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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was l wrong?

25 replies

Marygoround17 · 25/07/2017 23:44

My Df has a problem with her Dh which l'd like your option please. She was not happy when l told her she was just overreacting. My Df and her Dh have been married for over 25 yrs. My Df says her Dh always say 'l' as opposed to "we" when discussing issues with people to do with family. Df says she always feels like an outsider and not part of the discussion at hand, which makes her very upset. I asked Df if she has raised her concerns with her Dh and she told me she has. Apparently it has been going on for years and her Dh think she is petty and must get over it! My Df said last time she raised the issue with her Dh he raised his voice at her and my poor Df just kept quite for the sake of peace.

Waiting for your verdict😉

OP posts:
NoMoreDecorating · 25/07/2017 23:47

Eh?

steff13 · 25/07/2017 23:47

I need an example of what he says.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2017 01:14

A verdict on what??

Out2pasture · 26/07/2017 01:18

if I understand the situation correctly, I would not like it if my spouse assumed a "we" stance on all topics and activities. sometimes I have my own opinions and ideas.

CoughLaughFart · 26/07/2017 01:19

Who are all these people? Please skip the acronyms and explain.

CremeFresh · 26/07/2017 01:20

If he's giving his opinion then he would say 'I' , surely your friend didn't want him speaking for her does she ?

ArmySal · 26/07/2017 01:25

Your friend and her husband?

If someone invites them to a party he'll say "I can't go, I'm busy?"

She goes mad and he tells her she's being petty and you told her she's overreacting?

He raised his voice last time she mentioned it?

Very odd. I can't give a verdict, haven't got a clue which part you mean, if indeed it is correct.

ThinkOfTheHorses · 26/07/2017 01:28

I think it's none of your business

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2017 01:51

It is her business if the friend has asked her about it!

So if someone says "Where are you going on holiday this year" he says "Well I was considering Greece but given the situation I think I might go for Cyprus instead" ?

That would piss me right off and no, she isnt over reacting at all. It disenfranchises her, takes her voice away and makes it very clear that he doesnt consider her views as at all important.

BenedictCumberbeyatch · 26/07/2017 01:52

What?

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2017 01:52

I am actually disgusted that you as a friend would tell her she is over reacting when her husband treats her like this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2017 01:53

What is so hard to understand?! Its perfectly clear to me

FritzDonovan · 26/07/2017 02:58

If I understand it correctly, my Dh is guilty of this a lot, especially when speaking to his parents. For example, he'll be talking about 'i made the dinner/took kids to the park /gave them a bath' etc, totally omitting the 6 out of seven times I did it. He'll finish a phone call with 'I've got to get the kids to bed'. It infuriates me at times because he rarely mentions all the things I do and gives the impression I'm a real lazy cow! He's slightly better after me pointing it out every time he does it (for a reeally long time), but I'm not sure why it happens. Self-centred?

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 04:06

The friend doesn't like it if her DH says for example

"I was thinking of renovating the outbuilding at the end of the garden"

She'd rather he said

"We were thinking of renovating the outbuilding."

Is that right OP?

She needs to get a life.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2017 04:09

She needs to get a life

Really? Or perhaps after 25 years she needs to find a husband who doesnt just utterly disregard her, her opinions and her input.

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 04:44

Pyong him not using the "royal we" isn't him disregarding her opinion.

They're separate people who are married.

I certainly don't say "We like that kitchen" or "We love the Royal Show"

I say I! It doesn't mean I disregard my husband's opinion! It means I have my own thoughts.

KentMum2008 · 26/07/2017 05:23

I think the OP needs to be a little clearer about when and where this happens in conversation.

DH will say things like "I don't like that film, I fancy a cup of tea, I wouldn't mind going to XYZ place" etc when talking about his personal wishes/needs/opinions. There is nothing wrong with that. I do it too, doesn't everybody?

However, when discussing things that were a joint decision, or require input/thought/effort from both of us, it is always 'we'. "We'd love to come for dinner, we are getting a new kitchen (I fuckingwish), we'd be happy to have the kids for an hour" If it's something that needs to be discussed as a couple then 'I'll speak to DWife about it and we'll get back to you".

The issue arises when a partner doesn't take your wishes/feelings into account at all, either by presuming they can speak on your behalf at all times, or by disregarding you entirely. There has to be balance.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/07/2017 05:39

Examples please.

SpartacusSaiman · 26/07/2017 06:13

Using 'i' is automatically disregarding his wifes opinions. He is a person and entitles to have is own opinion and want to express his own opinion as his own.

It really deoends on context. It could be disregarding her opinion. She might be over reacting.

The shouting isnt great. Is he like this alot? Maybe its not just the use of 'i' that makes her feel shit. maybe it the use of 'i' and lots of other issues.

KentMum2008 · 26/07/2017 06:15

Agree with Spartacus in that maybe the 'I' thing is just a small part of what's really worrying her.

Tofutti · 26/07/2017 06:30

Need examples.

But he sounds like a twat for raising his voice.

If yout friend keeps quiet about it for the sake of peace, thrn it sounds like she could be in an abusive relationship.

Does your friend not want to post here herself? She would get a lot of support in the Relationships board?

NannyRed · 26/07/2017 06:38

Have I got this right, she is upset because he says "I'd love to come to your BBQ on Sunday" rather than "we'd love to come" ?

Why does she feel he has to be her mouthpiece? At least if he says "I'd love to come" he is not presuming what she wants.

ArchieStar · 26/07/2017 06:42

In the context that pyong put it, I wouldn't like it and would pull DH up on it. If it's a general "I fancy chips for tea" then I wouldn't.

I don't think you sound very supportive of your friend tbh.

NormaSmuff · 26/07/2017 07:09

i dont blame her for being upset about his way of speaking. i think she should mention it to her dh again, he can't raise his voice every time surely?

MakeItRain · 26/07/2017 07:14

fritzdonovan my ex used to do that all the time too. He would constantly mention things he'd done in the same way. I remember him ramblibg on telling his parents how he'd tried so hard to use some product on the oven to get it clean. I was so shocked as he never went near the oven or ever cleaned the kitchen. I did it several times daily. But like you said to hear him talk it sounded like I never cleaned anything or was ever bothered about cleaning. He did that all time.
He'd also go on to anyone who'd listen about how hard sleep deprivation was with small children. (From the man who never did a night wake up in his life, unless it was to shout out loud, and the man who moved to the spare room so he could get a full night's sleep every night.)
Holidays were also his choice. Meals were his choice.
It doesn't sound it, but it's quite subtle. People thought he was a great bloke at the time. I thought that if I raised anything I would sound mean and petty because he "did so much".
OP if your friend is going through anything like that it's horrible, undermining and miserable. I hope she has other friends who will listen to her and support her.

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