qualification while the visa is being processed.

Now it seems he wants me to stay because he said he can't deal with us being in separate countries even for a while. If he gets this great job, I'm not sure what his mindset will be in a year - will he still want to go? Will he not?

As a result, I don't know what to do.

I know I might BU but I'm pissed off.

OP posts:

garud · 26/07/2017 05:45

I'm a bit confused about your situation - is the move overseas dependent on your qualification and you practicing? And if your DH gets this job you won't be moving overseas and so you won't have to be practicing? Are you not able to practice in your current country?

I gave up my studies towards a career in order to move overseas for my husband's work. It sucks.


Longdistance · 26/07/2017 05:52

Oh god. This happened to me of sorts. I gave up my career for Dh so we could move for his job. I hated living there, 2 years later they made him redundant, but I couldn't go back to my job because it had changed massively and I would have had to start again. Which would have been impossible.

Don't do it.

If he wants to move, let him go, and you finish what you have to, or no deal.


Tofutti · 26/07/2017 06:13

Well if he can't bear to be separated from you than he can come with you!

Don't be passive and pissed off. Tell him you had an agreement and you both need to stick to it.


SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 26/07/2017 07:29

Ok, if I understand correctly, there are three countries. Country A, where you currently live and your DH might be getting a fantastic job offer. Country B, your home country, to which you had agreed to move in order for you to practice. This was important because the move to country C was dependant on you practicing your qualification. But your DH is now not willing to move to country B, and doesn't want you to move there alone. This jeopardises your move to country C. I guess for whatever reason you can't practice in country A, so your career is sort of on hold while he figures out what he wants.

If this is the case then I don't think it's unreasonable you are pissed off. Does your DH know how you feel? Would he ever consider letting his career take a backseat so you can focus on yours? I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation about it.


HBaker · 26/07/2017 09:53

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser got it almost exactly correct. Yes that's the situation. The move to country C is dependent on me moving to country B to practice my qualification. I can't practise here in country A because we moved here from country B three years ago, and it's not recognized here.

The thing is, between the two of us, he is the high earner. Right now, I am almost finished with a masters course in a field I thought I'd get into. But since we decided we were going to move to country C (because of future opportunities for both of us), I have set my mind that that's what I am going to do.

Now if we stay here, and I want the option of country C to be open, I'd have to restudy that qualification so I can practice it here, and it will take me another 2 years minimum.

OP posts:

HBaker · 26/07/2017 09:55

He was ok with me moving back to country B because he also wanted to go to country C - but then he was suddenly bombarded with probable fantastic opportunities!

Now I am at lost - what do I do? I want a career too!

OP posts:

garud · 26/07/2017 10:08

Will he be able to get an equivalent job in country C?

You need to talk to him about what he thinks this potential new job means for the future.

If he can work in country C then he would be unreasonable to cut that option off for you without serious discussion.

However, it sounds like there is stuff you need to do before you have the career you want either way - either time spent in country B or further study in country A. You can have your career still.


HBaker · 26/07/2017 10:20

Yeah, for both of us, country C is a good country. But the ticket to country C depends on my qualification.

If he gets this job, it will do wonders for his career here. However, for me, my career has more potential in country C.

OP posts:

garud · 26/07/2017 12:10

In that case, even if he gets this great job, the plan doesn't need to change, and he doesn't get to hold you back just because he doesn't like the idea of separate countries.

Has he said that he might not want to go to country C? Has he said what he thinks will be hard about living separately? (It's not something I'd be keen on, but it's for a finite period, and is in the cause of a good thing for you both). I guess you don't have kids?


HBaker · 26/07/2017 12:36

Yup, no kids.

He said if this works out, and if this turns out to be what he expected, he might not want to leave anymore.

OP posts:

HBaker · 31/07/2017 04:32

Still pissed off. It seems now I'm paralyzed career-wise.

OP posts:

theculture · 31/07/2017 05:06

Mmm I really wouldn't be putting all my eggs in one basket, letting go of your career when he won't consider the long term implications for you - how will that feel 10 years down the line when you have no easy choices to enter the job market and he makes all the decisions . .


inkzooka · 31/07/2017 05:08

What are his job prospects when he moves? Will he be making similar to what he is now without the opportunities?

It's understandable that he wants to stay together, but also unfair that he's only willing to support you until things are going well for him withuot any thought of what your future career will be like without this.


duracellred · 31/07/2017 05:11

OP - I moved with my DH 8 years ago from London, 5000 miles and gave up my career in banking to be with him. I did receive in this country three job offers and ended up being a secretary in a bank for two years.

At my age now I cannot find another role even remotely similar.

Its not easier but dependent upon which country you are moving to, do search various sites/agencies for possible roles.


HBaker · 09/08/2017 23:26

I couldn't control my temper this morning. After cooking breakfast and preparing his food for the day, I was resting, just surfing the Internet and he asked me (for the 5th time) if I was going to this learning event on Saturday.

I know he meant well but my temper just burst. Told him I don't know what to do anymore, everything depends on him.

Then it all came out. How I feel so trapped that I can't seem to build a career because everything I will do depends on him. He says he's not forcing me to do anything. I asked him, are you sure you're not? He said he knows what I will do depend on him.

I am so freaking pissed off.

OP posts:

HBaker · 09/08/2017 23:41

I think I might be a bit depressed too. I have just had a biopsy of some rashes and while they're not cancer, they're precancerous lesions that probably need to be taken out.

One of them is right in my cheek.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 10/08/2017 08:25

What's the career? Can it only be practised in your home country?


HBaker · 10/08/2017 09:31

Yes because it's regulated. I'm not licensed where I am.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 10/08/2017 11:01

Sorry-am trying to get my head around it all.

So, for example you are a qualified teacher in Poland, but currently live in England where your qualification isn't recognised. You both wanted to move to Australia but you need to actually work in Poland to work as a teacher for your application to Australia to be considered. Is that right? Will Australia definitely recognise the qualification from your home country? Sorry for all that -I struggle with the abstract!

If it's something you've trained for and always wanted to do-I would do it with or without him. How long would you need to return to your home country for?


HBaker · 10/08/2017 12:58

Yes that's it, rollonthesummer. That's the basic idea. And yes, "Australia" will definitely recognise the qualification because I am registered in "Australia". The coming home is just to wait for my papers.

OP posts:
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